Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we can say, with no uncertainty what-so-ever, that the world will end. Oh no, not right now, or even that soon, but rest assured, the panic-stricken, pearl-clutching, fainting-couch owning press are factually correct: the world…

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Breaking News


Healthcare/401(K) 2012

Horrible Health Insurer Exist Horrible Healthcare System

Washington DC – UnitedHealth, the nation’s biggest health insurer, will cut its participation in public health insurance exchanges to only a handful of states next year after expanding to nearly three dozen for this year. “The whole thing is a…


Oil Collapses Because Of Unorganized OPEC Meeting

Doha, Qatar – Oil prices tumbled today after a meeting by major exporters in Qatar collapsed without an agreement to freeze output, leaving the credibility of the OPEC producer cartel in tatters and the world awash with unwanted fuel. “Wouldn’t…


Anonymous Drinker/Goehring

TSA WhistleBlown

Washington DC – Employees of the TSA claim poor leadership and a culture of retaliation are making it harder for the Administration to address security gaps. “You wouldn’t believe how horrible they are!” exclaimed an employee. “They hired me! No,…

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Hungary Serbia Border/Benedek

ISIS Gets In To US Via Open Border

Houston, TX – One of the American men accused in Minnesota of trying to join the Islamic State group wanted to open up routes from Syria to the US through Mexico. “That’s an imaginary border that we ask all drug…

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Imprisoned City Officials Make Everyone Healthy Again

Flint, MI – The man who supervised Flint’s water treatment plant has been charged, along with two state environmental officials, in connection with the Michigan city’s water crisis. “Justice!” shouted a local man. “That’s the sort of thing that will…

USAF/US Air Force

China Gets All Of Our Secrets, Ciphers, Enigmas

Norfolk, VA – A US naval flight officer with an extensive signals intelligence background was accused by the service of passing secrets to China. “Oh yes,” chuckled a Chinese official. “Spy number one three six two six.” He let out…


Olympic Cauldron/Rawlinson

Olympic Flame Lit, Sold

Athens, Greece – The countdown to the Rio 2016 Games formally began this morning with the ceremonial lighting of the Olympic torch in southern Greece. “Let us start the- hold on, I’m being handed a bulletin. China wins!” yelled an…

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April Fools English/Solomon203

Google Takes April Fools’ Too Far By Participating

San Francisco, CA – Google’s April Fools’ Day prank has backfired, leaving the company looking the fool and a number of concerned users fearing for their jobs. “I sent an email using the stupid ‘mic drop’ thing. I didn’t know…

Killer Whale/Curanaj

Killer Protesters Killed Killer Whales

San Diego, CA – SeaWorld announced it will end its killer whale breeding programs and take a “new direction” amid changing social attitudes. “It’s time we stop showing animals,” announced an employee. “Everyone knows that taking care of animals, feeding…



British Doctors Claim E-Cigs Are Healthy

London, UK – British doctors claim e-cigarettes are not as dangerous as traditional lit tobacco products and can be useful to help smokers quit. “They fill you up and make you better!” exclaimed a British doctor. “What better way to…

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Stroking Egos, Not Strokes

Houston, TX – A new, rambling story about a man having a stroke reveals that there is a new stroke treatment can save lives. “We have to put a human face on it,” said a doctor. “After all, I’d just…

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FDA Gives A Thumbs Up To Boosting Acid In Products

Atlanta, GA – The Food and Drug Administration says it’s all right to add folic acid to masa products, the flour used to make corn tortilla, tamales, pupusas and other Latin American food staples. “If Americans need anything, it’s more…


Blister Prevention Gets Much Needed Boost

Boston, MA – A new study released in the Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine found paper tape was better than powders, antiperspirants, lubricants, Band-Aids, or adhesive pads in preventing blisters. “Thank God!” said a man. “Now all I have to…



EU Approves The Internet

London, UK – An adviser to Europe’s top court claims a link to a website which publishes photos without authorisation of the author does not in itself constitute a copyright infringement. “It’s taken twenty years, but hotlinking isn’t illegal,” said…

