Welcome to Calamity News, your patriotic source of malcontent and sardonic daily news.

Across the world people are killed for speaking out against their government, starving because their leaders control their food and wealth, dying at the hands of mobs because their skin or religion is different. America might not be perfect, hell, it might not even be acceptable, but we have the power to change it. Or at least call our current elected officials [expletive deleted]s.

Have a safe 4^th.

Newark, NJ - An Associated Press review of tower logs and summaries from eight of the nation’s busiest airports, obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, found more than fifteen ‘go-arounds’ during the last six months of 2007 alone.

“Go-arounds?” asked an incredulous carney. “What the [expletive deleted] is a [expletive deleted]ing go-around? It’s a plane thing? Oh, I thought you meant a [expletive deleted]ing merry-go-round. [Expletive deleted] you scared me. It’s ok, kids, stop crying and get on the ride.”

“Usually we don’t listen to the control tower,” said commercial airline pilot Donald Herwitz. “Oh, blah blah blah flight something is on the same runway and you’re going to blah blah blah. Whatever, you stupid voice. Dangerous Don flies where he wants, get it? Waitress, one more round for me and my new friend here.”

The AP called it “a great way to stir the pot on one of the busiest travel days of the year”, “who knows how long this non-accident causing procedure would continue?” and “don’t forget, we say when and where you die. Kneel before us!”

“So cars are safer than planes?” asked a woman driving her car. “Looks like Uncle Sam can bite me, I was right! Ummm. Sorry, I’m still kinda drunk. Hey, what’s that thumping sound coming from the trunk?”

Houston, TX - Police say the amount of attempts to steal ATMs is spiking in astonishing numbers this year.

“We don’t know why people are resorting to crime,” said Police Chief Isaac Diercks as he stood next to an ATM. “Sure the economy’s down, joblessness is up, no one owns a home, gas prices are through the roof, most vegetables are killing us, schools are churning out more and more mindless robots but… ummm, boys, help me load this ATM into my car.”

“Now to crack this thing open,” said a triumphant robber as he stood over a stolen ATM. “Hmm, anyone have a flat-head screwdriver? Guys? Number two flathead? No one? No, I’m not going out and stealing one, [fellow accomplice] Tony. I’m just not, ok?”

The FBI adds “we just report the statistics, we don’t go out and arrest people for the crimes. That’s just silly”, “it’s shocking that criminals go after ATMs when holding up a check chasing store is much easier” and “in some states its a misdemeanor. Go figure, Connecticut is a stupid state after-all.”

“As our country falls apart, crime will be a way of life,” said gun store clerk Ardyth Urbach. “Then the real criminals will be the ones looking for an honest days work! Everything will be backwards! Dogs will walk people, banks will invest in mobs and women will find me attractive! God willing.”

Lubbock, TX - Researchers say eating a slice of watermelon causes similar effects as popping a Viagra. A compound found in the melon, called citrulline, that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the body’s blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra.

“Now let’s not get hasty,” said a Viagra representative. “We haven’t spent hundreds of millions on spam ads, sign holders and propping up shady strip-mall pill stores to have mother nature come and steal our thunder. Boy, this is emasculating. Ugh, just when I’m getting my confidence back this happens! Ok, I’m just going to go to the grocery store real quick before stopping home.”

“So that’s why we have a better turn out at our hedonistic picnics than out our hedonistic winter ball,” said hedonistic event planner Janet Mallory. “Who would have thought! Ok fellas, get off of me, I have work to do!”

The Watermelon Commission called the announcement “the best news since the seedless revolution of ‘91″, “that’s why we have all those March 4th babies” and “we would have figured it out eventually. Hell, we only meet once a year. Ummm, please don’t shut us down.”

“I wonder what else we don’t know about plants,” said a man wearing a mask as he ground up castor beans. “Maybe we’ll find out that plants hold the power to kill millions with a single tablespoon in the water supply? Or plants can get me ten million dollars by midnight. You have twelve hours to comply!” After hanging up his cell he added, “if you’re going to hang out in here, I suggest wearing a mask.”

