North Korea Releases An American For No Reason

Washington DC – The State Department announced one of three Americans being held in North Korea has been released.

“And, as the old Lynyrd Skynyrd song goes, one out of three ain’t bad,” said a high-ranking State Department official. “What? Two out of three? Damn it, you know how much fissionable material we had to give them for that one guy?” He threw up his arms, adding, “we can’t keep saving people. That’s not our job!”

“Since we’re pretty much done, we figure we’ll give a few folks back so we’re not tried on war crimes,” said a high-ranking North Korean official. “I mean, Un is dead. Yo is dead. The Kim Jungs are gone and we have only a few days to kill thousands of political prisoners and not get blamed.” He drew his sidearm, adding, “well, back to wok! I mean, work! See what I did there? Shut up, racist.”

The UN called the release “regrettable”, “if it’s not done under our watch, it’s a slap in our collective faces” and “yes, we would like them to take him back. If that’s what it takes to keep our pride, then yes.”

“Great!” said a fellow American. “Now stop ‘hiking’ around North Korea.” As he walked into a high-security room he added, “sorry, CIA only. No press. Thanks, guys.”

Vegetarians Are To Bearing Children As Sasquatch Is To Photography

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Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for choosing Calamity News to give you some sort of news with some sort of entertainment. This week was full of ebola news, but it wasn’t full of news about pumpkin festivals, autumn leaves, or ebola. Wait, the trees have ebola! That’s why they’re dying! Run! Run for your lives! Have a safe weekend.

Earth Overflowing With Dead People

Tel Aviv, Israel – Cemetery overcrowding is an issue that resonates around the world, particularly in its most cramped cities and among religions that forbid or discourage cremation. “We’re up to our armpits with corpses,” said a local man. “It’s pretty horrific.” He looked around the corpse-filled restaurant, adding, “I’m not sure if my waiter ...