Siu mei/Yuan

Picky Eaters Become Serial Killers

Denver, CO – According to a study published in the journal Pediatrics, picky eating, even at moderate levels, is linked with psychiatric problems, including anxiety and symptoms of depression in kids. “If your kid doesn’t do exactly what us childless…

Read More

Breaking News

Business

Pingyao/Benzh

Chinese Market Crash Despite Direct Order Not To

Seoul, South Korea – The Shanghai share index fell the most since early 2007 this morning as Chinese stocks suffered a renewed sell-off despite government efforts to calm the market. “Yes!” yelled a CIA agent. “And that’s how destroy a…

Read More
People In Line/The Photographer

Less Jobless Means More Jobmores, Which Is Super Confusing

Washington, DC – The number of Americans filing new applications for unemployment benefits fell more than expected last week, pointing to a solid labor market. “Normally I’d be up here telling you to look at the quarterly job numbers, because…



Crime

Drone/Pix

Everyone Fears Terrorist Drones

London, UK – Terrorists want to use the unmanned machines, which are available for as little as a hundred dollars, to drop explosives on large crowds at popular sporting and cultural gatherings. “Oh, no, it makes sense,” admitted a Pentagon…

Read More
Soldiers/Vucicevic

Someone Finally Held Accountable For Nazi Atrocities

Lueneburg, Germany – The ninety-four-year-old former guard known as the “accountant of Auschwitz” was convicted today on three hundred thousand counts of accessory to murder. “We can finally put this whole ugly incident behind us,” said a top German official….


2753574904_f44932497e_o

Ice Cream Bandits Put On Ice To Chill

Provo, UT – Two Utah teens face vehicle burglary and theft charges after authorities say they broke into a truck and stole tubs of ice cream whilst broadcasting their escapades online. “I don’t know how they were caught,” said a…


Entertainment

Football/osubeaver2000

The NFL Hires A Woman! A Woman? A Woman!

Phoenix, AZ – The NFL announced the Arizona Cardinals have hired the first female coach in National Football League history. “Now, when our players beat their wives, their girlfriends, other women in bars, or kids, we can say it’s okay…

Read More
Stripes on the Field/AdamKR

Baseball Even More Corrupt Than Soccer

Houston, TX – A federal official confirmed to NBC News that the FBI is looking into allegations that officials of the St. Louis Cardinals illegally hacked into a computer database of the Houston Astros. “We just wanted to know if…



Health

Insomnia/Miller

One Bad Night Sleep Will Kill You

Stockholm, Sweden – Researchers have discovered that missing a single night of sleep can alter the genes that control our body’s cellular biological clocks. “If you miss anything less than a second of sleep, you’re dead,” said a researcher. “If…



Legal

Internet Money/uncredited

Failed Business Ventures Now Illegal

Washington DC – Federal regulators are going after people who raise money online through crowdfunding sites like Kickstarter and GoFundMe but don’t follow through on their promises. “All these sick bastards who dared to dream and then ask for money…

Read More
Cell Phone/kev-shine

NSA’s Massive Domestic Spying Operation Might Be Illegal

New York, NY – A federal appeals court ruled against the National Security Agency’s bulk collection of telephone call information, completely rejecting the government’s legal justification for the program. “It’s our job to make these sorts of judgements,” said an…


Stocks/Poike

Trading Stocks Crashed Stock Market

London, UK – According to unsealed court documents, a high-frequency futures trader has been charged with illegally manipulating the stock market, contributing to the May 2010 “flash crash.” “You can’t click faster than this,” said a stock market expert in…


Military

Laser Broom/Fulvio314

Russian Space Bots Almost Ready For Attack

Washington, DC – Speculation is rising that Moscow could be prepping for an aggressive space war, after the Pentagon observed several launches of Russian spacecraft that look like prototype weapons. “Honestly, we gave up in the 90s,” said a Pentagon…

Read More
Cockpit of Tupolev TU-160/Beltyukov

Russian Bombers Chicken Out During July 4th Nuclear Run

Los Angeles, CA – Defense officials report two Russian nuclear bombers flew within forty miles of the California coast and one of the pilots relayed a veiled threat during the Fourth of July aerial incident. “Now, we can’t nuke Northern…


F-15 Escort/Moorer

Russian Fighter Jet Almost Hugs US Fighter Jet

Washington DC – A Russian fighter jet, flying at high speed, came within ten feet of a US Air Force reconnaissance aircraft in international airspace over the Baltic Sea late last month. “First of all, no one likes a tattle…


Money

NYSE/MarshalN20

Trading Halted For Small Apocalyptic Glitch

New York, NY – Trading in all symbols was halted on the New York Stock Exchange floor today due to an apparent technical issue. The NYSE tweeted that there was no sign of a cyberattack. “Is there no sign because…