Washington DC - Some insurance companies are boosting premiums based on assumptions that rising sea temperatures due to global warming will cause more hurricanes to hit US coastlines.

“We don’t know if global warming is science fiction or science fact,” said one insurance adjuster from his Bentley. “But I can tell you this: we’re gonna make billions on it! Suckers!” After stalling out his car he added, “ummm. I just learned to drive stick. Hold on. Hold on! Oh, I have to be in gear. Hold on!” After starting his car he shouted, “suckers!” but stalled out again.

“Why do we get penalized cause every year a hurricane wipes out our house and every year we keep rebuilding in the same spot?” asked a confused South Carolinian. “Back in my day we called that perseverance! Course, back in my day most of us died in hurricanes. Oh, point taken.”

Insurance Companies are also offering insurance for “Rockband related deaths”, “lead poisoning from an overseas product” and “being screwed from insurance companies. Hey, we eat our own dead. Don’t judge us!”

“Floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, winds, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions just don’t happen,” said one believer. “It’s either due to aliens, a vengeful God, Satan, God and Satan fighting for the souls of man or global warming. You ask me, no matter who wins, we all lose. Hey, that sounds like a great movie.”

Forks of Salmon, CA - There are no utilities or public transportation in unincorporated towns across America, and high gas or diesel prices for generators that power homes and offices threaten to shut down such shanty towns.

“Our whole town runs on gas,” said one rural Mayor. “Our trucks run on gas, our town well filters water with gas, our children drink gas, our arsonists burn stuff with gas. Without gas, we’re nothing! Shucks, how we gonna drink sunlight or burn down a whore house with hydroelectric power? It make no sense!”

“Now we used to be called squatters,” said one ol’ timey squatter as he squatted in the shade of an ol’ timey elm tree. “Nowadays folks say we’re unincorporated towns. Means less kids throwing rocks at us and more government subsidies. That is until the tornadoes come.” After scanning the sky he added, “they always seem to find us.”

The Sheik of Gas called the town Forks of Salmon “first on our list of nuclear targets”, “well, maybe if you weren’t so shady about your town status, we wouldn’t consider you a threat to our national security” and “[expletive deleted] you, Forks of Salmon, [expletive deleted] you! This isn’t over, you hear me? This isn’t over!”

“Lots of bad things are going to happen when we can’t afford gas,” said a man with a very big gun. “So I’m prepared. No, not the gun. I have liquidated most of my assets and have a long-term survival plan for me and my family. Yes, and I have a very big gun, which helps.”

Seoul, South Korea - Tens of thousands of auto workers in South Korea went on strike today to oppose the government’s lifting of a ban on US beef imports.

“Wow, I didn’t know they even had a ban on our beef,” said a White House spokesman. “Hold the phone, South Korea? I didn’t even know they had a southern part of Korea. It’s where? Wait a second, Asia? There’s a continent of Asia now? Fired? Wow, I didn’t know I worked here. Where’s my desk so I can clean it out?”

“We need the US beef for the chemicals, most of which are banned in our country,” said a Southern Korean. “They make us aggressive and hairy! Plus, if we don’t eat it we sweat and shake. God bless America! Now give me some beef! NOW!”

The Federation of Stressing Words noted “it seems as if South Korea is acting a little like North Korea”, “can they be any more democratic?” and “looks like all of our work in South Korea in the 50s paid off. Errrr, Bigtime. No, you’re right, Reggie. It’s hard to stress every word.”

“This marks the end of the world,” said a professor of psychology from the Institute of Psychology in Columbus, Ohio. “The wanting of inferior goods and services, i.e. America’s, will destroy us all. Hey, why is the FBI on my lawn?”

Washington DC - The White House sees new progress in Iraq, declaring in a new assessment to Congress that Iraq’s efforts on fifteen of eighteen benchmarks are “satisfactory” - almost twice of what it determined to be the case a year ago.

“I’m not going to lie to you,” said a White House spokesman. “We’ve really screwed the cat on this one, but let me assure you, we’re doing everything we can to fix the situation. What? It’s pooch? See, fixing stuff already! Now let’s grab a drink and forget this ever happened.”

