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Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the daily freakout that is the news and freak out on their freakout. Freaked out? Good! This week you were almost killed by volcanoes, woolly mammoths, retirement, gas grills, computers, stock markets, rainbows,…

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Breaking News

Business

Take Note/Pete

Not Paying Debts Has Driven Greece Into Debt

Athens, Greece – Greece’s financial woes have been laid bare as official figures showed the country has fallen further into the red following the election of its Leftist government. “Who would have thought ignoring a problem wouldn’t just solve it?”…



Crime

Error/Marty

Man Shoots Computer, Triggers Machine War

Denver, CO – A Colorado man who has been “fighting with his computer for the last several months” unloaded a volley of shots into his Dell tormentor, resulting in the death of the computer and him being cited for discharging…

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Entertainment

Jones/Victorgrigas

Manager Rant Leaves Reporters In Tears, Fears

Cincinnati, OH – As the Cincinnati Reds deal with some issues early on in the 2015 season, manager Bryan Price’s frustration reached a tipping point before yesterday’s game as he went on a expletive-laced rant against reporters. “We’re offended and…

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Colored Pencils

The Media Will Kill Your Children

Atlanta, GA – A survey of today’s stories include: a mother who dropped her two-year-old son into a cheetah exhibit at a Cleveland zoo, a two-year-old child was killed by a car in Milwaukee, and eight hundred thousand children who…

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Jeopardy Failure Leads To Apocalypse

Los Angeles, CA – In last night’s airing of perennial game show Jeopardy, only one contestant advanced to the Final Jeopardy round. “We’re trying not to put to fine of a point on it, but this is the final sign,”…


Health

Massive Lines/Acid Pix

My Friend Flakka

Atlanta, GA – Experts say Flakka, a new designer drug luring some young Americans, is even more potent and more addictive than its synthetic predecessors, which long skirted the law. “I’d say we have to do something,” said a White…

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Petri Dish/National Cancer Institute

Bird Flu Finally Available In US

Chicago, IL – The US Department of Agriculture confirmed the first case of a lethal strain of bird flu in a commercial chicken flock, widening the impact of a virus that has already killed hundreds of thousands of turkeys this…

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The Concern/Proimos

Twenty Percent Of America Hot, Cranky, Menopausal

Washington DC – Census data shows by 2020 there will be nearly sixty million peri- and post-menopausal women living in the United States. “Think about it,” said a statistician. “That’s almost twenty percent of America complaining that it’s too hot,…



Legal

Stocks/Poike

Trading Stocks Crashed Stock Market

London, UK – According to unsealed court documents, a high-frequency futures trader has been charged with illegally manipulating the stock market, contributing to the May 2010 “flash crash.” “You can’t click faster than this,” said a stock market expert in…

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Final Exam/dcjohn

Cheaters Score High On Tests, Go To Jail

Atlanta, GA – Three former Atlanta public school educators convicted in a massive cheating scandal have been sentenced to seven years in prison. “Technically, the students cheated,” said a teacher. “The teachers were simply helping them because they were too…

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Utah Firing Squad

Utah To Shoot Everyone

Provo, UT – Utah’s governor signed a bill that brings back firing squads as a potential way to execute some death row prisoners. “We feel this is the best way to murder a person,” said a state official. “It’s efficient,…


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Freedom Of Speech Really Doesn’t Exist Outside The US

UAE – A Florida man arrested in the United Arab Emirates for comments he posted on Facebook, said he’s sorry for his remarks. “To be fair, we arrested him because he was from Florida,” said a UAE diplomat. “I mean,…


Military

USS Truman/O'Connor

US To Fight Unknown Peoples For Unknown Reasons

International Waters – US Navy officials say the aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt is steaming toward the waters off Yemen and will join other American ships prepared to intercept any Iranian vessels carrying weapons to the Houthi rebels fighting in…

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Recreation_of_Martin_Luther_King's_Cell_in_Birmingham_Jail_-_National_Civil_Rights_Museum_-_Downtown_Memphis_-_Tennessee_-_USA

CIA Couldn’t Get Terrorists To Talk, Chit-Chat, Shoot Breeze

Washington DC – The Senate report on the CIA’s post-September Eleven brutal interrogations shows how a rigorous examination of a secret agency can expose misconduct, incompetence and bureaucratic spin, even for doubters of the investigation’s assertion that torture did not…


Romanian_4K51_Rubezh_missile_launch

Iran Practices Kicking America’s Ass

Tehran, Iran – Iran’s Revolutionary Guard launches a large-scale naval and air defence drill near a strategic Gulf waterway, during which a replica of a US aircraft carrier is used as a target. “It’s important to practice before the real…


Money

Piggy Bank/Zhuyifei1999

You’re Not Saving Enough, Stupid

New York, NY – Study after study shows that Americans are not saving for retirement like they should, and a new survey finds that nearly one third of people who have some sort of savings plan have amassed less than…

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Dangerous Path/AndreasS

Study Confirms: Being Poor Sucks

New York, NY – A new study finds children raised in poor households have clear differences in the physical structures of their brains compared to wealthier children. “Now you understand why we’re trying to take as much wealth from the…

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Politics

Ex Iron Curtain/High Contrast

White House Slightly More Secure

Washington DC – Officials are planning to top the bars of the White House fence with spikes in order to discourage jumpers. “By 2054 the White House will be secure,” announced a proud White House insider. “Then we’ll look into…

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Jackson/David

President Emboldened By Republican Protest Whispers

Washington DC – The Obama administration’s plan for UN climate change talks encountered swift opposition after its release yesterday, with Republican leaders warning other countries to “proceed with caution” in negotiations with Washington because any deal could be later undone….


