Prediction Machine Predicts Super Bowl™ Winner, Best Commercial, Stale Halftime Show

Phoenix, AZ – The Prediction Machine predicts the Seattle Seahawks will win this year’s Super Bowl™.

“Well, that’s good enough for me,” said a player on the other team. “Come on, guys, let’s go home to our families and enjoy some much needed time off.” As he emptied out his locker an NFL executive handed him a fine and urged him to ‘make hay while the sun is shining.’

“We’re shocked and hurt,” said a major US football game developer. “Everyone looks to our prediction method, where we play our game and ESPN reports on it like it was real.” He shook his head, adding, “what has happened to the gentle world we once knew?”

The Prediction Machine also noted “it’s only a matter of time before humanity falls apart from the blind tolerance of religious extremism and the avoidance of any confrontation”, “the internet will be all boobs by 2018″ and “people will stop using the number seven. Hey, it’s a long shot, but think of the payout!”

“It’s crap like this that really takes the fun out of sitting around, drinking, and yelling at the television,” said a middle-aged man. “Umm, that came out wrong. It’s more about watching grown men play a game. No, hold on. It’s about blurring the line between out-of-control commercialism and entertainment. Yeah, that’s better.”

Several Bankers Died Last Year Making 2014 The Most Suspicious Banker Death Year To Date

Paris, France – Thirty six prominent European bankers died in 2014, and another has now died in 2015. “It’s almost as if someone is picking off the banker of the world one by one,” said a man. “How long before we’re out of bankers? What? How many? Oh, so at thirty six a year that means we’ll be out of bankers by… hold on, fifteen ...

Robots Take Over Hotel, Give Guests Comfortable Stay

Nagasaki, Japan – A hotel with robot staff and face recognition instead of room keys will open this summer in Huis Ten Bosch in Nagasaki Prefecture. “It’s about time they get rid of people,” said a naked Japanese businessman. “Now I can live unashamed of my odd sexual peccadilloes.” He slapped his belly with a steak, adding, “okay, girls, dip me in mayo whilst imitating ...

Apple Crushes Competition Like Apples For Cider

San Francisco, CA – Apple’s quarterly results smashed Wall Street expectations with record sales of big-screen iPhones in the holiday shopping season and a seventy percent rise in China sales, powering the company to the largest profit in corporate history. “Now you see the power of non-stop entertainment!” screamed a high-ranking Apple employee. “You can’t ...

Stocks Tumble After Realizing December Kinda Sucked

New York, NY – Stocks took a nosedive after data on long-lasting durable goods showed business spending plans fell for a fourth straight month in December. “Oh my God!” exclaimed a trader. “Things were really bad a month ago. That must mean that things are doubly bad now! Oh my God! And we didn’t even ...

China’s Military Within Striking Distance Of Everywhere

Beijing, China – Recent satellite photos of an island off the coast of China confirm Beijing’s buildup of military forces within attack range of Japan’s Senkaku islands. “Technically, everywhere is within striking range of China,” admitted a US Navy Admiral. “But, in this case, they’re really within striking range. I mean, like, really, really.” He ...

IRS Complain Less Personell To Help With Tax Filing, Swim In Money Pool

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service is turning to Twitter and YouTube to reach taxpayers this year in an effort to increase online information about filing taxes as the agency faces an abysmal customer-service rate. “Now we’re going to use the internet to help people?” asked an IRS agent standing in front of a ...

Russian Spies Caught, Sent Back In Time For 1964 Trial Date

New York, NY – A banker and two diplomats were charged with spying for the Russian government in the New York area, using coded messages and secret handoffs to gather intelligence and send it back home. “This is the most egregious act against the State since the Rosenbergs,” said a Congressman. “We must- what? Another ...