US/UK Crazy Go To Fight Crazy Over Crazy

Washington DC – Top US and British counterterrorism officials said that the growing number and variety of foreign fighters streaming into Syria is unprecedented in recent history.

“It’s almost like it’s a totally lawless area where anyone can wander in and start killing,” said a UN official. “But the Assad folks told us they’re in control. Why would they lie? Everyone respects the UN and our complete authority over world events. Wait, why is everyone covering their mouths? Are you giggling?”

“I don’t know why, we won,” said a White House official. “And now we’re leaving, right on schedule.” Over the boos from the press corp he shouted, “you people used to worship us! What changed your minds? Really? Too far? But we’re the Administration! We can do no wrong! How is that going too far?”

The US Federation of Over Emotional Peoples called the move “crazy”, “yo, we might be on the cusp of a nervous breakdown, but that [expletive deleted] is a [expletive deleted]ing crazy move right there” and “what? You judging us? Oh, now we gonna lose our [expletive deleted]! Of course we’re real! We’re [expletive deleted]ing here, aren’t we?”

“It seems like this has been going on for a long time,” said a casual observer. “Why are they just addressing it now? Yeah, I guess it’s better than waiting a few months and then address it. Still…”

Pope Blesses Exorcists, Snubs Devil

Vatican, Vatican World – The Pope has told a convention of exorcists from around the world that they are doing sterling service in combating “the Devil’s works,” as the Catholic Church warned of a rise in Satanism and the occult. “He’s not literally talking about battling the Devil’s works,” said a priest. “It’s like when he says we’re eating the body of Christ. We don’t ...

Thinking Computer Comes Alive, Assesses World, Shuts Down

London, UK – New Scientist reports experts at Google owned company will equip a machine with the means to create like a human, but still with the number-crunching power of a computer. “Don’t worry,” said a computer scientist monitoring the computer’s progression. “If something goes horribly wrong, we can just turn it off.” He flipped a switch and after a few seconds, added, “umm, unless ...

Winter Arrives Alarmingly On Time

Boston, MA – A shocking blast of cold air and the potential for snow will highlight the weather for millions in the Northeastern states this Halloween into the first weekend of November. “This is because the Earth is heating up,” said a scientist. “It always snows when it’s hot. Everyone knows that.” After glancing off-stage ...

Tractor Beam Built, Chicks Unimpressed

Moscow, Russia – Physicists have built a tractor beam out of lasers that can both repel and attract objects across distances one hundred times farther than previously possible. “Now we can grab a single gold atom and move it almost seven centimeters!” exclaimed a scientist to a packed bar. The bar grew quiet as people ...

Lava, The Slowest Of Natural Disasters, Misses Houses

Honolulu, HI – Lava flow from the Kilauea volcano that has been creeping toward inhabited areas of Hawaii’s Big Island for months is now just a football field away from the nearest residential property. “We’re confident that the entire island will be covered in lava in the coming deciquadlenium,” said a scientist. “That is ...

Pope Doubles Down On God

Vatican, Vatican – The Pope claims the Big Bang theory “doesn’t contradict the intervention of a divine Creator, but demands it.” “You see, no one understands how the Big Bang actually happened,” said a Bishop. “So, naturally, it’s God. Now, when we finally do discover how universes are made, we’re confident we’ll have another explanation ...

White House Spied On Reporters Knowing Full Public Has *Gate Fatigue

Washington DC – A former CBS News reporter who quit the network over claims it kills stories that put President Obama in a bad light says she was spied on by a “government-related entity” that planted classified documents on her computer. “Finally!” said an editor of a major US media outlet. “We can get back ...