Last Telegraph Sent, Alerting Other Telegraph Serviceman To Set Up Voicemail

London, UK – India is the last country with regular telegraph service. And the final message will be sent next month.

“We regret to inform you that Aunt Martha has died,” read nephew Andrew [Pinfield]. “Oh my God, that’s horrible. I didn’t even know she- wait, is there someone behind that desk? Hello? Who’s hiding behind- oh, wow, that’s a lot of people. Why are you wearing hats and holding balloons? The last telegraph? Yeah, I guess we can still celebrate. That’s whata Aunt Martha would have wanted.”

“It’s no wonder why no one uses telegraphs anymore,” bemoaned telegraph operator Chuck Bertowitz. “They were all boring. Send money here, let’s meet here, what about so-in-so? We’ve all evolved past these pointless and short conversations.” After a sigh he added, “I’m being sarcastic. Duh. Follow my Tumblr.”

The US Telegraph Center called the shutdown “a tragic loss”, “we’ll still be open, that is, until our last three hundred union workers retire” and “oh, don’t act so shocked, every industry is getting screwed by these unions. We miss the days when we could retire our workers into the boiler. Good times. Sorry, we got off topic. Do you want to send a telegram? Damn.”

“Wow, really makes you think,” said a college student. After a laugh she added, “I guess it doesn’t. Please leave me alone or I’ll call campus security. Okay, have it your way. Security! Can someone call- yes, this guy. Get him!”

White House Negotiates With Terrorists

Washington DC – The White House announced plans for direct talks with Afghanistan’s Taliban militia, but it cautioned against expecting any quick breakthrough that might speed the end of America’s longest war. “Anyone here reading Game of Thrones?” asked a White House aide to the press corp during an informal luncheon. “No? Come on, you guys look like walking [expletive deleted]s. Right? Sorry, except for ...

The Recession Killed Marriage

Dallas, TX – The marriage rate is at its lowest point in more than a century, and the number of marriages across the USA fell more than five during the recession. “Is that a thing we’re measuring?” asked a member of the skeleton crew at the Census Bureau. “Guys, we all have to be on the- guys?” He looked across a vast horizon of empty ...

New Iranian President Promises New Reform, Crazy

Tehran, Iran – President-elect Rowhani struck a markedly conciliatory tone today, and held out the prospect of improved relations with the United States. “That’s how you do it,” said an aide to the President-elect. “You draw them in and then pounce. That Frey guy really has some great ideas. No, we haven’t read past Ice ...

Robot Cat Takes Surly To New Efficient Heights

Bern, Switzerland- Researchers have created a robot that moves like a housecat and can run faster than all other robots its size. “It’s also as demanding and surly as a house cat,” said a tired scientist. “And it’s impossible to get it to do what we want it to do, or to catch. It’s almost ...

Sure, You Can Vote, Why No? Who Care? Seriously? Is That A Real Question?

Washington DC – The Supreme Court ruled that states cannot on their own require would-be voters to prove they are US citizens before using a federal registration system designed to make signing up easier. “Vote, don’t vote, we don’t care,” wrote a Justice for the majority. “It’s not like your vote counts anyway, are we ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, the only black and white, weekday, satirical news website on the internet. Seriously, we’re the only one so get on board. Did you know how close to death you were this week? There were cyber attacks, Nazis, confusing studies, a new US war, the death of the white man, more crap from North Korea, and a weather satellite almost fell on you. Good thing you stuck to your normal routine, right? Right. Have a safe weekend.

Nazi Stories Put The ‘New’ In News, The ‘Na’ In Nazis

Berlin, Germany – A top commander of a Nazi SS-led unit accused of burning villages filled with women and children lied to American immigration officials to get into the United States and has been living in Minnesota since shortly after World War II. “We tracked this guy down because, quite frankly, we’re not going to ...