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Supreme Court/Roeder

President Does His Job

Washington DC – President Obama shocked the nation when he asked that DC circuit judge Garland be considered to serve on the Supreme Court. “How dare he!” yelled a Republican. “That’s not the President’s job! He’s supposed to make laws…

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ISIS HR Failed, Beheaded

Washington DC – Thousands of documents apparently leaked from inside ISIS paint a detailed picture of the terror group’s personnel, including a twenty-year-old from Minneapolis with just a high-school education. “Well, the Minneapolis thing makes sense,” said a White House…


Liking Illegal In Germany

Frankfurt, Germany – A Dusseldorf regional court ruled Facebook’s “Like” button violates German and European privacy laws in a case brought by a consumer group against an online shopping site which relied on the user recommendation feature. “It’s illegal to…


Mark 45/Garza Jr

Safe Guns Will Make America Safe, White House Promises

Washington DC – The White House hopes it can finally launch smart gun technology with childproof weaponry aimed at stopping accidental shootings and increasing gun safety. “It’s time we solidify our legacy as peace builders,” said a White House official….

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Laser Harp/Morisseau

India Installs Laser Walls

New Delhi, India – After experimenting with barbed wire, surveillance cameras and even cowbells and camels, India has now reportedly introduced “laser walls” at its border with archenemy Pakistan. “Sure, we could build regular walls,” said an Indian official. “Or,…

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Tesla Coil/Airarcs

UK Deploys Drone Death Ray, Annoying Drone Operator Ray

London, UK – The UK government has already undertaken trials of counter-UAV systems, including one using military-grade technology deployed in Afghanistan that downs unmanned aerial vehicles with a “death ray” jamming its radio signals. “It’s time we take matters into…


Japan Successfully Tests First Stealth Fighter, No One Notices

Tokyo, Japan – Japan’s first stealth fighter jet successfully took to the skies as the country joins a select group of world military powers wielding the radar-dodging technology. “Look at our success!” yelled a Japanese fighter pilot. “Wait, you can’t…”…



Roman Coin Heist Completed After Seventeen Centuries

Madrid, Spain – More than thirteen hundred pounds of bronze Roman coins dating to the third century A.D. have been unearthed by construction workers digging a trench. “These have to be worth… wait a minute, we converted to Euros! These…

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Twenty Dollar Bill/redjar

Money To Change, Change Hands, Hand Change

Washington DC – The Treasury Secretary will announce plans to both keep Alexander Hamilton on the front of the ten dollar bill and to knock Andrew Jackson off the front of the twenty dollar bill in favor of Harriet Tubman….

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Income Tax/Besnette

Half Of Americans Stiff America

Washington DC – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or seventy five million patriots, will pay no federal individual income tax. “Damn poor!” yelled an…



EU Takes On Google, Instantly Wiped From Internet

Brussels, Belgium – The European Union antitrust chief, who has already charged Google with favoring its own shopping service in internet searches, said on that she was now examining its deals with phone makers and operators. “Oh, sure, pick on…

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Old Man Yells At Old Woman In The Bronx

New York, NY – Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders tangled over her judgment and [Bernie’s] grasp of policy in a tense and at times personal debate, less than a week before the pivotal New York primary. “Why are they even…

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Varaderos Beach/Huybrechts

Cuba Bites Hand That Sanctions Them

Havana, Cuba – As Cubans debate the impact of President Barack Obama’s historic trip to the island last week, one prominent figure is lambasting the visit: Fidel Castro. “This is horrible!” screamed a member of the old guard. “Talking with…


South Horizons/Wing1990hk

App Allows Church To Finally Accept Young People

Los Angeles, CA – A new app allows hip worshippers to donate directly to a church, or set up automatic recurring payments. “It’s like eBay, but with your soul,” said a priest. “It’s like Tinder, but with your morals. It’s…

Exodus/God's work

Possessed Woman Scares Most Of Mexico

Culiacan, Mexico – A video showing a woman dressed in white, wandering around the roads at night and scaring people has some believing she could be possessed by evil spirits. “She’s obviously possessed by evil spirits,” said a woman. “Why…



