Crater/Shane.torgerson

A Meteor Could Kill You At Any Moment

Chennai, India – Indian scientists are investigating whether a man was killed by a meteorite, which if confirmed would be the first recorded death from falling fragments of space rock in almost two hundred years. “Remember, that’s recorded,” said a…

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Breaking News

Business

Laptop/Pexels

Apple Sucks With An Eighteen Billion Dollar Quarterly Profit

New York, NY – Apple reported fiscal first quarter earnings that beat analyst estimates, but came in below expectations on revenue, iPhone sales and more. “Ugh,” bemoaned an investor. “Just eighteen billion? That sucks. Where’s the non-stop fifty-something percent yearly…



Crime

Police Monitoring/Pixabay

Have You Checked Your Criminal Number Lately?

Fresno, CA – As a national debate has played out over mass surveillance by the National Security Agency, a new generation of technology such as the Beware software being used in Fresno has given local law enforcement officers unprecedented power…

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Fingerprinting/Nino

FBI Wants Your Data To Spy On You All The Time

Washington DC – A court filing released yesterday reveals the Federal Bureau of Investigation has used a secretive authority to compel Internet and telecommunications firms to hand over customer data including an individual’s complete web browsing history and records of…


Entertainment

Star Wars/Skidmore

A Star War Pushed Back

Miami, FL – Star Wars fans will have to wait two more years for the next installment after Walt Disney announced the pushed back the release of Star Wars: Episode VIII by seven months. “We expected at least a hundred…

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Oscar/Bueso

Academy Awards Once Again Exclude Blacks

Los Angeles, CA – While some of the nominees for Best Picture had people of color in their casts, the acting categories were once again whitewashed. “No!” yelled a woman. “We have to frame everything as it pertains to race!…



Health

Whole Foods/Shankbone

Natural Food Is Good For You, Confusing

Atlanta, GA – The US has a confused consumer epidemic as more shoppers are seeking foods labeled “natural” despite not fully understanding what the claim means. “It means it comes from other food, right?” asked a confused shopper. “Wait, is…

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Fat/95Berlin

WHO Fat-Shames Globe

London, UK – The World Health Organization (WHO) reports at least forty one million children under the age of five are obese or overweight across the globe, with numbers rising most rapidly in developing countries. “Have you seem my face?”…

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Pilates/US Army

Education The Best Relief For Back Pain

Boston, MA – A new study published in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine concluded that based on the evidence available, exercise in combination with education was likely to lower the risk of lower back pain. “Now this is strictly based…


Canape/Gandydancer

Food, Horrible Food

Washington DC – The US government’s latest eating guidelines came out today and were greeted with the usual accusations that they go too far, or don’t go far enough, or leave out something important. “It’s very important we control what…


Legal

Lawyers/Michael

Lawyers Know Deep Down That They’re The Worst

Atlanta, GA – According to a new study, lawyers have the lowest health and well-being among all white-collar workers. “We all know they’re rotten demons on the inside,” said a scientist. “But now we have proof. In fact, it’s somewhat…

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Sportsbook/Ghos

Fan Duel Duels With New York

New York, NY – New York attorney general has informed DraftKings and FanDuel to cease and desist doing business in the state. “We will not tolerate gambling!” exclaimed a New York Deputy Attorney General. “Outside of horse racing, OTB, slots,…


Marijuana Plant/Rikva

Ohio Says Nope To Dope, Yes To Dress, Maybe To Slim Shady

Columbus, OH – In a major blow to marijuana legalization nationwide, Ohio voters rejected a sweeping initiative that would have ended pot prohibition in the Buckeye State. “We said no to reversing the no to pot,” said a voter. “See…


Military

Battle of Ramadi/Lock

Iraq Beats JV Squad

Baghdad, Iraq – Iraqi forces declared a key victory in their battle to retake the western city of Ramadi from ISIS, seizing a central government compound in what the United States called a “proud moment.” “Granted, we think those insurgents…


AC 130/Showalter

Superjet Has Lasers, Wins

Richmond, VA – Northrop Grumman has revealed a tantalising image of a new stealth ‘superjet’ capable of firing laser weapons. “What’s the best way to destroy something?” asked a top Air Force Commander. “That’s right, can you- yes, can you…


Money

Rubles/Milošević

Ruble Gains Super Suspicious

Moscow, Russia – According to a Moscow-based cyber-security firm, hackers used malware to penetrate the defenses of a Russian regional bank and move the ruble-dollar rate more than fifteen percent in minutes. “We knew something was going on when our…

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DoT/Geraldshields11

IRS Down For The Count, Can’t Count

Washington DC – The Internal Revenue Service suffered a “hardware failure” yesterday afternoon, which left many of its tax processing systems unavailable last night. “We’re not not able to do your taxes,” argued an IRS agent. “We’re just not able…

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Charity Work/Karmen cute

The One Percent Greedily Donate The Most Money

New York, NY – According to the new Almanac of American Philanthropy, Americans are a charitable group, in fact the most generous in the world. “Those greedy one percenters!” yelled a ninety-nine percenter. “They’re giving away money like they don’t…


Politics


Bed/Wood

Political Sex Is A Gift

Kansas City, MO – A Missouri lawmaker introduced a bill that would require lobbyists to report “sexual relations” with state legislators as a “gift” in their disclosures to the state ethics commission. “Technically, sure,” admitted a lawmaker. “But, you know,…


