Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take every breaking story, inflate the inherent panic, and force-feed you the protein-rich results. Results may vary.

This week you were attacked by Iran, spies, Utah, immigrants, depression, ebola, the CDC, hackers, the President, the TSA, winter, Russia, the Pope, the NFL, and chocolate barons. No, we don’t have to explain what that means. Fine, we covered those breaking stories (and more) this week.

Have a safe weekend!

Reporters Finally Victims Of Spying

London, UK – A new lawsuit announced late last night, along with recent revelations about the seizure of reporters’ phone records, is pulling back the curtain on how British police have spent years tracking the movements of the country’s news media. “It’s a blue ribbon day,” said an editor. “We not only get to talk about ourselves, but make ourselves out to be the victims ...

Iran Negotiations Stall As Secretary Of State Leaves For Year Long Bathroom Break

Vienna, Austria – Secretary of State Kerry left talks over Iran’s nuclear program in Vienna today as the deadline for a deal loomed just four days away. “What’s the point? asked a high-ranking state department official. “They’re just going to nuke us anyway.” After a very long pause he added, “oh, come on, they told us this in 2006. You think they were joking? No, ...

US Expects Five Billion Illegal Immigrants By 2015

Washington DC – The Obama administration is bracing for another surge of illegal immigrants next spring, bringing online a family detention center that will have twenty four hundred beds. “We have no idea why they’re coming here,” said a White House official. “Someone’s been telling them they can break the law and get a free ...

Utah Will Shoot You

Provo, UT – Ten years after banning the use of firing squads in state executions, Utah lawmakers endorsed a proposal to allow the practice again to avoid problems with lethal-injection drugs. “We can finally do away with the ugliness of a clean injection and go back to the effectiveness of shooting a man in the ...

Is CDC Covering Up Ebola Cases?

Atlanta, GA – The nightly news says the ebola story is ‘closed,’ but medical doctors around the US overwhelmingly disagree. “Could this all be a huge coverup?” asked a woman. “And we’re really aliens living in a dog’s dream?” After a very long pause she added, “our have they gotten to you too?” “By asking ...

US Ranks Super Low On Happiness Index, Ups Depression Meds

Washington DC – The Happy Planet Index (HPI) rates the US as the one hundred and fifth happiest country on the planet, and pegs Costa Rica as number one. “We’re happy because we don’t know any better!” yelled a Costa Rican. “A whole fish for dinner? This is literally the best day of my life!” ...

Anything Can Be Hacked… Anything

Washington DC – Governments were alarmed to learn that computers which are never connected to the internet could still be hacked. “Technically, we’re not being hacked, we’re giving away sensitive data to unauthorized personnel,” said a high-ranking government official. “See? It’s all about phrasing! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to cover up our ...