“Well, there was a time when every day you heard about soldiers losing limbs and Iraqi children being shot by soldiers,” said a Señor Military official. “We’re making real progress and there are very little stories about it. ¡Aye caramba!”

The National Collation of Concerned People asked “will we win this unwinnable war?”, “how is everyone doing? Freshen your drink?” and “what about the indigenous sand fox? Isn’t anyone concerned about the sand fox? No? What? No? Seriously, do we have to make every sentence a question? What? Oh? Really? Fine.”

“So that’s a C, maybe a C+,” said Vice Principle Blais. “I don’t see how that’s good at all. Maybe the President could stand a little study detention to bring his grades up. Let’s put him on a two week probation and then we’ll re-assess after that time. Good day.”

Seattle, Washington - Starbucks has announced it’s closing six hundred underperforming stores in the United States.

“I’m freaking out!” shouted one coffee drinker as he broke plates in the Macy’s cookware section. “Where in the [expletive deleted] am I going to get my coffee? Answer me! Someone answer me! Oh, when security get here?”

“The last thing we want to do is lose our valuable customers,” said a Starbucks representative. “We still have fifty three million stores here in the US. That’s still one store for every six people. Hell, it takes eight people to run the store, which I hope explains our slave trade lobby. No further questions!”

International Coffee Inc., the world’s largest processor of coffee beans, called the move “kinda stupid”, “what the hell are we going to do with fifty million tons of ground coffee?” and “open those stores, by the power of grayskull! Well, it was worth a try.”

“Boom!” said John Bonacki, shift manager at Tea Leaf. “Now’s our chance to strike and strike hard. Debby, spike every drink with meth. John, stop spitting in the teas. And Sandra, you know what to do. That’s right, take the rifle and snipe anyone who asks if there’s a Starbucks around here. Looks like everything’s coming up Bonacki.”

New York, NY - Scientists reported that when they surveyed volunteers fourteen months after they took a psychedelic drug as part of a research project, most said they were still feeling and behaving better because of the experience.

“So these are good for you?” asked a confused day-care worker as she ate the contents of her tinfoil. “Yeah, that’s some crazy, sweet [expletive deleted]. Oh no, trolls! Quickly, children, run out to the street where the bleeding trolls can’t eat our feet!”

“It’s important to know reality,” said one psychologist at a court hearing. “By experiencing these extraordinary events, we realize the preciousness of life and what it means to be human. Of course, that does not mean I should have been driving. I’d like to enter a plea of no contest and apologize to the Rodriguez family. Your daughter was a beautiful person.”

Local dealers call the report “reason enough for the schools to lift their no-drug policy”, “scientific proof that most of the country is stuck up” and “an easy way to get folks hooked on coke. Why would you think that’s a bad thing?”

“I the whole country took shrooms, entire industries would collapse,” said a man. “Our military arsenal would be at the hands of tripping mad-men! This study does not accurately portray the dangers of psychedelic drugs. No, I won’t say something witty to spice up this interview. No, I won’t. No. Oh my God, is that a gun?”

Washington DC - According to new World Values Survey data released in the July issue of the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science, the US is number sixteen in world happiness, ahead of more than eighty countries.

“No!” shouted the Director of the FBI’s secret Population Control Center. “No, no, no, no, no! Damn it! What’s going on out there? Johnson! Start a racially motivated beating! Miller! Raise the price of gas fifty cents! Thompson! Where’s my coffee? Damn it, people, why come to work at all? Move!”

“Oh, we are so much happier than America,” said a Danish teen as he smoked meth after drawing the Prophet and making out with his cousin. “Thankfully, no rules means we can grow up happy and well adjusted. Plus the State takes care of us when our brains pop. Ah, this is the liiiiiiiiiiiffff.. .duhhhh.”

The survey also concluded “Japan is now coolest nation on Earth because of their robots and porn”, “Uruguay still remains ‘most likely to stay a virgin’”, and “fear the Chinese. We’ve seen their war machine and you don’t want to piss them off. Just a friendly tip.”

