Test Chock Full Of Nutrition, Fun, Advertising

Albany, NY – New York’s Common Core-related tests are allegedly full of corporate brand names and slogans.

“I think the Core tests are refreshing to the max!” exclaimed a New York State Regent. “In fact, they’re full of bounce! Refi your worries away!” After a long pause he added, “none of you drink Sunpunch, use Colman’s sneakers, or refinance with Schenectady’s number three home loan refinancer Schmidt & Associates? Well, your kids will!”

“Once again, this proves the common core doesn’t work,” said mother and pro tem home-school teacher Heather Von Gulerth. “The only way to educate our children is to do it ourselves.” She held up the Bible, adding, “and this is the only text book we need. Come on, kids, let’s learn more about… I donno, whatever’s in here.”

The National Advertising Collation called the test’s branding “our dream”, “we did work in a major cigarette brand into the SATs in 1951. At least we got a half-century out of that investment” and “we’re still trying to get Congress to open with the Cool Aid man bursting into the chamber. It’s a work in progress.”

“We all know ads don’t work,” said a twenty-something. “Except if they’re viral, like a video or a simple graphic poster placed around town. Then I’ll buy it.” He rocked back and forth a few times, adding, “then I’ll totally buy it. Gotta be the first. Buy it.”

Civilians Not Ready For EMP World

Washington DC – The catastrophic effects of an electromagnetic pulse-caused blackout could be preventable, but experts warn the civilian world is still not ready. “Oh my God, you guys are so not ready,” testified US Army General J. Lawrence Wetherby before a Congressional committee. “I mean, like, so, so, so not ready. To demonstrate.” He pointed to an aide who turned off the lights for ...

Scientists Finally Get Off Lazy Asses And Cure Genetic Diseases In Adults

Atlanta, GA – Scientists have used a revolutionary genome-editing technology to cure a genetic disease in living, adult animals. “Take that, God,” shouted Dr. J. Samuel Beryl as he shook his fist at the sky. “We’re fixing things you’re too lazy to-” He grabbed his chest, fell to the ground, and whispered, “point taken. No need to keep this up, point…” Services will be held ...

Americans Still Suspicious Of Big Bang, Immigrants, Guys Named Mitch

New York, NY – An AP poll found whilst scientists believe the universe began with a Big Bang, most Americans put a big question mark on the concept. “Once again, this proves that you are stupid,” said a scientist. “I’m sorry, but we’ve been reaching out to you morons for decades now, showing you how ...

Biofuels Just As Bad As Fuel

Washington DC – A study shows biofuels made from the leftovers of harvested corn plants are worse than gasoline for global warming in the short term, challenging the Obama administration’s conclusions that they are a much cleaner oil alternative and will help combat climate change. “No!” screamed a White House insider. “That’s not how it ...

Queen’s Reign Of Terror Continues

London, UK – The ruling monarch of the United Kingdom turns eighty eight today, making her a very old oppressor of the English people. “It’s almost safer for the people to have a despot in control,” said a high-ranking member of the US State Department. “You see what’s going on in Egypt, right? Total ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News. Every weekday we publish the news with our own unique satirical spin. That is all we’re going to say about that. Against all odds, you somehow survived the onslaught of high orange prices, robot insurgents, another earth, online PTSD, healthy choices, mobile devices, work, pot, a vulnerable power grid, ghosts, the inevitability of death, violent video games, new Navy destroyers, the IRS, and Chinese space lasers. Like any of those things could really kill you. Well, except death. Have a safe weekend!

We’re Doing Something Right, Or Are We?

Washington DC – A new federal study shows the rates of heart attacks and strokes among diabetics fell by more than sixty percent over the last two decades. “No!” screamed Dr. Barry Egielman. “When will you people learn? You have to eat right, exercise, and for the love of all that is holy, stop with ...