Whites To Become Obsolete By 2050

Washington DC – Minorities make up nearly half the children born in the US, part of a historic trend in which minorities are expected to become the US majority over the next forty years.

“Finally, some diversity,” said a white guy. “After all, we need diversity so… that is, we should have more minorities to… ummm. Well, it’s important that everyone is represented in the workplace even though it pushes the more qualified people to the side. Wait a minute, that sounds like racism. Ohhh, I see what you did there.”

“Yeah! We win!” shouted a minority man. As he climbed down from his chair and sat back down he added, “umm, so what does this mean? I mean, what do I get from this? Except more responsibility on the national level. Oh no. We have a lot to learn if we’re going to take the reins. Excuse me.”

A spokeswoman for the year 2050 called the news “on par”, “pretty much everything that we told you would happen in the year 2000 will happen in the year 2050. Mostly because of the Carter administration” and “bring some condoms, cause your mind is about to get [expletive deleted]ed. Sorry, that’s a popular saying in the future.”

“Oh, you won’t be worrying about race,” said a top Chinese General. “I know granting an interview for such a trivial study might seem absurd, but trust me, you won’t have to worry about anything come the summer.” After laughing to himself he added, “mostly because you’ll be dead.”

God, Caffeine Helps Most Americans Through Day

Toronto, Canada – A new study suggests most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and concerned with their personal well-being, though the well-educated and higher earners are less likely than their counterparts to believe in such divine intervention. “If I didn’t have God reminding me to love my children or to drive on the right side of the road, why I’d be ...

Bank Tries Being Responsible

New York, NY – Bank of America is planning to no longer allow debit card purchases to go through if there isn’t enough money in the account. “We’ve been screwing you guys for a long time because of your simple-minded greed,” said a top bank official. “But after a decade we realized, we’re just as greedy. Well, to keep ourselves on a higher moral footing ...

They’re Watching You While You Shop, Sleep, Sleepshop

London, UK – Retailers are targeting individual shoppers with digital billboards which identify the age and sex of passers-by then display relevant products. “We’re this close to implanting a chip into your head and making you buy our stuff,” said one top marketing executive as he held his fingers approximately one and a quarter inches ...

Nuclear Party For Everyone!

Paris, France – Mideast rivals Israel and Syria each announced ambitions to develop nuclear energy, with Israel facing the prospect that its plan could bring new international attention to its secretive nuclear activities. “What better way to up our rivalry than with nuclear weapons?” asked a high-ranking Syrian official. “Sure, we could keep trading against ...

US Finally Given A Chance To Lead An Industry

Washington DC – New reports show the US has a large, untapped reserve of rare earth minerals that could safeguard future tech innovation. “Yeah!” shouted a White House official. “Now our technology and mining industries can swing into operation, creating another golden age of development that will propel the US back into the black!” After ...

Church Not The Only Abusers

Vatican City, Vaticanland – A Vatican spokesman said any abuse in the church is “especially deplorable” given its educational and moral responsibilities, but the problem of child abuse is wider than cases that have surfaced within the church and that focusing on the church alone would not truly depict the problem. “We’re not the only ...

Chewing Gum Has Serious Consequences

Chicago, IL – Cosmetic surgeons believe chewing gum not only freshens our breath, but gives us wrinkles. “It’s important that people know the horrible side effects of their recreational food choices,” said a AMA member. “That’s why we’ve lobbied long and hard to get a label on the side of cigarette boxes. And we’ve saved ...