“I move we medicate every American till they’re as happy as an Englishman!” shouted a Congressman from Nebraska. “If we’re going to stick with this materialistic society we need some way of keeping them fulfilled whilst telling them they’re unfulfilled. Medicate the water! Medicate the water! People in the back, I can’t hear you! Medicate the water! Yeah!”

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - The King of Saudi Arabia, whose nation is the world’s number one oil exporter, called on consumer countries to “get used to high prices” in comments published today.

“I’m sure the King is just kidding,” said a top White House official. “Like when he said most of his countrymen were responsible for 9/11 or constantly threatening us to stop supporting Israel or they’ll jack up the price of oil so high our entire military machine will stall. What a jokester!” After dabbing his head and neck he added, “yeah. We’re all cracking up in the war room. All… cracking up.”

“Aren’t we celebrating getting out from under a King’s thumb this weekend?” said BBQ master as he pulled a Shorthorn sirloin after it soaked in a delicious blend of hand picked dill, freshly squeezed lemon, Venezuelan crushed red pepper, thrice-baked quava-bean powder and a 1787 Sauternes from Château d’Yquem. “Are you listening to me, or are you focused on this delicious piece of meat? Hello?”

The King Union (Local #919) called the comments “well within our power-hungry boundaries”, “avert your eyes, peasant!” and “quite frankly, it’s nice to see a King stand up to democracy. I mean, democracy? Really? Do you hear how stupid that sounds?”

“What’s the big deal?” asked one soccer mom. “All we’re doing is going to a remote part of the world and toppling governments, trampling on their religion and stealing their natural resources. Oh, that’s not good. Hey, when’s the next election?”

Saint Louis, MO - Rising scrap metal prices, coupled with the lagging economy, have triggered a string of cemetery thefts, also known as grave robbing, both locally and across the nation.

“What’s the big deal?” asked a local policeman. “They’re already dead. How are we gonna ask a dead guy who robbed him? Or if his neighbors saw anyone suspicious entering or leaving the cemetery? Seems like a victimless crime to me.”

“I don’t know why we buried grandpa with millions of dollars of collectable baseball cards, stolen paintings from Germany and the Maria Alexandrovna Sapphire Brooch,” said the survivor of Donald J. Spurgeon. “But now that it’s all stolen, I’m thinking maybe we should have just put it all back in the safe deposit box.”

The Grave Diggers Union (Local #49) called the upswing in robberies “the natural cycle of life”, “we’re surprised they’re getting anything off them corpses. Usually we pick em clean” and “kids, stay in school. Trust us.”

“We’re going to have the family cremated to avoid being mugged in the afterlife,” said a father of three from a private line leading outside the compound. “Oh yes, even the children. Umm, well, I don’t think we can hold off the Feds forever. It’s only a matter of time before we’re all shot and burnt. Then we’ll be with God, right kids? See how happy they are?”

Meyrin, Switzerland - The most powerful atom-smasher ever built could make some bizarre discoveries, such as invisible matter or extra dimensions in space, after it is switched on in August which some critics fear the Large Hadron Collider could spawn a black hole that could swallow Earth.

“I don’t think it will,” said a scientist on the project. “Care to make it interesting? I bet you ten trillion dollars that we won’t destroy the Earth. Oh, so now you’re not so confident, are you?”

“Well, if this thing does destroy the Earth, we’ll need to take it to battle terrorism,” said a White House official. “Now that’s a stupid question. Of course we’re worried about the Earth being crushed into a dense ball the size of a SUV, but it’s a matter of national security. If it works, we need to make sure the terrorists don’t get it. Why are there so many questions today?”

The Intergalactic Federation of Intelligent Beings noted “umm, are you guys sure you know what you’re doing?”, “attention all craft. Please do not enter Sector Z4T349HJ in Galaxy 36T42Y” and “the red wire connects with the green wire, not the black wire. Oh boy.”

“You know, when they tested the first atom bomb they were pretty sure it wouldn’t ignite the atmosphere,” said a science historian. “I feel confident that if these guys think we’ll probably survive this next test, well, then we probably will. But, just to be safe, I have a spacesuit and a year’s worth of oxygen in my basement.”

