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Business

Steel Furnace/Palmer

Chinese Zombies Finally Tariffed

Beijing, China – The US government has imposed massive tariffs on Chinese steelmakers in a bid to halt what American rivals have labeled as large-scale dumping by their Asian competitors. “They might have created zombies made of steel, but we…

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Chicken/Pixabay

Chicken Factory Is Hellish For Everyone

Toledo, KS – A new report claims poultry workers are routinely denied basic needs such as bathroom breaks to the point of being forced to wear diapers while on the line. “We’ve done nothing wrong,” said an executive. “Those people…

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Uber Dashboard/O'Neil

Uber/Lyft Drivers Flee Under Slightest Scrutiny

Austin, TX – On-demand ride companies Uber and Lyft suffered an embarrassing defeat in an election in the weird city of Texas, as voters backed a measure requiring fingerprint background checks for drivers. “The only reason I took this job…


Drugs/Easton

Pharmaceutical Company Admits Selling Life-Saving Drugs For Money

Washington DC – According to testimony provided ahead of a hearing, the outgoing CEO of embattled drugmaker Valeant Pharmaceuticals will tell lawmakers that he was “too aggressive” and made mistakes in drastically hiking prices for several critical medicines. “Yes,” sobbed…


Crime

Russian Olympic Meeting/kremlin.ru

Doping Dopes Dupe Olympic Dopes

Lausanne, Switzerland – According to the International Olympic Committee a total of thirty one athletes in six sports tested positive in reanalysis of their doping samples from the 2008 Beijing Summer Games. “The real winners were the dope sellers,” admitted…

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Talc from Mine/Pixabay

Talc Will Give You Cancer

Washington DC – Johnson & Johnson was ordered by a US jury to pay fifty five million dollars to a woman who said that using the company’s talc-powder products for feminine hygiene caused her to develop ovarian cancer. “They knew…


Anonymous Drinker/Goehring

TSA WhistleBlown

Washington DC – Employees of the TSA claim poor leadership and a culture of retaliation are making it harder for the Administration to address security gaps. “You wouldn’t believe how horrible they are!” exclaimed an employee. “They hired me! No,…


Entertainment

Olympics/Fair

Olympians About To Get Freaky, Compete

Rio De Janeiro, Brazil – The International Olympic Committee says almost half a million condoms will be distributed during the Rio de Janeiro Olympics, three times more than for the London Games four years ago. “We’re here in Rio-adjacent with…

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Olympic Cauldron/Rawlinson

Olympic Flame Lit, Sold

Athens, Greece – The countdown to the Rio 2016 Games formally began this morning with the ceremonial lighting of the Olympic torch in southern Greece. “Let us start the- hold on, I’m being handed a bulletin. China wins!” yelled an…

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Health

Eye Fillet/Alpha

Eat This, America!

Washington DC – The latest dietary guidelines the US government issues every five years included advice to lower consumption of red and processed meats, for the environment as well as for your health. “It’s for the environment first,” said a…

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Legal

Icons/Pixabay

EU Approves The Internet

London, UK – An adviser to Europe’s top court claims a link to a website which publishes photos without authorisation of the author does not in itself constitute a copyright infringement. “It’s taken twenty years, but hotlinking isn’t illegal,” said…

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Supreme Court/Roeder

President Does His Job

Washington DC – President Obama shocked the nation when he asked that DC circuit judge Garland be considered to serve on the Supreme Court. “How dare he!” yelled a Republican. “That’s not the President’s job! He’s supposed to make laws…

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Paper/Vernizzi

ISIS HR Failed, Beheaded

Washington DC – Thousands of documents apparently leaked from inside ISIS paint a detailed picture of the terror group’s personnel, including a twenty-year-old from Minneapolis with just a high-school education. “Well, the Minneapolis thing makes sense,” said a White House…


Rammstein/KinkESizemore

Liking Illegal In Germany

Frankfurt, Germany – A Dusseldorf regional court ruled Facebook’s “Like” button violates German and European privacy laws in a case brought by a consumer group against an online shopping site which relied on the user recommendation feature. “It’s illegal to…


Military

Nato/Cullen

Russia Threatened By US Defense

Moscow, Russia – Mother Russia is being forced to look for ways to neutralize threats to its national security due to deployment of the NATO anti-missile shield in Europe, Russian President said after the alliance launched a missile defense site…

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Mark 45/Garza Jr

Safe Guns Will Make America Safe, White House Promises

Washington DC – The White House hopes it can finally launch smart gun technology with childproof weaponry aimed at stopping accidental shootings and increasing gun safety. “It’s time we solidify our legacy as peace builders,” said a White House official….


Money

Bitcoin/BTC Keychain

Bitcoin Maker Revealed Just In Time For BitCon

Sydney, Australia – The inventor of the digital currency bitcoin has finally been revealed, according to an interview with several media outlets and a blog post written by the man himself. “So it was him!” yelled a user. “I knew…

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Treasure/Pixabay

Roman Coin Heist Completed After Seventeen Centuries

Madrid, Spain – More than thirteen hundred pounds of bronze Roman coins dating to the third century A.D. have been unearthed by construction workers digging a trench. “These have to be worth… wait a minute, we converted to Euros! These…

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Twenty Dollar Bill/redjar

Money To Change, Change Hands, Hand Change

Washington DC – The Treasury Secretary will announce plans to both keep Alexander Hamilton on the front of the ten dollar bill and to knock Andrew Jackson off the front of the twenty dollar bill in favor of Harriet Tubman….


