AP Reports Obamacare Isn’t Good, Great

Portland, OR – Low-income Oregon residents were supposed to be big winners after the state expanded Medicaid under the federal health care overhaul and created a new system to improve the care they received, but the AP reports differently.

“Yeah, yeah,” said a top AP editor. “I know what you’re going to say, but look, we’re not biased. See? We’re reporting the truth! We report some conservative stuff as well as liberal stuff. What? No, it’s either or. No, it can’t just be the ‘truth,’ that makes no sense.”

“Oh man, we messed up,” said a Congressman. “We should have made the law more expansive, to insulate ourselves from these types of things.” When pressed as to what that meant, he added, “I don’t have to talk to you plebs! Guards! Shoot these interlopers!”

The AP also reported “the IRS might be targeting political groups”, “the Secretary of State might have messed up in Benghazi” and “woah, there are three more pages of stories from the past six years? How did we miss this?”

“So we don’t win,” said a low-income resident. “And the middle class doesn’t win. Does the upper class win? I feel like they would. No?” After some thought he added, “if no one wins, then what’s the point? I can’t believe that the government would just pass a law that is total crap. I just can’t.”

Bishops Arm Themselves To Fight Demons

Mexico City, Mexico – Some forty Catholic bishops from various dioceses in Mexico are attending an “intensive” exorcism seminar this week at the Pontifical University of Mexico. “We’re willing to spend whatever it takes to make sure our guys are trained to handle this horrible problem,” said a Vatican priest. “We have to protect our flock, especially our children. What? Why are you pointing and ...

America More Divided Than Ever

Washington DC – Sixty-seven percent of likely US voters say America is a more divided nation than it was four years ago. “I don’t agree with that,” said an American. “That seems like what the other side would say to make us more divided.” He took a deep breath, then added, “or is it a trick by our hardliners to split the party? I ...

Chicago Wipes Criminal Records Clean Ala The Purge IV: Perjuring

Chicago, IL – Desperate to curb the gun violence wracking their city, Chicago lawmakers are leading the way toward a counterintuitive idea: fighting crime by making it easier for young people to wipe away minor arrest records. “If no one has a record, then the crime never really happened!” exclaimed a local lawmaker. “It’s brilliant! ...

Federal Appeals Court Rules Obamacare Isn’t As Great As People Complain

Washington DC – A federal appeals court has ruled that the federal government may not subsidize health insurance plans for people in thirty six states that decided not to set up their own marketplaces under the law. “I’m sorry,” said a Justice. “But the law is a real big mess. You can fix it, but ...

Brooklyn Bridge Gives Up On New York

New York, NY – The mysterious appearance of two large white flags flying over the Brooklyn Bridge in New York City this morning has the city scrambling to figure out why they were put there. “Is it art?” asked a city official. “Ugh, I knew we should have hired more artists!” He shook his fists ...

Obama Gives Gays Rights!

Washington DC – President Obama gave employment protection to gay and transgender workers in the federal government and its contracting agencies, after being convinced by advocates of what he called the “irrefutable rightness of your cause.” “We’ve done it!” shouted a White House official. “We’ve given rights to that point zero, zero, zero, zero percent ...

Little Monkeys Terrorize India’s Capital, After Filing Appropriate Paperwork

New Delhi, India – The outlying villages of the Indian capital are overrun with aggressive rhesus monkeys, who steal food, alcohol, glasses, medical equipment, and clothes. “We’re not sure what to do,” said a UN official. “We’d like to help, but we’re all very busy laughing.” He then returned to earnest laughter, which lasted until ...