Man Kills God, God Sues For Damages

London, UK – British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking argues God did not create the universe and the “Big Bang” was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics.

“We’re not saying there is no God,” said a nervous scientist. “We’re just saying that He might not have put this universe into existence. We’re also not ruling out the strong possibility that He is a vengeful god. Hence the fearful reverence and the capitalization of He.”

“What?” sputtered an angel. “But that means we’re all just made up? The whole thing was fabricated in some child-like attempt to live forever?” As he faded away he screamed, “noooooooo!”

The Physics Law Department called the assertion “true, for the most part”, “most of the laws you know come from Newton v. Physics, which really set the precedence for what everyone today calls ‘the laws of phyiscs.’ There are some nuanced technicalities, but for the most part, that’s how things work” and “no, you can’t take classes online. We’re not UC Irvine for christ’s sake!”

“We all kinda knew this was coming,” said a man who casually follows science. “I mean, we’ve known about planets and other stars for centuries, so why is this so startling? Can we all just be adults and realize that we’re just one tiny planet in the middle of nowhere and we need to work together to survive? No? Fair enough.”

We Think We’re Not But We Are, And That’s Not Good

New York, NY – A new poll finds many Americans have skewed perceptions when it comes to their weight, often believing they are thinner than they really are, even when the scales are shouting otherwise. “Don’t forget: it’s your job to be thin,” said a doctor. “If you’re not looking like the girls on TV, then you’re doing something wrong. Everyone must look at you ...

Proven: Adults Use Phones

Atlanta, GA – According to a new study, seventy two percent of them American adults now send and receive text messages. “In our continuing series on ‘proving the obvious’ we present our latest discovery: adults text!” said Dr. Reginald J. Tipperson. After the light applause died down he added, “next week we shall prove that a vast majority of people involuntarily do something hundreds of ...

Another Rig Explodes

Grand Isle, LA – The Coast Guard is responding to another oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico. “Truth be told we usually lose one a week,” said a top oil executive. “You won’t believe how delicate these rigs are. If you stomp on the stairs, it’ll blow up. Light a match? It’ll blow ...

FCC Pleas For Help

Washington DC – Federal regulators are seeking public input on what rules should apply to services that aren’t part of the Internet but are delivered over broadband connections. “We’re not sure how to do our job,” said a top FCC official. “So we’re asking the public to do it for us. No, that’s not absurd, ...

Today Is The Only Day You’re Going To Make Money On The Stock Market

New York, NY – Stocks jumped today after surprisingly strong growth in US and Chinese manufacturing allayed some of the worries that had been building over the global economy in recent weeks. “Yes, one indicator is up!” shouted a day trader. “I’m going to base the entire month on this one number! Honey! Buy that ...

Research Proves Thing We Knew Years Ago

London, UK – British researchers recently discovered that physical activity can reduce the genetic tendency toward obesity by forty percent. “Oh my God!” shouted a scientist. “Guys! I’ve just discovered that exercise stops you from getting fat! Quickly, we must patent this before… why are you all looking at me like that? Is there something ...

Shop As Fast As You Can

Washington DC – The owners of the Gallery Place commercial strip have installed a ‘Mosquito,’ an anti-loitering unit that emits high-frequency noise to irritate passerby who linger. “For some reason, business is way down,” said a shop owner. “But I don’t know why. It’s almost as if window shoppers are being forced to move. But ...