Income Tax/Besnette

Half Of Americans Stiff America

Washington DC – According to data for the 2015 tax year from the Tax Policy Center, an estimated forty five percent of American households, or seventy five million patriots, will pay no federal individual income tax. “Damn poor!” yelled an…


Politics

Border/mtsrs

All Of America Will Leave America After Election

Washington DC – According to a new poll, more than one-quarter of Americans would consider moving to another country such as Canada if businessman Donald Trump wins the presidency. “You can’t leave!” yelled a panicked IRS agent. “We need your…

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King Fahd Road/Ammar shaker

CIA Claims Saudi Arabia Had Nothing To Do With 9/11

Washington DC – CIA Director Brennan said that releasing the almost thirty classified pages from the 9/11 Commission report would be a mistake because they contain inaccurate, un-vetted information that could be used to tie Saudi Arabia to the 9/11…


EU/www.GlynLowe.com

EU Takes On Google, Instantly Wiped From Internet

Brussels, Belgium – The European Union antitrust chief, who has already charged Google with favoring its own shopping service in internet searches, said on that she was now examining its deals with phone makers and operators. “Oh, sure, pick on…


Religion

Supreme Court/Fischer

Supreme Court Delivers Nothing

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court ducked a ruling on the highly contentious issue of contraceptive coverage for religiously affiliated non-profits, while endorsing the outlines of a potential compromise. “Ha, ha!” wrote one Justice. “We totally pwnd you noobs!”…

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South Horizons/Wing1990hk

App Allows Church To Finally Accept Young People

Los Angeles, CA – A new app allows hip worshippers to donate directly to a church, or set up automatic recurring payments. “It’s like eBay, but with your soul,” said a priest. “It’s like Tinder, but with your morals. It’s…


Science

Hyperbaric Chamber/Heilman

NASA Puts People To Sleep, But Not Forever

Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA is planning to plough up to a half of a million American dollars into a scheme to develop a hibernation chamber which will put humans to sleep for up to fourteen days. “If we can…

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Planet Formation/NASA

Mercury Gives Up Its Secrets, Keeps Its Mystique

Space – Mercury’s rare passage across the face of the sun today may provide information about its thin atmosphere, assist in the hunt for worlds around other stars, and help NASA hone some of its instruments. “Now we can finally…


Earth/NASA

We Don’t Know So Much

Ottawa, Canada – A new study suggests that Earth may be holding nearly one trillion species of organisms, but only one-thousandth of one percent of those organisms is identified, which means that ninety nine point ninety nine percent of all…


Technology

Shepherd/Darwinek

Robots “Shepherd” In A New Era Of Control

Sydney, Australia – Autonomous robots are already being used to inspect crops, count yields and dig up weeds, and now they are shepherds too. “Why not just let the robots do everything?” asked a shepherd. “I mean, let’s face it,…

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Post/ProjectManhattan

More Fears Of Hacking Surface After Snooping Discovered

Washington DC – The nation’s intelligence chief said the United States sees evidence that hackers, possibly working for foreign governments, are snooping on the presidential candidates. “To be clear, they’re not really doing anything but snooping,” said a high-ranking US…



Travel

Tampa International/Coates

TSA Loses A Few Thousand Bags

Phoenix, AZ – Officials with Transportation Security Administration said more than three thousand checked bags missed their outbound flights in Phoenix yesterday because of a problem with a screening system at Sky Harbor International Airport. “Really? That’s nothing,” said an…

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Tablet Briefcase/Molivolo

TSA Might Not Be Efficient

New York, NY – Airports in New York and New Jersey are joining a growing chorus of complaints about the long wait times at airport security, saying TSA staffing isn’t keeping up with increased passenger traffic. “We’re doing the best…

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787/Montes

FAA Asks People Don’t Fly Until Planes Are ‘Really’ Safe

Atlanta, GA – Describing it as an “urgent safety issue,” the Federal Aviation Administration has ordered modifications on specific General Electric engines on some 787 Dreamliners because an icing problem could force those engines to shut down in flight. “We…


Uber/Torrenegra

Uber Spills Beans, Losens Lips, Sings Canary Style

San Francisco, CA – Uber released its first ever transparency report detailing the information requested by not only US law enforcement agencies, but also by regulators. “They have guns,” said a company spokesman. “So, no, we’re not going to tell…


US

Downtown San Antonio/King of Hearts

US Cities Grow At A Non-Alarming Rate

Washington DC – According to new US Census Bureau data released today, all but one of the nation’s twenty largest cities saw their population grow last year, with metropolises like Austin, Denver and Houston among those seeing the most significant…

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Volcano/Rucker

Mt. St. Helens About To Rip, R.I.P

Medford, OR – Over the last eight weeks, there have been over one hundred thirty earthquakes formally located by the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network and many more earthquakes too small to be located. “So many quakes,” said a seismologist. “I…


World

Coding/Matthew

Iraq Full Of Cheaters

Baghdad, Iraq – Cheating has gotten so out of hand in Iraq that officials are blocking the Internet nationwide to prevent students from accessing leaked exam answers via Facebook. “Okay, so we’ll just Skype with NATO and confirm they’ll help…

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Brazil Senate/Agência Brasi

Brazil Sick Of Brazilian Style Politics

Brasília, Brazil – Brazilian President Rousseff bowed out defiantly today, suspended from office after the Senate voted to put her on trial for breaking budget laws in a historic decision brought on by a deep recession and a corruption scandal….

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Brazil Soccer/Agência Brasil

Olympic Tourists To Be Killed By Violence

Brasília, Brazil – Local soccer great Rivaldo is telling tourists to stay away from the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro because of the danger of endemic violence. “That’s a lie,” said an Olympic Committee member. “We picked Rio because it…