Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for visiting Calamity News, where we take the daily stories and stuff them full of delicious fear. That was going to be a Thanksgiving analogy, but it’s late in the day and seemed like a stretch. This week…

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Breaking News



Facebook Grows With Facebookian Proportions

San Francisco, CA – The social-media giant says it now has one and a half billion monthly active users, a fourteen percent jump from a year ago. “We still have to figure out how to make money off of this…


Ice Wall/Kilby

Canadian Border Wide Open, Terrorists!

Havre, MT – The world’s longest shared land border (US/Canada) attracts a fraction of the US attention and security resources taken up by the much shorter southern border with Mexico, which is patrolled by eighteen thousand US border agents compared…

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Studio Mic/curtis.kennington

Most Of Public Radio Is Chinese Propaganda

Los Angeles, CA – A Reuters investigation spanning four continents has identified at least thirty three radio stations in fourteen countries that are part of a global radio web structured in a way that obscures its majority shareholder: state-run China…

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Modern Art Fails Again

Rome, Italy – A janitor at the Museion Bozen-Bolzano museum in northern Italy mistook an art installation of empty bottles of champagne, cigarette butts, colorful confetti and pieces of clothing scattered around one of its exhibition rooms for mess left…

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Eurovision Song Contest/Clausule

Readers Really Reading Playboy For The Articles

New York, NY – Playboy announced their magazine will no longer publish photos of nude women as part of a redesign. “It’s a brilliant move!” said a strategist. “In this modern age, men don’t have to ogle women. They can…

404 Sample/Wikimedia Foundation

Most Of Us Won’t Remember Anything, This Article

San Fransisco, CA – A new survey by Russia’s Kaspersky Labs found a third of adults search for answers without trying to remember and a quarter immediately forget what they’ve found. “How many gallons are in a cube foot?” repeated…


Jet Injector Gun/Geni

New Flu Vaccine Might Be Slightly More Effective

Washington DC – Federal regulators have signed off on a new type of flu vaccine with a booster in it, with the hope of better protecting seniors from the virus. “It’s straight up PCP,” said a heath technician. “It helps…

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Port Wine/Sullivan

Gender Has No Meaning At The Bar

New York, NY – US researchers report American women are starting to drink more like men and men are starting to drink a little more like women. “What?” yelled a man. “I don’t drink like a woman and I resent…

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Music Soothes The Savage Beast, Beats

Denver, CO – A research review suggests music isn’t just good for the soul, it’s also good for helping the body heal after surgery. “This is literally the easiest study to conduct!” said a researcher. “I just look at the…


Super Salmon Safe, Says Succulent Safety Security Staff

Washington DC – The FDA announced salmon genetically modified to grow faster is safe to eat and may be sold in the United States. “It’s fine,” said a federal official. “If we prevented people from eating anything that’s genetically modified,…



Lawyers Know Deep Down That They’re The Worst

Atlanta, GA – According to a new study, lawyers have the lowest health and well-being among all white-collar workers. “We all know they’re rotten demons on the inside,” said a scientist. “But now we have proof. In fact, it’s somewhat…

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Fan Duel Duels With New York

New York, NY – New York attorney general has informed DraftKings and FanDuel to cease and desist doing business in the state. “We will not tolerate gambling!” exclaimed a New York Deputy Attorney General. “Outside of horse racing, OTB, slots,…

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Marijuana Plant/Rikva

Ohio Says Nope To Dope, Yes To Dress, Maybe To Slim Shady

Columbus, OH – In a major blow to marijuana legalization nationwide, Ohio voters rejected a sweeping initiative that would have ended pot prohibition in the Buckeye State. “We said no to reversing the no to pot,” said a voter. “See…


Pandora Settles With The Past

Los Angeles, CA – The record industry is feeling good vibrations after Pandora agreed to pay ninety million dollars to settle a lawsuit over streaming songs from before 1972. “That’ll teach you to innovate!” yelled a very rich lawyer for…


Ship/Roger W

Iran Sending Secret Fleet Of Warships To Atlantic

Tehran, Iran – Iran intends to dispatch “a fleet of warships” to the Atlantic Ocean shortly, the semi-state Fars news agency reported today, quoting the regime’s navy chief. “Shhhhhhh,” said an Iranian Naval officer. “We’re going to send a few…

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Chinese Destroyer/Murata

China Going Rogue And Building A Warship

Victoria City, Hong Kong – According to a monitoring group, new satellite images suggest China has begun work on its first indigenous aircraft carrier. “Why must the US involve themselves in everyone else’s business?” asked a UN diplomat. “Can’t sovereign…

Antenna Tuner/Adamantios

Heads Up, Ya’ll: The NSA Will Spy On Diplomats

Washington DC – Former intelligence analysts say the NSA will probably spy on foreign leaders like Iranian President Rouhani during the UN General Assembly in New York this week, applying a “full court press” that includes intercepting cellphone calls and…


Federal Reserve/Warby

Yellin Yellin’ About Stuff

Washington DC – Federal Reserve Chair Yellen is stressing the need to review the unconventional monetary policies that central banks around the world deployed in response to the 2008 global financial crisis. “We need to review what we’ve been doing,”…

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100 Yuan/Dennis

Non-US Money Considered Legal Tender

Beijing, China – The People’s Republic took another step to boost the yuan’s global usage, saying it will start direct trading with the Swiss franc, as the nation pushes its case for reserve-currency status at the International Monetary Fund. “They’re…

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Candy Corn/Evan-Amos

Fun Ruined By Health Concerns

New York, NY – The demand for healthier candies could scare away some of the two billion dollars that the National Retail Federation says Americans will spend on Halloween candy this year. “Look, I’m not going to tell you guys…



