Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where things that happen are sorta reported in a funny way that really don’t reflect stuff.

Unbeknownst to us, robots are mounting an attack. There were, no joke, three separate, full length stories warning us about killer robots. Not to mention drones, secret military exercises, Russian aggression, tracking devices, and a smattering of natural disaster news. All in all, it was another humdrum week of havoc and destruction.

Have a safe weekend!

Americans Are Working, On Purpose

Washignton DC – A new Gallup poll finds that economically-stressed Americans are now working an “average” of forty seven hours, with a growing number clocking sixty hours or more. “You have to keep working!” screamed a White House official as he cracked a whip. “Pay for the unions! Pay company lobbyists! Pay for the trillions in welfare for those who don’t want to work!” After ...

Russia Is Not To Be Messed With. You Cannot Mess With This Country.

Moscow, Russia – President Vladimir Putin said Russia’s armed forces, backed by its nuclear arsenal, were ready to meet any aggression, declaring at a pro-Kremlin youth camp that foreign states should understand: “It’s best not to mess with us.” “Who’s going to mess with them?” asked a White House official. “They’re pretty much unstoppable. I mean, whew, right? Don’t mess with those crazy bastards. They’ll ...

Deadly Drones Tested, Approved

Australia – A Queensland farm on the Darling Downs has become the unlikely testing ground of one of the most technologically advanced Google projects that could see autonomous drones deliver anything from chocolate to life-saving medicines. “This is our chance to test our controversial chocolate delivery drone before releasing them on the public,” said a ...

Russia Very Slowly Invades Ukraine

Novoazovsk, Ukraine – Two columns of tanks and military vehicles rolled into southeastern Ukraine from Russia today after Grad missiles were fired at a border post and Ukraine’s overmatched border guards fled. “We were going to swoop in, but the UN got their tubes in a bunch over it,” said a Russian diplomat. “Then we ...

More Killer Robot Warnings Should Raise Red Flags, But Don’t

New York, NY – A top United Nations official says killer robots programmed to open fire without human control are just a “small step” from the battlefield and military powers should agree to outlaw them. “Really? Killer robots?” asked a US diplomat. “I think we have a lot more to worry about than killer robots.” ...

Possessed Italian Politician Asks Pope For Exorcist Recommendation Instead Of Checking Yellow Pages

Rome, Italy – A senior Italian politician who compared a black minister to an orang-utan has now said he is considering asking the Pope to recommend an exorcist to fight off the curse he claims the minister’s father has placed on him. “Why does this keep happening?” asked an Italian diplomat. “This is the two ...

France Discovers There’s Something Going On With Ebola And Africa

Paris, France – France recommended that its citizens leave the African countries of Sierra Leone and Liberia because of the outbreak of Ebola there, and Air France temporarily suspended its three flights a week to Sierra Leone. “We just found out about this whole ebola thing,” said a French official. “We are shocked that- what? ...