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Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for visiting Calamity News. We are proud to entertain you, the individual, free-thinking, news consumer. This week you almost died from bugs, internet outages, gas, booze, comets, power grids, investors, Iran, Utah, food, the dead, airlines, Cuba, and…

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Breaking News

Business

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Stinky Store Campaign Amuses Hundreds, Hospitalizes Eight

Muncie, IN – Authorities were called to the north Muncie Walmart store late last night, when customers reportedly complained of breathing difficulties after an unusual odor was detected in the store. “You know how faster music makes people shop more?”…

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NYSE

Apple Finally Recognized As Valuable Company

New York, NY – Apple, the most valuable company on the planet, is finally getting the recognition it deserves as it will join the Dow Jones Industrial Average later this month. “This is great!” said a trader. “Now we can…

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Crime

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The Dead Arrested

Tampa, FL – A Jacksonville businessman reported dead two years ago in Venezuela was arrested in North Carolina on alleged fraud charges after his life insurance companies filed a lawsuit alleging he was alive and they shouldn’t be making payments….

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Security Badges Lost, Stolen, Flushed By Children

Atlanta, GA – An investigation has revealed hundreds of ID badges that let airport workers roam the nation’s busiest hub have been stolen or lost in the last two years. “I’m sure if we took two years and investigated you,…

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LAPD Stops Crime Before It Happens

Los Angeles, CA – The LAPD is pioneering the use of helicopters to stop crimes before they start. “We are at the forefront of crime prevention,” said a proud LAPD officer during a press junket. “That being said, the following…


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Germany Disabled By Water

Mainz, Germany – Officials report thieves dismantled and removed several water faucets at the construction site for the new massive headquarters of Germany’s BND foreign intelligence service. “Because of this water, we won’t be able to finish on time,” said…


Entertainment

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Jeopardy Failure Leads To Apocalypse

Los Angeles, CA – In last night’s airing of perennial game show Jeopardy, only one contestant advanced to the Final Jeopardy round. “We’re trying not to put to fine of a point on it, but this is the final sign,”…

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Dinosaur Gives Golfers New Excuse For Double Bogey

Englewood, FL – A large alligator that some say looks a lot like a dinosaur was spotted last weekend on a Florida golf course. “I’m confident that the vast majority of dinosaurs are dead,” said paleontologist Dr. Samuel Ingle. After…

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Reporters Report They’re Being Reported On

Washington DC – In a survey of investigative reporters that makes Richard Nixon’s enemies list look like child’s play, nearly seven in ten said they believe that the Obama administration has spied on their phone calls, emails and online searches….


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Liars Gonna Lie, Anchors Gonna Repeat Those Lies

New York, NY – An NBC News anchor, who apologized on the air for lying about an experience covering the Iraq War, is now facing scrutiny over his gripping accounts of Hurricane Katrina, the disaster that burnished his nightly news…


Health

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Organic Food Just As Bad As Inorganic Food

Boston, MA – In a statement released through the Food and Drug Administration on Sunday, an organic food maker said that it was voluntarily recalling seventy five thousand products after learning from one of its suppliers that it may have…

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The Minute You Stop Sleeping You Get Diabetes

Albany, NY – A study has found losing just half an hour of sleep every day during the week can increase the likelihood of developing diabetes and obesity. “If you stop sleeping for even a second, you body will attack…


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Who’s Telling You What To Eat? The WHO, That’s Who

Vienna, Austria – New guidelines from the World Health Organization say the world is eating too much sugar and people should slash their sugar intake to just five to ten percent of their overall calories. “If you look at how…


Legal

Utah Firing Squad

Utah To Shoot Everyone

Provo, UT – Utah’s governor signed a bill that brings back firing squads as a potential way to execute some death row prisoners. “We feel this is the best way to murder a person,” said a state official. “It’s efficient,…

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Tobacco Companies Finally Settle Lawsuits Once And For All

Houston, TX – Three major US tobacco companies will pay one hundred million dollars to settle hundreds of federal lawsuits over smoking. “There,” said a tobacco lawyer. “Now we’ll never get in trouble again for selling what is literally cancer.”…


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DHS Urges Citizens To Ignore Threats, Keep Shopping

Washington DC – The Department of Homeland Security has denied it is aware of any credible terrorist plots against shopping centers on US soil after their chief advised shoppers, particularly in the Mall of America, to be careful following threats…


Military

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CIA Couldn’t Get Terrorists To Talk, Chit-Chat, Shoot Breeze

Washington DC – The Senate report on the CIA’s post-September Eleven brutal interrogations shows how a rigorous examination of a secret agency can expose misconduct, incompetence and bureaucratic spin, even for doubters of the investigation’s assertion that torture did not…

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Iran Practices Kicking America’s Ass

Tehran, Iran – Iran’s Revolutionary Guard launches a large-scale naval and air defence drill near a strategic Gulf waterway, during which a replica of a US aircraft carrier is used as a target. “It’s important to practice before the real…



Money


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Money Hits 5000, Back To 2000 Levels