Washington DC - In describing the reasons he believes the Republicans’ presumptive nominee for president would be better prepared than the Democrats’ to lead the nation next January, Sen. Joe Lieberman said that history shows the United States would likely face a terrorist attack in 2009.

“All the Senator is saying, is that some [expletive deleted] is going down and we can’t do [expletive deleted] to stop it,” said a Senate page. “He also mentioned we should all [expletive deleted] our [expletive deleted]s and [expletive deleted] our [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]s, cause all [expletive deleted] is [expletive deleted]. His words, not mine.”

“We must kill him before he says too much,” said a terrorist. “This is what happens when our deep-cover agent assimilates into American society! No, you’re right [terrorist name omitted]. He must live. A third-party Senator still does more damage than any bomb we could detonate. Much more damage.”

Mothers Against Terrorism Tension (MATT) called the quote “mindless fear mongering”, “we strongly suggest all of America get a massage and forget the whole thing” and “the worst thing about a terror attack is waiting for it. Just let it happen and you’ll see it’s not that bad.”

“Well, Ms. Stallworth, I’m pulling Anna and James out of school next year because of the upcoming attacks,” said concerned father Richard Van Herle. “Yes, I know we don’t know exactly when these attacks are going to happen, but believe me, I don’t want to worry about my children when they do. If you need us, we’ll be hiding under our beds. Good-day ma’am!”

London, UK - Scientists have linked thirty two genetic variations to Crohn’s disease, a bowel disorder, highlighting the complexity of many common diseases and the difficulties facing researchers seeking treatments.

“I’m glad they finally figured it out,” said trucker Jeremiah McShane as he ate his third plate of hash browns, salsa, eggs and chili peppers topped with tabasco. “Now that I think about it, of course it was my genes that was givin’ me the fire-runs. Darlene? Another cup of tabasco coffee, please.”

“Hmm, the solution is simple,” said doctor Gina Himes-Theodosopoulos. “Isolate the thirty two genes in every cell in a human and we’ll have our cure. How many cells are there in a human? Ten to the what? Fourteen? That’s like, well, a lot! Damn it, why are Mondays such a [expletive deleted]?” After moment of thought she added, “Unless we can isolate the Monday gene and make it more like Thursday.”

Irritable Bowel People (IBP) called the discovery “ah, who cares? They’re just gonna charge us thousands of dollars for it and it probably won’t work”, “maybe if they were a little more polite, they’d get what they want. And by ‘they’ we mean ‘everyone!’” and “ugh, another stupid day. Great, and I get waste it talking to you! Ah, forget you, I’m going to the toilet.”

“Can’t science cure the common cold?” asked a woman with a cold. “Or give us flying cars, or jetpacks, or robots that take care of our kids when we have a cold? Nope! All it does is help a small bunch of people who can’t have too much dairy or stress. Well I’m not going to take it anymore. Kids, get mommy’s bomb-belt.”

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Have a safe weekend.

San Francisco, CA - Another day of smoke-filled skies is prompting air quality officials to extend a health advisory for the Bay Area.

“We’re not just blowing smoke,” said Air Quality Manager Robert Carmichael. “You could say we’re the ‘air’ apparent to California’s fortune. Umm, hold on, I have a few more on index cards. Hold on, they’re in my jacket- ah crap. I left my jacket in my office. Stay right here, ok? Ok?”

“Who’ talking?” asked one man as he glared though the smoke in downtown San Francisco. “Hello? Where are you? Hold out your hand and keep talking, I’ll find you. Ow! Damn it, that’s a mailbox. Keep talking and I’ll find you. Oh dear God, I think I just stepped on a body. Hello?”

The San Francisco Heath Association urged residents to “stay inside and engage in normal man on man love”, “the only safe places to visit are gay clubs because they have really good air circulation” and “no, we’re not gay. What? Why would you even ask that? God, how insulting!”

“As more and more nations become industrialized, our overall air quality will spiral down into unsafe levels,” said a man as he pulled an air monitoring station out of the ground. “So, I decided to trash all of these things so we’ll never know how bad it is until we all die. Better to live an unimpeded life than one in fear, that’s what I say.”

