Pittsburgh, PA – The final report from a landmark federal study on hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, found no evidence that chemicals or brine water from the gas drilling process moved upward to contaminate drinking water at a site in western Pennsylvania.
“That’s not to say it’s safe,” said a reporter. “Just that we didn’t find anything in this massive study. It’s still bad, because, you know, someone said it was.” He checked his notes, adding, “the guys who did that documentary with the fire thing. So… come on, people, you have to hope harder and believe! Hope!”
“If that’s true then I wasted a lot of my life in pointless protest,” said a woman. “All the hours arguing with friends, posting articles on Facebook, crowbarring my recycled opinion and ruining dinner parties and casual get-togethers.” She began to sob, adding, “I’ve lost the moral high ground. This is horrible!”
The report went on to claim “you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot for forming opinions before any large studies could be conducted”, “go back and read the article that found the vaccine/autism link was faked and has absolutely no correlation” and “again, you’re a [expletive deleted]ing idiot.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure my news source will spin this to make me feel better about myself, no matter where I stand on the issue,” said a man. “That’s what the news is supposed to do: make me feel special.” He skipped away, singing ‘Ring Around The Rosie.’