Washington DC – The labor force participation rate in 2013 for Americans in their twenties hit the lowest level recorded since 1981, when the Bureau of Labor Statistics started releasing employment data on people in the full age bracket of twenty to twenty nine.
“We need you self-entitled brats to get your lazy asses in gear and get to work!” shouted a Labor Department spokeswoman. “No more Xbox until you get a job!” She pounded the podium, shouting, “that’s it! Go to your room! No, you can’t have your iPad! It is fair! This is called life! I’m done arguing with you!”
“Things haven’t been this bad since Jimmy Carter,” said a Republican. “So I’m going to keep saying that over and over until I run out of breath.” He cleared this throat a few times, then began to shout, “Things haven’t been this bad since Jimmy Carter!” until he collapsed.
The IRS called the low numbers “alarming”, “if we don’t have worker drones out there buzzing away, we can’t take our piece of the honey” and “that’s as far as we’re taking the bee analogy. Get to work and give us our [expletive deleted]ing money, you [expletive deleted]s.”
“What? Minimum wage?” said a teen. “Oh hell no. I’m better than that.” When pressed as to what skills he had that would make him earn more than minimum wage he added, “well, I’m in a band. And I have a great idea for an online t-shirt store. So, yeah, life is gonna be sweet.”