Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where we take the fear baked in every news story, extract it, grow it in a culture, and release it into the unguarded water-system that is the internet.

How did you survive the week? You don’t remember being attacked by Ebola, ADHD, waves, ISIS, pot, tobacco, solar power, Iran, Congress, drones, Jordanian soldiers, Nazis, Thailand, and commerce terrorists? No, you were. No, seriously, you were. No- ah, forget it.

Have a safe weekend!

Report Claims US Was Unprepared For Ebola

Washington DC – A presidential commission reports the US fumbled its response to the Ebola epidemic before it even began, neglecting experiments to make vaccines and drugs against the virus, and cutting funding to key public health agencies. “Remember the outbreak a few months ago?” asked a commission guy. “Well, we really weren’t prepared for it. Also, I’m a commissioner, not a commission guy. Yes, ...

ADHD Will Kill- Hey! Dogs!

Atlanta, GA – Researchers report people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are twice as likely to die earlier than those without the condition, and the causes tend to include freak accidents and car crashes. “Most folks with the disease have freak accidents,” reported a researcher. “Mostly because they forget they’re using a chainsaw or what stage of meth development they’re in.” He chuckled, adding, “it’s ...

Slurpee Ocean Waves Takes Nothing Like Slurpee’s ‘Blue’ Flavor

Boston, MA – The Atlantic Ocean was so frozen that waves that looked like Slurpees crashed on the beaches of Nantucket. “This is a cease and desist,” said a lawyer from a popular slushy drink manufacturer to the ocean. “If you continue to make Slurpee waves it will not only damage our reputation, but destroy ...

Three ISIS Terrorists Arrested, Hundreds Remain In US

New York, NY – Three men from Brooklyn, New York, were arrested yesterday and accused of plotting to wage jihad for ISIS. “No, no, no,” said an attorney. “They were being ironic. Don’t you get it? The hipster beards? The over-the-top resentment of authority? They’re commenting on the Millennials’ spoiled brat mentality and, at the ...

Pot Better For You Than Non-Pot

Anchorage, AK – Scientists assert recreational pot, which was legalized in Washington, DC and Alaska this week, is less dangerous than both alcohol and tobacco. “This is our scientific proof,” said a young man in a white lab coat. After several attacks of the giggles, he added, “oh man, like, science is totally discovering, you ...

Tobacco Companies Finally Settle Lawsuits Once And For All

Houston, TX – Three major US tobacco companies will pay one hundred million dollars to settle hundreds of federal lawsuits over smoking. “There,” said a tobacco lawyer. “Now we’ll never get in trouble again for selling what is literally cancer.” He smiled, adding, “now, kids, let’s talk about how cool it is to smoke. What ...

Solar Power Fails Us All

London, UK – Power supplies could drop suddenly next month when the UK is plunged into darkness with an eclipse of the sun. “Citizens!” yelled an English representative. “Prepare for the worst. There will be rioting. There will be mass killings. There will be no cell phone service. Really? That’s what get’s the biggest gasp?” ...