Kiev, Ukraine – A six thousand-year-old temple holding humanlike figurines and sacrificed animal remains has been discovered within a massive prehistoric settlement in Ukraine.
“We have to respect their religion,” said a man at the State Department. “That means no making fun of them and no- oh, [expletive deleted], I gotta go!” He ran off, followed by two Marines. We later learned he was not affiliated with the State Department but kept his comments because we forgot to interview anyone else.
“This is embarrassing,” said a forgotten god. “I thought no one would dig up the temple, or the past. Yes, I killed my people, but only becuase they began worshipping another god. Oh, I donno. Some fella who said he was the son of the sun. You ask me, they’re all the same. Yeah, that Buddha guy really chaffs me too. Well, off to Bra’Thla. That’s the real heaven, by the way.”
Ukrainian archeologists also found “odd airplane debris”, “Russian soldiers posing as civilians” and “a lot of apathy.”
“I feel like this discovery is very important because, you know,” said a historian. “Oh, why pretend anymore. No one cares about anything any more. It’s a shame.” He leaned back in his chair, adding, “I’d like to add something witty, but I give up. Who’s gonna chuckle? You? Oh. Well, ummm, okay, can you give me five minutes to prepare? Great! I’ll be right back!”