Kids Who Use Mobile Devices, Even For A Second, Are Crippled For Life

London, UK – According to teachers, rising numbers of infants lack the motor skills needed to play with building blocks because of an “addiction” to tablet computers and smartphones.

“Hey, we warned you,” said a smart phone manufacturer. “In the fine print we told you not to let anyone under eighteen use our product as it is highly addictive and to seek help immediately if you should any signs of addiction.” He shook his head, adding, “it’s your responsibility to read the Terms of Service.”

“No, there wasn’t a study, per se,” said a teacher. “But we have very strong feelings about technology. If the school is buying us tech, then we’re pro. If kids are using it on their own, then we’re con.” She took a long sip from her coffee, adding, “that’s some good gin.”

The PTA called the warning “outrageous”, “only we can make those sorts of decrees!” and “a gold coin for anyone who can bring us those teacher’s heads! Go! Find them! Hunt them! The PTA shall never be usurped! All hail the PTA!”

“So any device could be harmful?” asked a parent. “Then how come they allow us to use it?” As we began to give our answer, he pulled out his iPhone and began looking through Facebook, ignoring our response. We’re not even sure he knew we left.

Congress, Homeland, And News Agree: Power Grid Totally Vulnerable

Raleigh, NC – As hundreds of security holes in the US power grid are still being reported, Homeland Security is scrambling to force operators to upgrade their software. “Woah, you want us to do what?” asked plant manager Neil Forthright. “Nah, lady, I can’t do that. Windows 3.11 is the most stable operating system there is, and we ain’t changing just cause some skirt ...

Persistant Pot Puffing Probably Pulverizes Pate

Denver, CO – A small study of casual marijuana smokers has turned up evidence of changes in the brain, a possible sign of trouble ahead. “That can’t be right,” said stoner Donny ‘I forgot my last name’ [last name not known]. “Just because you put chemicals into your body doesn’t mean it changes you. I mean, my mom is always trying to make us eat ...

Men Figure Out They’re Going To Die At Seventy

Seattle, WA – A new study has found that men become more unhappy when they reach age seventy. “At first we couldn’t figure out if it was the age or the location,” said a doctor. “But men in Florida have the same feelings as those in Seattle. Then we were trying to figure out if ...

Ghost Island Finally Up For Sale

Rome, Italy – A lease of a Venetian island described as one of the most haunted places in Italy is due to be auctioned off next month as the Italian state desperately seeks to raise revenue. “We feel the best way to raise money is to take advantage of very, very stupid people,” said an ...

China Really Wants Space Lasers

Beijing, China – Chinese President Xi Jinping urged the air force to adopt an integrated air and space defence capability, in what state media called a response to the increasing military use of space by the United States and others. “To be fair, the easiest way to destroy the Americans would be to call in ...

Violent Video Games Are The Reason For Everything Bad

Detroit, MI – A recent study by researchers at Iowa State University suggests kids who play violent video games will have more aggressive behavior and keep aggressive thoughts regardless of age, gender or parental involvement. “We’ve found kid’s exposure to violence warps them for a lifetime,” said an Afghani researcher. “Decades of war have ruined ...

IRS Probably Won’t Audit You, Until You’re Flagged For Reading This Story

Washington DC – As millions of Americans race to meet tomorrow’s tax deadline, their chances of getting audited are lower than they have been in years. “How much lower?” asked a tax payer. “How many years in your range? Is there a schedule or table I can reference? Oh, so you just kinda fudged the ...