Six Thousand Year Old Temple Found, Given Tax Exempt Status

Kiev, Ukraine – A six thousand-year-old temple holding humanlike figurines and sacrificed animal remains has been discovered within a massive prehistoric settlement in Ukraine.

“We have to respect their religion,” said a man at the State Department. “That means no making fun of them and no- oh, [expletive deleted], I gotta go!” He ran off, followed by two Marines. We later learned he was not affiliated with the State Department but kept his comments because we forgot to interview anyone else.

“This is embarrassing,” said a forgotten god. “I thought no one would dig up the temple, or the past. Yes, I killed my people, but only becuase they began worshipping another god. Oh, I donno. Some fella who said he was the son of the sun. You ask me, they’re all the same. Yeah, that Buddha guy really chaffs me too. Well, off to Bra’Thla. That’s the real heaven, by the way.”

Ukrainian archeologists also found “odd airplane debris”, “Russian soldiers posing as civilians” and “a lot of apathy.”

“I feel like this discovery is very important because, you know,” said a historian. “Oh, why pretend anymore. No one cares about anything any more. It’s a shame.” He leaned back in his chair, adding, “I’d like to add something witty, but I give up. Who’s gonna chuckle? You? Oh. Well, ummm, okay, can you give me five minutes to prepare? Great! I’ll be right back!”

Study Finds All Safe Drugs Not Safe, Not Safe Drugs Not Safe

Atlanta, GA – A study found dietary supplements containing potentially dangerous prescription drug ingredients may still be for sale even years after safety recalls. “Don’t get mad at us,” said a researcher. “It’s our job to go though perfectly normal things and find something wrong with them. Technically, those drugs shouldn’t have one part per billion of anything illegal. Sure, that might fall into the ...

US Tax Money Spent On ‘Massaging Rabbits’

Washington DC – A US Senator reports more than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of the taxpayer, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise. “Who approves such waste?” screamed a Congressman. “When I find out who… oh.” He cleared his throat several times, then whispered, “I’ll be ...

North Korea Releases An American For No Reason

Washington DC – The State Department announced one of three Americans being held in North Korea has been released. “And, as the old Lynyrd Skynyrd song goes, one out of three ain’t bad,” said a high-ranking State Department official. “What? Two out of three? Damn it, you know how much fissionable material we had to ...

Vegetarians Are To Bearing Children As Sasquatch Is To Photography

Loma Linda, CA – Vegetarians and vegans may be harming their chance of having children after a study found that men who do not eat meat have significantly reduced sperm counts. “And that’s our finding,” said a member of the American Meat Society. “Hey, you can’t argue with science. Oh, so now vaccines don’t cause ...

FBI Warns They Might Have Not Stopped Five Hundred Million Crimes

Washington DC – Federal officials warned companies that hackers have stolen more than five hundred million financial records over the past year, essentially breaking into banks without ever entering a building. “This is just a heads up,” said a federal official. “We’re not officially saying this is what’s happening but…” He leaned over the podium ...

Iran Definitely Has Nuclear Weapons, UN Inspectors Blink In Morse Code

Vienna, Austria – The head of the UN nuclear agency is sounding a note of caution about Iran’s claims that it is not interested in nuclear arms, saying he cannot guarantee that all the country’s atomic activities are civilian in nature. “After seven years of hemming and some hawing, I can not guarantee that any ...

Science Confirms Astrology Correct, Science Wrong

London, UK – New research found babies born in the summer are much more likely to suffer from mood swings when they grow up while those born in the winter are less likely to become irritable adults. “Wait, what?” said Miss Devon from Miss Devon’s Astrological and Tarot Readings. “Holy [expletive deleted], really? That can’t ...