Read More
Panda/Unicurse

Chinese Markets Collapse Like House Of Dou Dizhu Cards

Beijing, China – Chinese stocks fell again today, with the CSI300 index of the largest listed companies in Shanghai and Shenzhen ending down almost two percent. “No one is worried or panicking,” wrote a reporter for the China Daily. “Everyone…

Read More


Politics

GOP Debate/IowaPolitics.com

One More Guy Wants To Be President

Richmond, VA – The former governor of Virginia has formally announced that he’s running for president today, saying in a web video that he’s the best candidate to reverse America’s “decline.” “Hey, there’s always Arby’s,” reasoned a GOP strategist. “Sure,…

Read More
Confederate Battle Flag/Maleszyk

Flag Removed, Racism Over!

Columbia, SC – Cheers and applause erupted as the Confederate battle flag was removed from the South Carolina Capitol, ending a decades-long fight that was reignited after the murders of nine members of a historically black Charleston church. “Yes, we…

Read More
Sissinghurst Castle/GraceKelly

Queen Evicted

London, UK – Britain’s Queen Elizabeth might have to move out of Buckingham Palace for an extended period under plans being considered to allow builders to carry out millions of pounds of repairs to the crumbling building. “Oy!” said a…



Religion

Purple Drank/Stickpen

Americans More Confident In Something Than Religion

New York, NY – A new Gallup survey finds the church could be “losing its footing as a pillar of moral leadership in the nation’s culture” as Americans have less confidence in organized religion today than ever measured before. “We…

Read More
Holy Cross/Duncan

Pope Leak 2015!

Rome, Italy – Italian magazine L’Espresso leaked Pope Francis’ hotly anticipated encyclical on climate change on its website yesterday, breaking an embargo on the document set for Thursday. “The Pope believes we should all live in caves and give up…

Read More


Science

Siu mei/Yuan

Picky Eaters Become Serial Killers

Denver, CO – According to a study published in the journal Pediatrics, picky eating, even at moderate levels, is linked with psychiatric problems, including anxiety and symptoms of depression in kids. “If your kid doesn’t do exactly what us childless…

Read More

Moon/Verino

The Moon Returns For One Last Mission

Honolulu, HI – Full-moon lovers will get their fill this month, when the earth’s satellite makes its second July appearance tonight. “Can’t get enough of the moon?” asked an Internet salesman. “Well, stupid, don’t go outside! You can see the…


Technology

Computer/Pexels

British Parliament Addicted To Porn

London, UK – Almost a quarter of a million attempts were made to view pornographic material by users of the British parliament’s network last year. “To be fair, we only have six guys working here,” admitted a British politician. “So…


Assembly Line/Land Rover MENA

Robots Kill Humans Under Cover Of Surgery

Atlanta, GA – Robotic surgery is on the rise as doctors look to make procedures less invasive, but according to a new study, the strategy comes with risks. “Well, I gotta go!” said a doctor as he waved at the…


Travel


Laser Pointers/BOY

Planes Attacked By Lasers, Pointed Lasers

Atlanta, GA – Eleven commercial flights reported lasers pointed at them as they flew over New Jersey in the latest in a growing number of such dangerous incidents plaguing US skies. “This is a problem for big government!” exclaimed a…


US

Fire/Keith

All Of California On Fire

Sacramento, CA – Thousands of people were ordered out of their homes early today after wind-whipped wildfires burned dozens of buildings across northern California. “Sorry, but the state’s closed,” announced a state official. “We’re all on fire and if we…

Read More
Lockers/Lima Pix

Bullies Win

Atlanta, GA – According to a new provocative study, bullying behaviors are linked to higher self-esteem, social status, and a lower rate of depression. “Of course we feel better,” said a bully. “Because we’re on top, stupid.” He then smacked…

Read More


World

Lightning/NOAA

God Attacks Moscow

Moscow, Russia – Heavy rains with thunder and lightning have descended upon the Russian capital. “This is newsworthy because it happened,” reasoned an editor. “And look at all these cool pictures! No one’s ever seen a thunderstorm like this before!…

Read More
Funeral of Ayatollah Montazeri/Saber

Iran Threatens US For Amazing Nuke Deal

Tehran, Iran – Iran’s supreme leader tweeted a graphic over the weekend that appears to depict President Obama holding a gun to his head as Britain relaxed its travel advice to the nation, citing decreased hostility under the Iranian government….

Read More

Cow/Weller

Swiss Cows Airlifted Water, Fo Real

Mainz, Germany – Army helicopters have airlifted nearly twenty four thousand gallons of water to thirsty cows amid scorching temperatures in southern Switzerland. “We’re concerned that our cows will be thirsty,” said a Swiss official. “So, we decided it would…