Fracking Safe, Reluctantly Reports AP

Pittsburgh, PA – The final report from a landmark federal study on hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, found no evidence that chemicals or brine water from the gas drilling process moved upward to contaminate drinking water at a site in western Pennsylvania.

“That’s not to say it’s safe,” said a reporter. “Just that we didn’t find anything in this massive study. It’s still bad, because, you know, someone said it was.” He checked his notes, adding, “the guys who did that documentary with the fire thing. So… come on, people, you have to hope harder and believe! Hope!”

“If that’s true then I wasted a lot of my life in pointless protest,” said a woman. “All the hours arguing with friends, posting articles on Facebook, crowbarring my recycled opinion and ruining dinner parties and casual get-togethers.” She began to sob, adding, “I’ve lost the moral high ground. This is horrible!”

The report went on to claim “you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot for forming opinions before any large studies could be conducted”, “go back and read the article that found the vaccine/autism link was faked and has absolutely no correlation” and “again, you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure my news source will spin this to make me feel better about myself, no matter where I stand on the issue,” said a man. “That’s what the news is supposed to do: make me feel special.” He skipped away, singing ‘Ring Around The Rosie.’

Planes With Lasers Will Fix All Problems

Space – The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on an Aero-adaptive Aero-optic Beam Control, which is designed to allow high-energy lasers to fire on enemy aircraft and missiles from a full three hundred sixty degrees. “The best thing we can do right now is develop even more horrific tools of war,” said a tech as he adjusted the laser. “This thing will burn ...

Prez Orders Troops To Attack Ebola

Washington DC – President Barack Obama will announce a major military-led surge in US aid to fight the “unparallelled” Ebola epidemic in West Africa later today, sending three thousand troops to the area. “Our plan is to degrade and destroy ebola,” said a White House insider. “We will use drones for target strikes, ground troops to retake ground, and train the civilian army to continue ...

British Empire To Crumble In Three Days

London, UK – Britain is under seventy two hours away from a once-in-a-lifetime vote on Scottish independence that could break up the three-hundred-plusyear-old United Kingdom, splitting apart one of America‚Äôs key global allies. “No,” said an English man. “I am outraged at this development.” After taking a dainty sip of his tea, he added, “They ...

South Korea’s Killer Robots Stop North Korean Peasant Crossers

Seoul, South Korea – A Samsung Group subsidiary has worked on a robot sentry that they call the SGR-A1, and this particular robot will carry a fair amount of weapons that ought to make you think twice about crossing the borders of South Korea illegally. “The best way to end hostilities with our neighbor to ...

CDC Asks Hospitals To Brace For Ebola Outbreak

Atlanta, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, warning hospitals and doctors that “now is the time to prepare,” has issued a six-page Ebola “checklist” to help healthcare workers quickly determine if patients are infected. “Why should we prepare now?” asked a doctor. “It’s not like people can just sneak into this country ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the ridiculous panic infused in every news story and blow it out of proportion to show you the ridiculousness of it. Ridiculous? We think not. This week you were assailed by stinky cabbies, chocolate, breadsticks, robots, drones, aggressive political speeches, devil worshippers and New Jersey. Who knows how many millions of lives they collectively took. Who knows. Have a safe weekend!

Cab Drivers Might Not Stink, But Still Stink

San Diego, CA – Body odor is among fifty two criteria that officials at San Diego International Airport use to judge taxi drivers, but drivers say that smacks of prejudice and discrimination. “Where I’m from, this odor is pleasant, no?” asked a particularly ripe cab driver. “You see, in Russia, everyone smokes, everything is art, ...