Breaking News

Business

XS-1/NASA

Boeing To Develop Super Secret Spaceplane

Washington DC – Boeing bags a six and a half million dollar contract to design reusable XS-1 robot spaceplane that will launch secret spy satellites and space weapons. “This is all very secret,” said a Boeing employee as he filmed…

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Banana Split/GNU Free Documentation License

Successful CEOs Finally Get Just Desserts

Washington DC – Federal regulators voted today to require companies to reveal the pay gap between CEOs and their employees. “Now the people will see the real enemy!” screamed a SEC regulator. “The corporations will tumble and no one will…


Pingyao/Benzh

Chinese Market Crash Despite Direct Order Not To

Seoul, South Korea – The Shanghai share index fell the most since early 2007 this morning as Chinese stocks suffered a renewed sell-off despite government efforts to calm the market. “Yes!” yelled a CIA agent. “And that’s how destroy a…


Crime

Diamond/Jurvetson

Russia ‘Loses’ Diamonds, ‘Finds’ Billions Of Rubles

Moscow, Russia – Rough diamonds worth millions of dollars have reportedly disappeared from Russia’s supposedly impenetrable repository created by the Bolsheviks to store the tsar’s jewels. “Diamonds? What diamonds?” asked a high-ranking Russian official. “This is just the President’s empty…

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Police Cruiser/Schumin

White Kid Accidentally Jailed

Nashville, TN – A Tennessee teenager allegedly squealed “pigs!” at police officers last week and wound up being the one confined to a pen. “You can’t jail a white kid!” exclaimed a white person. “That’s not how it works! Now,…

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Heroin/Psychonaught

Heroin Use No Longer Illegal

Washington DC – With a rise nationally in fatal heroin overdoses, the White House announced a plan pairing law enforcement officials with public health workers in an effort to emphasize treatment rather than prosecution of addicts. “We realized if we’re…



Entertainment

Fantasy of Planets/shikeroku

Brain Grown, Instantly Captivated By Mr. Robot

Columbus, OH – Scientists from Ohio State University claim to have grown an almost fully-formed human brain in a lab for the first time. “We’ve successfully grown a human brain!” exclaimed Dr. Richard Emmerson. “Now to kill it with booze…

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Sleeping Rabbit/Lesser

Chinese Girl Declared Queen Of The Animals

Beijing, China – The People’s Daily Online claims a five-year-old girl has amazed the Chinese public by hypnotising a series of animals on a popular talent show. “We’re glad she’s on our side,” said a Chinese diplomat through a translator….


Football/osubeaver2000

The NFL Hires A Woman! A Woman? A Woman!

Phoenix, AZ – The NFL announced the Arizona Cardinals have hired the first female coach in National Football League history. “Now, when our players beat their wives, their girlfriends, other women in bars, or kids, we can say it’s okay…


Health

Meats/Alpha

Meat Is Mental Murder, Physical Discomfort

Atlanta, GA – A new report on bacterial contamination in ground beef by Consumer Reports might move you to the well-done camp. “It’s true, most of what goes in you is full of bacteria and disease,” admitted a butcher. “But…

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Cilantro/Qfamily

US Citizens Sicken By Undocumented Cilantro

Des Moines, IA – Almost four hundred people in over twenty five states have been diagnosed with a stomach illness tied to Mexican cilantro contaminated by human waste. “This is why we need a fence,” said a Presidential candidate. “To…


Brown Sugar/Rubenzahl

Sugar Might Not Be The Miracle Drug We All Believe It Is

Washington DC – The US Food and Drug Administration announced food labels should contain more detail about how much sugar is in a product. “You’ve obviously failed as an adult,” said a FDA official. “So you need a parental figure…


Legal

Internet Money/uncredited

Failed Business Ventures Now Illegal

Washington DC – Federal regulators are going after people who raise money online through crowdfunding sites like Kickstarter and GoFundMe but don’t follow through on their promises. “All these sick bastards who dared to dream and then ask for money…

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Cell Phone/kev-shine

NSA’s Massive Domestic Spying Operation Might Be Illegal

New York, NY – A federal appeals court ruled against the National Security Agency’s bulk collection of telephone call information, completely rejecting the government’s legal justification for the program. “It’s our job to make these sorts of judgements,” said an…