DNA Can Finally Ruin Marriages

New York, NY – DNA testing companies claim they can tell you how compatible you are with your mate. “Yes! I object!” shouted a scientist from the third row during the Pressin-Nowland wedding. “The following segments are not compatible! two…

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Warmer Planet Means Deader Ozone

Los Angeles, CA – A new study looking at the effects of climate change predicts an extra week of dangerous ozone levels every year across the US by the year 2050. “We started this whole thing by freaking out about…

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Humans Can Finally Live Long Enough To See Sun Envelope Earth

Beijing, China – Chinese scientists for the first time revealed that gene editing tools like CRISPR can modify human embryos and can increase lifespan. “Finally!” said a man from his couch. “Because I skipped Lost and was thinking about watching…

Hot Jupiter/NASA

Planet We’ll Never Get To Is Uninhabitable

Space – Scientists have known for years that 55 Cancri e, a “super-Earth” forty light years from Earth, is a bit warm, but now they know it’s about forty five hundred degrees Fahrenheit. “Scratch it off the list,” said a…



Utah Plans To Combat Porn With Boner Killing Education

Provo, UT – The governor of Utah is set to sign a resolution passed by the state legislature last month that calls for increased “education, prevention, research, and policy change at the community and societal level” to combat pornography. “The…

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Cyber Attack/Colen

Not Enough Worrying Over Cyber Attacks, Experts Warn

Dallas, TX – According to the Internet Security Threat Report released by the cyber security company Symantec, digital attacks are growing in number and sophistication. “We need to be freaking out,” said an expert. “Like, on the floor, in the…

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Flash Update Of Flash Flushes Out Flash Flaw

New York, NY – Adobe issued an emergency update yesterday to its widely used Flash software for Internet browsers after researchers discovered a security flaw that was being exploited to deliver ransomware to Windows PCs. “This exploit has been around…

Care O Bot/Wang

Robots In The Future Are Just Plain Annoying

Seattle, WA – Microsoft is trying to create all kinds of bots with different personalities, which would become more realistic, and presumably less irksome, as they learned from repeated interactions with users. “Most of our bots have pre-programmed personalities that’ll…



Uber Spills Beans, Losens Lips, Sings Canary Style

San Francisco, CA – Uber released its first ever transparency report detailing the information requested by not only US law enforcement agencies, but also by regulators. “They have guns,” said a company spokesman. “So, no, we’re not going to tell…

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WiFi To Fix All Of Your Petty Plane Problems

Des Moines, IA – Airlines boast that in-flight WiFi will get faster and cheaper in the coming years. “We don’t want to over promise anything,” said an airline official. “But be prepared to be immersed in a fully virtual world…


Ride Share Company Begs To Be Hacked

Seattle, WA – Ride-hailing app Uber is offering hackers up to ten thousand dollars to hack its system to uncover flaws. “As long as you don’t just give yourself unlimited rides for the rest of your life,” added a company…


Mosquito Netting/Wiersma

Florida Pleased About Prospect Of Mosquito Genocide

Tampa, FL – The plan to eradicate the mosquito population may soon become reality in the Florida Keys, where Intrexon Corporation’s Oxitec Ltd. has proposed letting genetically-engineered mosquitoes free in a bid to cut down on the Aedes aegypti strain,…


Zoo Visitors Relabeled ‘Live Animal Feed’

Tampa, FL – According to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the Florida zoo where a keeper was mauled to death by a tiger last week has dealt with at least three other incidents, dating back to 1990, in…



Europe Conquers Moon

Space – The European Space Agency is pressing forward in its plans to set up a permanent human outpost on the moon. “But… what about us?” asked a NASA official. “Can’t we… I mean, shouldn’t we…” He looked around the…

Russian Jets/Beltyukov

Russian Jets Trolling US Ships

Paris, France – According to Western analysts, a series of extremely low passes by two Russian jets over a US destroyer this week was a dangerous example of brinkmanship by Moscow in what has become an increasingly worrying trend. “We’ve…