Washington DC – A bipartisan deal to improve veterans’ health care would authorize at least seventeen billion dollars to fix the health program scandalized by long patient wait times and falsified records covering up delays.
“Fine,” said a Congressman as he slumped in his chair. “We’ll do it. But only because you made such a freakin’ big stink about it.” He sighed, rolled his eyes, then added, “ugh, now? Can you at least let me drag [the bill] out until midterm elections to shame my opponents? Ugh, this stinks.”
“Umm, we can help,” said a doctor. “As long as I get paid to give care to people, I don’t care who you are. That’ll be three hundred dollars. What? This is a consultation. Cut out fatty foods and exercise. There, three hundred dollars please. Fine, we’ll go to collections.”
Congress is also considering “helping the kids who have crossed the border, if you make it worth our while”, “giving aid to the millions displaced from war in the Middle East, if we can get re-elected” and “whatever is the bare minimum, as long as we look like we’re really going out of our way to do stuff.”
“Wait, so we weren’t taking care of our veterans?” asked an American citizen. “What the [expletive deleted]? Wait, so they were just waiting for help and not getting it? The dudes fighting in war? Yes, and the ladies? Jesus, that’s… that’s deplorable. Yes, [expletive deleted]ing deplorable. Oh, so now they might be able to go to a private doctor and get reimbursed? That’s your solution? So wrong.”