Stocks/Poike

Trading Stocks Crashed Stock Market

London, UK – According to unsealed court documents, a high-frequency futures trader has been charged with illegally manipulating the stock market, contributing to the May 2010 “flash crash.” “You can’t click faster than this,” said a stock market expert in…


Military

Missile Control/Brooks

Iran Finally Gets Peaceful Nuke Missiles

Tehran, Iran – The Iranian Defense Minister said at a ceremony today that the high-precision Nasr air-launched missile system will significantly upgrade the tactical power of Iranian forces. “They’ve openly told us every step they’ve taken towards destroying the world,…

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Mark17CAM/Nehrams2020

World Dangerously Low On Nukes

Washington DC – Seventy years after the US dropped the first wartime atomic bomb on Japan, nine nations are estimated to possess a total of around sixteen thousand nuclear weapons. “That’s it?” exclaimed a US General. “That’s barely enough to…


Money

Lloyd's Of London/phogel

Stocks Rebound! We’re All Rich! Rich!

New York, NY – US stocks rebounded this morning after a punishing day on the global markets, sailing away from China’s unslowing slide and renewing hopes of an averted meltdown. “I’m a billionaire again!” screamed a billionaire as he threw…

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Oil Traders/Oil Industry News

Money Has No Meaning Anymore

New York, NY – The Dow Jones industrial average fell more than a thousand points in early trading and the Standard & Poor’s 500 index slid into correction territory. “We did it!” exclaimed a Chinese official. “We destroyed the world,…

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Monopoly Money/Mohabir

The Stocks Are Falling! The Stocks Are Falling!

New York, NY – US stocks plunged today, extending a recent rout, as concerns about slowing global growth continued to pressure investor sentiment. “This is it!” screamed a trader. “They realized it’s all fake and it’s coming down!” He unbuttoned…



Politics

GOP Debate/IowaPolitics.com

One More Guy Wants To Be President

Richmond, VA – The former governor of Virginia has formally announced that he’s running for president today, saying in a web video that he’s the best candidate to reverse America’s “decline.” “Hey, there’s always Arby’s,” reasoned a GOP strategist. “Sure,…

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Confederate Battle Flag/Maleszyk

Flag Removed, Racism Over!

Columbia, SC – Cheers and applause erupted as the Confederate battle flag was removed from the South Carolina Capitol, ending a decades-long fight that was reignited after the murders of nine members of a historically black Charleston church. “Yes, we…


Sissinghurst Castle/GraceKelly

Queen Evicted

London, UK – Britain’s Queen Elizabeth might have to move out of Buckingham Palace for an extended period under plans being considered to allow builders to carry out millions of pounds of repairs to the crumbling building. “Oy!” said a…


Religion

Pope/vocations.opeast.org

Pope Plans To Sneak Into US

Houston, TX – According to the head of a papal advisory group of cardinals, the Holy Father would enter the United States by crossing the Mexican border if he had the time. “Let’s see him try!” exclaimed a border patrol…

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Purple Drank/Stickpen

Americans More Confident In Something Than Religion

New York, NY – A new Gallup survey finds the church could be “losing its footing as a pillar of moral leadership in the nation’s culture” as Americans have less confidence in organized religion today than ever measured before. “We…

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Holy Cross/Duncan

Pope Leak 2015!

Rome, Italy – Italian magazine L’Espresso leaked Pope Francis’ hotly anticipated encyclical on climate change on its website yesterday, breaking an embargo on the document set for Thursday. “The Pope believes we should all live in caves and give up…



Science

Black Hole/Alain r

Humans Can Finally Ditch This Crappy Universe

London, UK – According to a new theory proposed by genius Dr. Hawking, humans could escape from black holes, rather than getting stuck in them. “I’m so sick of our astronauts getting stuck in black holes!” exclaimed a NASA official….