Religion

Cray/Rama

Pope Exorcises Internet

Rome, Italy – Pope Francis spoke out over the increasingly aggressive nature of much political discourse and the use of social media as a forum for personal abuse. “What better way to solve the viciousness of the Internet than by…

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Faust's Dream/Falero

Another Botched Demon Exorcism Results In Death

Belize, Central America – A young woman died from cardio respiratory arrest after her parents allegedly performed an exorcism to get rid of the “demon” inside her. “When will these back-alley demon exorcisms end?” asked a priest. “People need access…

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Playboy Avengers/Loika

Vatican Denounces Porn

Rome, Italy – Roman Catholic bishops issued a collective condemnation of pornography today, calling it “a dark ‘sign’ of the modern world” that causes “corrosive damage.” “We won’t sit here and let our people look at pornography,” said a priest….


Church vs Prison/Xevel

Vatican Arrests Priests For Talking About Finances

Rome, Italy – Vatican police have arrested a senior Spanish priest and an Italian communications adviser for allegedly leaking confidential documents about Pope Francis’s reform of the church’s finances. “We’d like to help, but the Vatican is a sovereign nation,”…


Science

Crater/Shane.torgerson

A Meteor Could Kill You At Any Moment

Chennai, India – Indian scientists are investigating whether a man was killed by a meteorite, which if confirmed would be the first recorded death from falling fragments of space rock in almost two hundred years. “Remember, that’s recorded,” said a…

Read More

Molecular DNA/SNRE Lab

UK Modifies DNA In Desperate Attempt To Avoid Brushing Teeth

London, UK – Britain’s fertility regulator has approved a scientist’s request to edit the human genetic code in an effort to fight inherited diseases, but critics fear the new technique crosses too many ethical boundaries. “It’s the only way to…


Technology

USB 3/Gaenssler

New USB Great, Evil

San Francisco, CA – The gadget world is slowly adopting a new power cord standard called USB Type-C. They’re small, multipurpose, universal, reversible and might fry whatever gadget you plug them into. “These are great little wires,” said a tech…

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Planes/NASA

Hackers Hack NASA And Announce NASA Wasn’t Hacked

Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA has denied hackers’ claims that they infiltrated the agency’s systems and took control of a drone mid-flight. “It never happened,” said a sweaty NASA official. “They never gained access to our system, went through our…

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Robot/Humanrobo

Humans And Robots To Mash Parts

London, UK – According to a futurologist, technology will let humans merge with computers which will create an entirely new species called Homo optimus. “If this scientist is correct, the world as we know it will change forever,” said a…


Binary/Pixabay

The Elite Own The Internet

New York, NY – According to a new study by research outfit SimilarWeb, a relatively small group of publishers dominate Americans’ online news consumption. “This isn’t fair,” said a researcher. “The elites are taking advantage of the poor! We need…


Travel

Aviastar/Ekoprihantoro

Pakistan Missing People, Not Planes

Islamabad, Pakistan – Pakistan International Airlines (PIA), the country’s flag carrier, is misplacing its passengers as it wrestles with a crippling strike by workers who are furious over privatization plans. “So there should be fifty more people on this flight,”…

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No Smoking Sign/Mardani

You Will Get Sick, You Might Get Ill

London, UK – Up to seven of thirteen crew members and “many passengers” were struck down with the strange disease, but at this stage no one knows what it is. “Stuck down?” yelled a concerned parent. “Is my child dead?…

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Exhaust/Ruben de Rijcke

Push Button Ignition Convenient, Deadly

Seattle, WA – Experts worry that cars with a push button ignition could be left running in an attached garage with carbon monoxide spewing out of the tailpipe seeping into your house, causing illness or death. “It’s our job to…


Dog Helping Swimmer/Pixabay

Faking Mental Disability Is, In Fact, A Mental Disability

New York, NY – Travelers with actual disabilities and those who feel inconvenienced by the voyaging creatures seated among plane passengers are increasingly angry that the system is being gamed and that doctor’s letters can be purchased on the Internet….


US

Recession/ispiritsolutions.com

We’re All Going To Recession!

New York, NY – The dollar is falling sharply, while the market bets ever more confidently that there will be no rate increases from the Federal Reserve in 2016. “There’s no way we’re going to recess into a recession,” said…

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Confederate Flag/stojakovic

Flag Incites Massive School Race War

Orlando, FL – A Confederate flag incident at West Port High School last week turned into threats of violence at the school on social media over the weekend, prompting school officials to beef up security. “Everyone knows the Confederate flag…

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Sinkhole/Oregon Department of Transportation

Oregon Falls Into Sinkhole, Washington Rejoices

Portland, OR – A huge sinkhole that won’t stop growing has shut down a stretch of Highway 101 in coastal Oregon. “There’s no mystery here,” said an engineer. “They didn’t [a lot of technical jargon which pointed out the failures…



World

Swamp/Berniestew

North Korea Spies On The Big Game

Seoul, South Korea – North Korea’s newest satellite passed almost right over the stadium just an hour after the big game ended. “Now we know the horses won!” yelled a North Korean general. “And we won’t have to wait two…

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Panzerabwehrraketen/High Contrast

North Korea To Invade Space

Space – The United States has seen increased activity around a North Korea site suggesting movement of components and propellant to be able to conduct a space launch in the near future. “Man, they really wanna get to space after…