Comet Smell Will Suffocate Us All

Space – The Rosetta comet orbiter has spent the last couple months sniffing the scent of the Churyumov-Gerasimenko comet, and has just reported the results: it stinks.

“Don’t worry, the smell will fall harmlessly to Earth and burn up in our atmosphere,” said a NASA engineer. “If you smell rotten eggs its because you’re having a stroke from the billions of tons of toxic chemicals we burned during the shuttle program and not because of the deadly comet. What? What did I say? Oh. Sorry, nothing to worry about.”

“We just released a new fragrance called Churyumov–Gerasimenko,” said fragrance designer and free spirit R. Sabrina Coles-Martin. “It’s just like being on a comet!” After a long coughing fit she wiped the blood from her eyes, adding, “excuse me, I have to greet more guests before I lose another pint of blood.”

NASA also noted “the moon smells like blue cheese”, “the sun smells like burning flesh” and “NASA headquarters smells like regret and failure. Please! Please give us more money to do stuff. We promise we won’t build a space base and then leave it! We’ll play with our toys, you’ll see! Please!”

“Why do we have to know this?” asked a child. “Sure, science is full of oddities, but is it essential to furthering our understanding of how the universe works? Yes, I want more information on reading from the lander. Now that’s interesting stuff. Also, I’m an adult, I just like to wear hats. That doesn’t make me a child. No, I don’t want a lolly- well, okay, that’ll be nice. Thanks, buddy.”

It Rained Because Of You

Hartford, CT – Heavy rain caused localized floods that shuttered schools in parts of Massachusetts today, part of a Nor’easter that also left tens of thousands from New Jersey to New England without power. “This has never happened before, so it must be because of me,” said a man as he drove his car through the driving rain. “Wait, I think I remember… no. We’ve ...

War Games Not As Fun As Real Games Or War

Paris, France – Large-scale NATO war games underway in Europe this week include the deployment of B-52 nuclear-capable bombers, as non-NATO member Sweden hunts for a Russian mini-submarine in its territorial waters. “You think your military exercises scare us?” asked a Russian general. “If you didn’t even flinch when we took Ukraine, what makes you think fake war is going to scare us away?” After ...

Six Thousand Year Old Temple Found, Given Tax Exempt Status

Kiev, Ukraine – A six thousand-year-old temple holding humanlike figurines and sacrificed animal remains has been discovered within a massive prehistoric settlement in Ukraine. “We have to respect their religion,” said a man at the State Department. “That means no making fun of them and no- oh, [expletive deleted], I gotta go!” He ran off, ...

Study Finds All Safe Drugs Not Safe, Not Safe Drugs Not Safe

Atlanta, GA – A study found dietary supplements containing potentially dangerous prescription drug ingredients may still be for sale even years after safety recalls. “Don’t get mad at us,” said a researcher. “It’s our job to go though perfectly normal things and find something wrong with them. Technically, those drugs shouldn’t have one part per ...

US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise. “Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” ...

North Korea Releases An American For No Reason

Washington DC – The State Department announced one of three Americans being held in North Korea has been released. “And, as the old Lynyrd Skynyrd song goes, one out of three ain’t bad,” said a high-ranking State Department official. “What? Two out of three? Damn it, you know how much fissionable material we had to ...

Vegetarians Are To Bearing Children As Sasquatch Is To Photography

Loma Linda, CA – Vegetarians and vegans may be harming their chance of having children after a study found that men who do not eat meat have significantly reduced sperm counts. “And that’s our finding,” said a member of the American Meat Society. “Hey, you can’t argue with science. Oh, so now vaccines don’t cause ...