Washington DC - The Federal Reserve was scrambling to prevent a “contagion” from infecting the nation’s financial system when it took unprecedented actions in March to back a Bear Stearns rescue package and provide emergency loans to big Wall Street firms.

“What the hell is a contagion?” asked a panicked investor. “Oh my God, what if a contagion happens right now? And who contages the contagionators? It’s all coming apart and no contagion will stop it! Or further wreck it! Contagion!”

“We’ve saved your financial asses, once again,” said Federal Bank Spokesman Navar Ingold. “The hell of it is, most of you are sipping your daiquiris and smoking your cigars, never thinking of the hard working bankers who keep you solvent.” After an awkward pause he added, “umm, this is the part where you pay us ten percent or we break your legs.”

The Fed noted “you know, you’d never know how great we are unless we told you”, “yes, we have lost a little weight. We’ve been working out, not like you’ve taken the time to ask us” and “why don’t you tell us you love us anymore? Are you cheating on us with FEMA? Don’t lie to us!”

“Lesson learned,” said an oil tycoon as he put his feet up on his desk. “We’ll never artificially raise the overall market prices, tell our investors the price will never come down and then ask the government for a bail-out when over ninety percent of our assets are lost because we got too greedy. No sir, not us!”

Miami, FL - A tropical depression has formed in the eastern Pacific Ocean, but the National Hurricane Center said there is currently no threat to land.

“Polls show people really don’t respect our warnings,” said a National Hurricane Center spokesperson. “So if you people ignore us this year, we’ll turn the hurricane machine on your State. That is, once we fix it. Damn thing’s been broken the past few years and- what’s wrong with you [Hurricane Center Chairman] Gary [Takahashi]? Why are you banging the table like that?”

“Too soon!” shouted Hurricane Daisy survivor Fernando ‘Hang Nine’ Trigg. “I remember back in ‘62 when that fierce storm gave us the best waves I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, three days drinking and surfing left me dehydrated to the point where they had to amputate my pinky. I changed that day. I changed.”

The National Flood Center noted “hey, this is our season. You don’t see us complaining about floods in September”, “maybe we’ll flood the Hurricane Center. That’ll shut em up” and “what’s next? [Volcano Center spokeswoman Cindy] Gereghty asking for money to cap more volcanoes? Ah, jez, here she comes!”

“Currently?” asked a concerned guy. “So what they’re telling us is right now we’re safe, but at any moment that depression could surge into a class ten hurricane and kill everyone I love? Why, God why? And only three days till retirement!”

Chicago, IL - Routine brain scans in a group of middle-aged people showed that ten percent (10%) of them had suffered a stroke without knowing it, raising their risk for further strokes and memory loss.

“I could have died and not known it!” said Verla Gilmer as she sat in Boehm Beauty Boutique. “I’m telling you what, Mary, the good Lord has blessed me with a new lease on life and I’m not going to throw it away. Come on, girls, we’re going to [local male strip club] Sparkling Wang’s! What? I like it much better than the Full Moon or Club Fred.”

“We strongly suggest a nightly dose of Protecol to prevent all brain-related injuries,” said a spokeswoman for Protecol as she held up a tiny yellow pill. “With high doses of mercury, francium and tellurium your brain is eased into a safe, medically-indused coma preventing any dangerous brain activity. Take some Protecol today!”

The scans also show “most Americans have an odd plaque forming blocking blood-flow to the brain from prolonged cell phone use”, “middle-aged brains of today are much fatter than the middle-aged brains of yesteryear” and “hmm, we smell oranges. Does anyone else smell oranges. Oh no, it’s happening!”

“At any moment, your head could literally explode,” said a scientist. “No, you really can’t prevent it. Just go about your daily routine, but just remember that everything you do is the last time you do it. Personally, I think you’ll find life deliciously exciting. That is, until the stress of wondering when you’re going to die kills you. Tragic.”

Malam Jabba, Pakistan - Unknown militants torched a Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC) motel and the adjacent servant quarters at the skiing resort Malam Jabba besides damaging chairlifts.

“I have no problem when they blow up our markets and our checkpoints,” said a Pakistani skiier. “But blowing up our only ski resort is inhumane! Where else can I ski? Why, God, why?”