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Eclipse/Panza

Eclipse Clock Begins Today

Toronto, Canada – Two years from now, North Americans will get an opportunity to observe nature’s greatest sky show: a total eclipse of the sun. “Ugh, it’s two year away!” exclaimed a woman who’s somewhat interested in science. “Why start…

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Technology

2D Barcode/gigile

New Barcodes, Same Problems

Olympia, WA – GS1, the nonprofit organization that assigns the unique numbers in barcodes, has developed a double-layered barcode it calls the “data bar” which can carry some extra details such as expiry date, quantity, batch or lot number. “We…

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Drone/Phillips

Drone Killing Laser Cannon Finally Invented

Santa Fe, NM – Boeing’s developed a laser cannon specifically designed to turn unmanned aircraft into flaming wreckage. “People spend a lot of money on drones,” admitted a laser tech. “But they aren’t buying the right to invade privacy, the…

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Space Elevator/Irving

Canada Wins Space Race

Toronto, Canada – A Canadian company has clinched a patent for a twelve mile-high “space elevator” that could launch astronauts and tourists into orbit. “Ah man!” exclaimed a high-ranking NASA official. “We were going to patent that. You know, we…


Woman on Smartphone/kaboompics.com

Checking Cell Phone As Deadly As The Three-Beer-Gun-Clean

Paris, France – New research finds that the most frequent mobile phone and internet users are the most likely to be distracted, for example by being prone to missing important appointments and daydreaming while having a conversation. “Preposterous!” exclaimed a…


Travel

Car Smashed By Snowball/30 Lines

All Cars Suck

Detroit, MI – According to a national customer satisfaction survey, car buyers are less than pleased with their new vehicles. “They’ll like what we tell them to like!” exclaimed an auto executive. “And when they die because we don’t want…

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Uzbekistan Airways/личный

Uzbekistan Finally Makes Traveling A Cinch

Paris, France – Uzbekistan’s national carrier plans to weigh passengers with their hand luggage before boarding as part of a new ‘flight safety’ measure. “These backwards backcountry backasswards European hicks just might be onto something,” said an airline executive. “Granted,…

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US

Cigarette Butts/McCarthy

FDA Reveals Cigarettes Aren’t Natural

Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration flexed its new muscles against the tobacco industry today, scolding makers of three brands of cigarettes for labels saying they are “natural” or “additive-free”. “How could this not be natural?” asked a…

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Hurricane/Pendergrass

Hurricane! Starboard!

Miami, FL – Hurricane Danny has formed in the Atlantic, becoming the first hurricane of the Atlantic season. “We’re not going to sugar-coat this,” said a US Navy officer. “You’re going to die. Oh, no. No, no, no. Not from…

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Fire Rainbow/daslasher1

Fire Rainbow Burns Air Above South Cakalaka

Columbia, SC – A rare ‘fire rainbow‘ has been sighted in the sky over South Carolina, dazzling viewers for about an hour before fading away. “We will not stop until the nation and/or nations responsible for this monstrosity are brought…


Polluted River/Alexandrowicz

EPA Restores River To Original Day-Glow Orange Color

Denver, CO – According to the Environmental Protection Agency, a federal cleanup crew accidentally caused a big, and potentially hazardous, mess in Colorado. “We’re not saying who, but some big government agency with the charge of cleaning and protecting the…


World

Big Ben/France

Gigantic Clock Right ‘Never’ Per Day

London, UK -BBC Radio revealed Big Ben, London’s iconic tower’s bell, has been fast by as much as six seconds in recent weeks. “So that’s why we’ve been off,” said a British man. “I thought I felt a little askew.”…

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North Korean Officers/Johnson

North Korea Declares War On South Korea For Talking

Yeoncheon Village, South Korea – The nuclear-armed North has condemned South Korean propaganda being blasted from speakers at the border as equivalent to a declaration of war. “You can’t talk to us!” screamed a North Korea diplomat. “That’s a clear…

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Gold Coins/Mößbauer

Nazi Treasure Found On Nazi Train Bound For Naziland

Mainz, Germany – According to authorities, two tipsters claim to have found a Nazi-era train carrying gold, gems and valuable art hidden underground in Poland. “To be fair, finding an abandoned train in Poland is like finding sand at the…


Soviet Troops/Somov

Russia v. NATO II: Scuffle For Truffles

Warsaw, Poland – A new report claims Russia and Nato are actively preparing for war with one another amid the greatest build up of military tension in Europe since the end of the Cold War. “We’re going to destroy NATO!”…