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Public Records Secret, Secret Records Secret

Washington DC – The inspector general reported that in 2011, when Clinton was secretary of state, department employees wrote more than one billion emails but only marked sixty two thousand for the public record. “You only need to see sixty…


Religion

Tomb of Jesus/Matisons

Classic Jesus News Headline Resurrected

Tel Aviv, Israel – A long-running archaeological controversy has been resurrected, thanks to a newly revealed analysis of scrapings from a first-century tomb in East Jerusalem and a bone box attributed to “James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus.” “It’s…

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Catedral Santiago/De Riquer

Rebel Alliance Fights Pope

Santa Cruz, Brazil – In a secluded monastery in south-eastern Brazil, a breakaway group of ultra-conservative Catholics gathered to participate in an act of rebellion against the pope. “We don’t care how hip you think he is!” screamed a Brazilian…

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Saint_Peter's_Basilica

Pope Really Wants To Steal Your Assets, 401k, Soul

Vatican, The Vatican – Pope Francis has once again spoken out about the global economic climate, decrying an economic system that “seems fatally destined to suffocate hope and increase risks and threats.” “You shouldn’t make fun of the Pope,” said…


Facepalm_(7839341408)

Pope Cool With Child Abuse

Vatican, The Vatican – Pope Francis says it is acceptable for parents to smack their children to punish bad behavior. “But this Pope is so cool!” exclaimed a mother. “I mean, I have to love him because everyone loves him,…


Science

Mammut/FunkMonk

Mammoth To World: I’m Back, Bitches!

Seoul, South Korea – Russian and South Korean researchers are trying to recover genetic material from a frozen woolly mammoth carcass and repopulate a “Pleistocene Park” with cloned herds of the currently extinct species. “What could possibly go wrong?” asked…

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Stream/Eleassar

Once Again, There Is Water On Mars

Space – According to new measurements by NASA’s Curiosity rover, Mars has liquid water just below its surface. “We believe that… okay, is everyone seated?” asked a NASA official. “Because we don’t want all of you to faint at the…

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Study/Milošević

New Study Notable For Barely Qualifying As Study

Washington DC – A new study finds the black immigrant population is expected to grow. “We found, after decades of research, that black immigrants will increase over the next few decades and there will be more black Americans than any…



Technology

B-52/Horstman

EU Fights Google, Is Wiped Off The Map

London, UK – The European Commission’s main complaint with Google involves the way it favors its own search results above competitors’ and asserts the most relevant links are not always listed first on Google. “For example,” said a EU lawyer….

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Wedding Rings/Belmonte

You’ve Got Mail, Divorce!

New York, NY – Facebook may soon need to add “just got served divorce papers” to its list of relationship statuses now that a New York judge has said the social media site is an acceptable way for a Brooklyn…



Travel

TSA/Unknown

TSA Takes Travelers Lunch Money, Dignity

New York, NY – According to the Transportation Security Administration’s 2014 fiscal year report, airline passengers left behind nearly six hundred seventy five thousand dollars in loose change last year. “Look, our job is to work until our debt to…


NYC Subway/Moreira

Subway Back To Normal, Or Is It?

New York, NY – Service has resumed on the number 7 subway line following a suspension due to a mechanical problem that filled a tunnel with smoke stranding fifteen hundred people underground. “That was literally a close call,” said a…


US

Toy Guns/Shlabotnik

Everyone Must Have A Gun

Washington DC – The American firearms industry is as healthy as ever, seeing an unprecedented surge that has sent production of guns soaring almost eleven million manufactured in 2013 alone which is double the total of just three years earlier….



World

Pablo Spencer/AFP - Getty Images

Volcano Criticized For Doing Its Job, Erupting

Santiago, Chile – Chile’s National Geology and Mining Service the Calbuco volcano erupted twice in twenty four hours. “We expect all life on Earth to end by the year three billion, seven hundred million,” said a scientist. “Of course, this…

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DN-SC-92-03633

China Toys With US Before Nuclear Obliteration

The commander of the US Northern Command announced the Chinese Navy has deployed three ballistic missile submarines at sea capable of striking the United States with nuclear missiles. “We’re not scared, per se,” said a US General. “We’re simply afraid…


Salem Nuclear Plant/Peretzp

Iran Finally Gets Nukes From US

Lausanne, Switzerland – The EU foreign policy chief announced the basis for an agreement for a peaceful Iranian nuclear program and a lifting of sanctions against that nation has been reached. “Really?” asked an astonished Iranian diplomat. “I mean, I…