Houston, TX – Astronomers announced after a year and a half of a pointing failure threatened to derail its epochal search for worlds beyond our solar system, NASA’s Kepler spacecraft has bagged another planet.
“I don’t know why we’d open with our failure, but we are,” said a scientist. “We really have been screwing up for the past year and a half, but we’re hoping that this one discovery will make it all worth while.” After a long pause he added, “or this is just another screw up.”
“This super Earth is far superior to the other super Earths we’ve found,” said a nerd. “Because it’s bigger, yet closer to it’s sun, so…” He took a hit from his asthma inhaler, adding, “interesting, right? Okay, then can you give me data on what is an appropriate conversation starter, because I’m batting a thousand. That’s good? How is getting a one good?”
The Intergalactic Consortium of Planets called the discovery “an open act of war”, “if these things try to settle Bre’thal we must destroy them” and “the only thing fourth dimensional beings respond to is strength. Savages.”
“So, in conclusion, the thing we paid a ton of money to make is telling us what we want to hear,” said a White House official. “Is that… are we cool? Great.” He checked his phone, adding, “I got a thing. Excuse me.”