School Pretends US President Never Existed

Princeton, NJ – Princeton University’s president, under pressure from African American student activists, said last night that the school would begin a process to consider expunging the legacy of former President Woodrow Wilson from campus. “We must never talk of…

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Cutting Pipe/Beavers

President Rejects Pipeline, Accepts Handshakes

Washington DC – President Barack Obama rejected the proposed Keystone XL pipeline, ending the political fight over the Canada-to-Texas project that has gone on for much of his presidency. “America isn’t about building things or creating wealth,” said a White…

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New Speaker, Same Problems

Washington DC – Wisconsin Republican Representative Ryan was elected to serve as the next speaker of the House today after weeks of uncertainty which came on the heels of the House passage of a sweeping two-year bipartisan budget deal. “This…

Toronto At Dusk/Kua

Canada’s New Overlord Boxer, Strip Teaser, Nice Guy

Toronto, Canada – Justin Trudeau swept to a stunning victory in Canada’s federal elections yesterday, coming from a position of relative outsider just a few months ago. “We welcome our new overlord and hope that he sees our worth as…


Playboy Avengers/Loika

Vatican Denounces Porn

Rome, Italy – Roman Catholic bishops issued a collective condemnation of pornography today, calling it “a dark ‘sign’ of the modern world” that causes “corrosive damage.” “We won’t sit here and let our people look at pornography,” said a priest….

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Church vs Prison/Xevel

Vatican Arrests Priests For Talking About Finances

Rome, Italy – Vatican police have arrested a senior Spanish priest and an Italian communications adviser for allegedly leaking confidential documents about Pope Francis’s reform of the church’s finances. “We’d like to help, but the Vatican is a sovereign nation,”…

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God Inviting Christ/de Grebber

God Killed With Magnets

London, UK – Scientists claim attitudes towards God and immigrants can be changed by beaming magnetic waves into the brain. “What do immigrants have to do with God?” asked a priest. “One is the best thing in the world and…



Alien Assault Repelled By ISS

Space – Spacewalking astronauts encountered leaking ammonia and minor glove damage while performing plumbing work outside the International Space Station today, but NASA said neither issue posed an immediate threat. “Their weapons are mostly ammonia based,” said a Pentagon official…

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Telepathy/r. nial bradshaw

Telepathic Kid Realizes World Is Ripe For The Taking

Los Angeles, CA – A five-year-old savant who is apparently displaying signs of telepathy is being studied by scientists after his mother posted videos online showing him reciting random numbers ‘written in secret‘. “You can’t be telepathic,” said a scientist….


Hole In Sun Will Blast The Earth

Space – The sun’s about to spit charged particles our way, and that solar wind of protons and electrons will interact with the Earth’s magnetic field to light up the skies with a dazzling display of color through tonight. “We’re…



Egalites Evaluate Encryption: Evil Or Essential?

Washington DC – The terror attacks in Paris, Beirut and Mali have renewed the debate around encryption inside the Beltway, much to the chagrin of America’s biggest tech companies. “We need to make sure that no company has encrypted anything!”…

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Car Seats/Pava

Relax, You’re Just Driving

Detroit, MI – A new smart car seat can keep a driver calm by actively monitoring the commuter’s physical and mental status, according to the maker. “Hey, what’s the worst part about driving?” asked an automotive manufacturer. “That’s right, paying…

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Exterior Door/

Pro Tip: Don’t Open The Door During Flight

Boston, MA – A woman aboard a British Airways plane from London to Boston has been arrested after trying to open the plane’s emergency exit door during the flight. “Guys, seriously, come on,” said an Air Marshall. “I can’t believe…


Homeland Realises They Haven’t Vetted A Million Airport Workers

Washington DC – US homeland security officials are working to address aviation security vulnerabilities that come from almost a million people whose jobs allow them largely unfettered access behind the scenes at the nation’s airports. “We just kinda realized there…


Toilet Roll/GorillaSushi

Some Folk Don’t Have A Toilet

Biloxi, MS – As recently as 1990, the rural stereotype of dropping trou in a shack out back was a reality for more than one million American households. “I’m shocked that something like this could happen so soon,” said a…

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Snow Covered Trees/

Winter Arrives, For Some Reason

Detroit, MI – Winter Storm Bella will bring the first, not to mention locally heavy, accumulating snow of the season for some in the Upper Midwest, Corn Belt, and Great Lakes. “We deeply saddened to announce that somehow, the world…

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Earthquake Fault/Greco

Earthquake Devastates Huge Swaths Of Unused Land

Tulsa, OK – A magnitude four point seven earthquake struck northern Oklahoma early this morning, with the temblor felt in a radius of a hundred miles which included the city of Tulsa and the neighboring state of Kansas. “I’m shocked,”…

Dragon Dance/蔡滄龍

Irish City’s Chinatown’s Asian Population Declining

Boston, MA – Despite being home to the third largest Chinatown in the country, the Asian population has been dwindling due to the rising cost of living in Boston. “We’re not sure what to say,” admitted a city official. “Oh,…


WWII Memorial/dbking

Darn, WWIII Easily Avoided

Moscow, Russia – The downing of a Russian warplane that set off frantic fear mongering about a potential World War III appears to have been downgraded to a diplomatic ding. “Turns out, these things happen,” said a Russian official. “Looks…

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US Corruption Exported To Kenya

Nairobi, Kenya – A parliamentary committee in Kenya charged with oversight on government is investigating these and other “horrendous” instances of waste of public funds after a government ministry bought ball-point pens that usually cost ten cents for eight five…

Riot Police/Chernov

Iran Celebrates Mercilessly Beating US

Tehran, Iran – American flags and effigies of President Barack Obama were set ablaze today as thousands gathered to mark the anniversary of the 1979 takeover of the Iranian capital’s US Embassy. “I can’t wait to celebrate destroying the western…