“We must stop these evil acts,” said a White House representative. “First it’s a ski resort, then it’s our embassy, then the world. No, what we need to do is swift and decisive action. Tap everyone’s phones and jail everyone with the last name starting with A through M. That’ll stop em!”

Terrorist groups across the globe call the attacks “kinda stupid”, “why waste all that explosive on non-infidels” and “we really need to get organized. Amateur stuff like that makes us look like idiots. Wait a minute, is this a secure podcast?”

“What if that happens here?” asked one scared American. “I mean, during the winter. In America. Why, we could die! Kids, from now on you’re not allowed to go near a mountain. No, Billy, anything above ten feet above sea level is dangerous. Just stay under your bed and you’ll be fine.”

Washington DC - A study released by the National Council on Teacher Quality finds elementary-school teachers are poorly prepared by education schools to teach math.

“Do the teachers learn math at the elementary schools where they teach Math?” asked logic teacher Mr. Abeles. “Well that’s like my learning logic at the school where I’m the only logic teacher. Which, according to my training, makes perfect sense. Gum?”

“What’s the big deal?” asked Principle Rubin as he scratched himself. “So we’ll have a few more dock workers and a few less scientists. It’s not like the scientist jobs won’t be taken by Indian or Japanese kids. Better these kids discover their nine-to-five-punch-card destiny now before they form hopes and/or dreams. Cigarette?”

The PTA called the study “an outrage”, “we pay over sixteen billion dollars for good teachers, the kind we used to have when we were in school, sixteen billion years ago” and “as parents, we’re angry at the school, but thankful that we have something to fill our sad suburban lives. Wine?”

“Thankfully, when the child grows up and gets to college, he or she will have infinite knowledge at their disposal,” said a college professor. “Sadly, they use most of their time here to party and [expletive deleted]. [Expletive deleted]ing Omega house, you’re killing our future! Beer?”

Washington DC - President Bush said he will lift key trade sanctions against North Korea and remove it from the US terrorism blacklist, a remarkable turnaround in policy toward a regime he once branded as part of an “axis of evil.”

“Those guys really ain’t that bad,” said a White House official. “And if they’d be so kind to return the pictures of the President they took, we’d greatly appreciate it. Again, nice guys, just misunderstood.”

“We can finally sell more North Korean goods!” said an excited shopkeeper. “Like lead paint pacifiers, irradiated curtains and shoes stuffed with blood-stained notes that read ’save me from this hell.’ Hazzah!”

A representative from the Axis of Evil called the announcement “a blow to our organization”, “we’ve worked with North Korea for many years and wish her well. There will always be a place for her at our evil table, if she ever decides to return” and “evil country auditions will be held this Saturday at the UN, room 106. We’re looking in your direction, Venezuela.”

“All is in place, my lord,” said a North Korean General to the Supreme Leader of North Korea. “Soon, our trade ships will be allowed into American ports and then sweet nuclear fire will cleanse the Earth of the West. Yes, my lord, I will flog myself now for your amusement.”

Washington DC - The Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense and hunting, the justices’ first major pronouncement on gun rights in US history.

“Now some folk might want to use guns for fishin’ or child rearin’,” wrote a Justice for the majority. “And weez feel it ain’t right to tell them how to do their business. So, fer all them miners defendin’ against bar attacks, or them poor folk huntin’ buffalo them injuins dun stole from em, we say, let them have guns!”

“I only own a handgun to defend against my neighbor, who owns a handgun,” said handgun owner Laurye Bourgault. “And he owns a gun because a guy at work owns one. And that guy owns own because I keep threatening him with my handgun. Wait a minute, do you own a handgun? Well, now I need to own two!”

The NRA called the decision “vindication for all the people we’ve killed in ’self defense’”, “yeah, handguns are ok, but what we really need are assault weapons. Can you lift the ban on those too?” and “yeeeeeeeeha!”

“I think it’s a bad idea,” said private citizen James Eisenman. “If everyone has a gun what’s stopping them from shooting someone if they don’t like what they’re saying. America’s full of idiots who don’t- ow! Why did you just shoot me?”