New York, NY – The Nasdaq Composite capped its long march back to five thousand points, eclipsing the level for the first time since March 2000. “Finally!” said a poor man. “Am I rich again? Guys? Am I- guys?” As…


Politics

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Public Records Secret, Secret Records Secret

Washington DC – The inspector general reported that in 2011, when Clinton was secretary of state, department employees wrote more than one billion emails but only marked sixty two thousand for the public record. “You only need to see sixty…

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President Vetos Bill, Jobs, Fun

Washington DC – President Barack Obama has officially vetoed a bill to approve the Keystone XL pipeline, marking his third rejection of congressionally approved legislation during his six years in office. “If the President can just say one of his…


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Post Office To Screw New People

Washington DC – The US Postal Service proposed slight increases for mailing postcards and international letters, but wants to leave first-class “Forever” stamps at their present forty nine cents. “It’s time we squeeze the last twelve people who use our…


Religion

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Pope Really Wants To Steal Your Assets, 401k, Soul

Vatican, The Vatican – Pope Francis has once again spoken out about the global economic climate, decrying an economic system that “seems fatally destined to suffocate hope and increase risks and threats.” “You shouldn’t make fun of the Pope,” said…

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Pope Cool With Child Abuse

Vatican, The Vatican – Pope Francis says it is acceptable for parents to smack their children to punish bad behavior. “But this Pope is so cool!” exclaimed a mother. “I mean, I have to love him because everyone loves him,…

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New Gospel Found, Used To Excuse Upcoming Church Transgressions

Tehran, Iran – A fifteen-thousand-year-old book that contains a previously unknown gospel has been deciphered. “This new gospel is essentially a reboot of the Jesus story,” said filmmaker Jonathan ‘Crash’ Silver. “Think about it: a story of God, who goes…


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Pope Sez Shut The Hell Up, But Without The ‘Hell’

Aboard the Papal Plane – The Pope said there are limits to freedom of expression, especially when it insults or ridicules someone’s faith. “We didn’t like it when you said we were hiding molesting priests for the past few centuries,”…


Science

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Termites Join Forces To Really Mess Up Home Inspections

Tampa, FL – Researchers warn two economically devastating species of invasive termite have joined forces in a “superswarm,” and may spawn a dangerously vigorous generation of hybrid insects. “This is the clearest sign yet that we’re running the planet!” exclaimed…


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Scientists Warn Stopping Malaria Will Not Be Good

Dayton, OH – Scientists warn a new way of creating genetically modified insects could wipe out many mosquito-borne diseases such as malaria within a few years but it could also unleash potentially devastating unintended consequences. “With every good, there’s bad,…


Technology

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The Internet Is In Danger!

Flagstaff, AZ – Reporters have found although most major US metropolitan areas have backup systems, some smaller cities and many rural areas do not. “If we lose cable, we could lose our internet for up to two days,” said a…

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Wearable Tech Must Be Cancerous, Right? RIGHT?!

New York, NY – A World Health Organization panel has extrapolated previous cell phone speculation that the mobile devices could be “possibly carcinogenic,” to wearable technology. “If we assume our original, vague assumption that cell phones give you brain cancer,…

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Apple Server Down For A Few Hours, Billions Die

San Francisco, CA – Apple’s iTunes and App Store came back online on last afternoon, according to its online status page, after an unusual hours-long disruption that the company blamed on an internal technical error. “Shhh, it’s over, it’s okay,”…


Travel

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Planes Slide All Over The Place

Kathmandu, Nepal – A Turkish Airlines jet carrying over two hundred people skidded off a runway this morning at Kathmandu’s airport, forcing those on board to evacuate and effectively shutting down Nepal’s lone international airport. “It really makes you wonder…

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Potential Snow Storm Strands Hundreds Of Thousands

New York, NY – More than fourteen hundred flights out of or into the region’s three major airports have already been canceled this morning, in anticipation of a massive blizzard that could drop two to three feet of snow on…


US

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Yeti Another Abdominally Painful Abominable Study

Seattle, WA – A year ago, geneticists reported that RNA extracted from hair samples attributed to the Himalayan Yeti monster, “the Abominable Snowman,” were actually most similar to the forty-thousand-year-old genetic signature of a now-extinct breed of polar bear. Now…


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Mysterious Green Light Engulfs Coloradans

Denver, CO – Coloradans who were up before the sun on this morning saw a “bright green” fireball soar across the sky before it burned out over the mountains. “It wasn’t aliens,” said an Air Force commander. “We did an…


World

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Iran Isn’t Letting Anyone See Secret Nuke Program

Vienna, Austria – The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency said that Iran has failed to provide the information or access needed to allay the agency’s concerns about the weapons potential of the country’s nuclear program. “Hey, come on,”…

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Cyber Putin Returns To Power

St. Petersburg, Russia – Russian President Putin resurfaced today, smiling and looking his normal self after a ten day absence from public view that fueled a wave of rumors about his health. “Our leader is back, and he’s looking for…