Congress Reluctantly Considers Helping Vets

Washington DC – A bipartisan deal to improve veterans’ health care would authorize at least seventeen billion dollars to fix the health program scandalized by long patient wait times and falsified records covering up delays.

“Fine,” said a Congressman as he slumped in his chair. “We’ll do it. But only because you made such a freakin’ big stink about it.” He sighed, rolled his eyes, then added, “ugh, now? Can you at least let me drag [the bill] out until midterm elections to shame my opponents? Ugh, this stinks.”

“Umm, we can help,” said a doctor. “As long as I get paid to give care to people, I don’t care who you are. That’ll be three hundred dollars. What? This is a consultation. Cut out fatty foods and exercise. There, three hundred dollars please. Fine, we’ll go to collections.”

Congress is also considering “helping the kids who have crossed the border, if you make it worth our while”, “giving aid to the millions displaced from war in the Middle East, if we can get re-elected” and “whatever is the bare minimum, as long as we look like we’re really going out of our way to do stuff.”

“Wait, so we weren’t taking care of our veterans?” asked an American citizen. “What the [expletive deleted]? Wait, so they were just waiting for help and not getting it? The dudes fighting in war? Yes, and the ladies? Jesus, that’s… that’s deplorable. Yes, [expletive deleted]ing deplorable. Oh, so now they might be able to go to a private doctor and get reimbursed? That’s your solution? So wrong.”

US Stops Pollution With Outsourcing

Newport News, VA – A new report eventually reveals that the US is phasing out coal-fire plants by exporting the materials to factories overseas. “There!” said a White House official. “We’ve fixed the global warming problem. Yes, we’re okay with other nations dumping the same exact carbon into the air. Yes, we’re okay with the amount of carbon burned to move all that coal over ...

Ebola Attacks Americans

Cairo, Egypt – An American doctor and an aid worker working for two charitable groups fighting Ebola in Liberia have both become infected with the deadly virus. “How dare they!” screamed a top White House official. “Before we really didn’t care who contracted this horrible virus, but now that Americans are involved, we’re going to address the problem the only way we know how: drones.” ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, your perfectly normal source for satirical internet news. This week you faced threats, both foreign and domestic. Bloody Chinese rivers, plane crashes, Putin, demons, global warming, and sinister monkeys attacked with range, and Obama’s motorcade, mosquitoes, political division, surrendering bridges, federal appeals courts, Obamacare, and Chicago hooligans followed up with a melee attack. Classic pincer maneuver. Have a safe weekend!

Chinese River Turns Blood Red With Blood

Beijing, China – A waterway in eastern China has mysteriously turned a blood red color. “Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you guys to stagger the daily execution sites?” said a top Chinese diplomat. “You can’t just keep slaughtering hundreds of people and then expect the river to be clear.” He shook ...

Putin Is The New Stalin, Obama The New Carter, Harper The New Laurier

Washington DC – Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that Russian President Putin’s use of Russian military force inside Ukraine harkens back to 1939 when Joseph Stalin led a Russian invasion of Poland. “My job is to stir up trouble,” said a high-ranking Pentagon official as he lit a cigar. “Hopefully start a ...

It Gets Really Cold During Global Warming

Denver, CO – New information from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) almost thirty thousand low max records were recorded in the past year. “This is clearly because of global warming,” said a White House official. “That’s the only thing you should be thinking about. Yes, ever. And know that whatever we do, it’s ...

New Painkiller Somewhat More Effective, Kinda Less Addicting

New York, NY – The Food and Drug Administration has approved a new version of a popular but highly criticized painkiller that is designed to deter abuse. “Before, if you have too much, you’d die!” exclaimed a top FDA official. “But now, if you have too much, you’ll… oh. Umm, well, don’t be a pill ...