Breaking News

Business

Cubicles/Wilson

Everyone Gets Jobs!

Washington DC – The job market bounced back in April as the economy thawed out from a wicked winter that all but froze hiring. “Yes, the weather, that’s why,” said Nicole from human resources. “It’s not because none of you…

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Crime

10 Euro Notes From A Robbery/Cruks

Steal From The Poor, Give To The EU

Kyiv, Ukraine — Late last year, about a billion dollars disappeared in an apparent banking scandal that’s mystified Europe’s poorest country: Moldova. “First of all, it’s not stealing,” said a high-ranking EU official. “It’s called socialism. Look it up.” After…

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Burning Van/Telefonkiosk

America Collectively Puts A Huge X Though Any Map With Baltimore

Baltimore, MD – National Guard troops fanned out through the city, shield-bearing police officers blocked the streets and firefighters doused still-simmering blazes early this morning as a growing area of Baltimore shuddered from riots following the funeral of a black…


Entertainment

Spectrum/Thyevilgib

Reddit Cracks Down On Abusive Posts, Immediately Shut Down

San Francisco, CA – Reddit, the popular link-posting and discussion website periodically plagued by personal attacks and leaked explicit photos, announced a new way to report harassment today, providing an email address and direction for users who are seeking relief…

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Jones/Victorgrigas

Manager Rant Leaves Reporters In Tears, Fears

Cincinnati, OH – As the Cincinnati Reds deal with some issues early on in the 2015 season, manager Bryan Price’s frustration reached a tipping point before yesterday’s game as he went on a expletive-laced rant against reporters. “We’re offended and…


Colored Pencils

The Media Will Kill Your Children

Atlanta, GA – A survey of today’s stories include: a mother who dropped her two-year-old son into a cheetah exhibit at a Cleveland zoo, a two-year-old child was killed by a car in Milwaukee, and eight hundred thousand children who…


Health

Domo/Elzey

Happy Thoughts, Always Think Happy Thoughts

Stockholm, Sweden – Swedish researchers report in a new study that strengthens the theory that depression and Parkinson’s are linked. “The second you realize that all human endeavor is pointless, or stumble upon your own mortality, or conceptualize your insignificance…

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Yeast Bubbles/Champion

Once Again, Beer Proved To Be Super-drug, Tasty

Atlanta, GA – Researchers have figured out how to get yeast to produce morphine, codeine and other similar drugs and have immediately urged regulators to control these drug-brewing yeasts before people start trying to make them at home. “Oh yeah,…

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Plant Leaves/Gabovitch

New Labels Super Helpful To Food Snobs, Pushy Parents, Eco Jerks

Washington DC – The Agriculture Department has developed a new government certification and labeling for foods that are free of genetically modified ingredients. “The best way to solve any problem is with layers and layers of government,” said a government…



Legal

Cell Phone/kev-shine

NSA’s Massive Domestic Spying Operation Might Be Illegal

New York, NY – A federal appeals court ruled against the National Security Agency’s bulk collection of telephone call information, completely rejecting the government’s legal justification for the program. “It’s our job to make these sorts of judgements,” said an…

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Stocks/Poike

Trading Stocks Crashed Stock Market

London, UK – According to unsealed court documents, a high-frequency futures trader has been charged with illegally manipulating the stock market, contributing to the May 2010 “flash crash.” “You can’t click faster than this,” said a stock market expert in…

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Final Exam/dcjohn

Cheaters Score High On Tests, Go To Jail

Atlanta, GA – Three former Atlanta public school educators convicted in a massive cheating scandal have been sentenced to seven years in prison. “Technically, the students cheated,” said a teacher. “The teachers were simply helping them because they were too…


Utah Firing Squad

Utah To Shoot Everyone

Provo, UT – Utah’s governor signed a bill that brings back firing squads as a potential way to execute some death row prisoners. “We feel this is the best way to murder a person,” said a state official. “It’s efficient,…


Military

USNWC/N328KF

Chinese Military Gives Friendly Warning To US Military

Above the South China Sea – The Chinese navy issued warnings eight times yesterday as a US surveillance plane swooped over islands that Beijing is using to extend its zone of influence. “Guys, seriously,” said a Chinese airman. “How many…

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9-11 Tribute/Quintano

If You Like Conspiracies You’re Just As Bad As Osama

Washington DC – Newly released documents show Osama bin Laden kept a collection of English-language books that indulged his interest in conspiracy theories about the United States. “That’s the sort of rabble that’s attracted to conspiracies,” said a Federal agent…

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X-37B/Stonecypher

X-37B On Its Forth Secret Mission

Miami, FL – The US Air Force’s mysterious X-37B space plane will head to orbit this week for the fourth time. “This is the forth time we’re reporting on a highly-secret mission,” said a reporter. “And yet, we really haven’t…



Money

Vault/Jonathunder

Social Security A Total Sham, Scam, And Spam

Washington DC – New studies from Harvard and Dartmouth researchers find that the Social Security Administraiont’s actuarial forecasts have been consistently overstating the financial health of the program’s trust funds since 2000. “We’re not going to use the word, ‘liar,’”…


500 Euro Notes/Schwichtenberg

Yes! The Euro Is Poised To Collapse! Yes!

Vienna, Austria – More than thirty percent of all government debt in the Eurozone which totals approximately two trillion Euros of securities, is trading on a negative interest rate. “We’ve known this for years,” said a European trader. “We just…


Politics

Island/Namath

Hawaii Raises Age Of Being Cool

Honolulu, HI – A bill that would make Hawaii the first state to raise the legal smoking age to twenty one cleared the Legislature yesterday and is headed to the governor. “Who better to look out for you than us?”…


Ex Iron Curtain/High Contrast

White House Slightly More Secure

Washington DC – Officials are planning to top the bars of the White House fence with spikes in order to discourage jumpers. “By 2054 the White House will be secure,” announced a proud White House insider. “Then we’ll look into…


Religion

Tomb of Jesus/Matisons

Classic Jesus News Headline Resurrected

Tel Aviv, Israel – A long-running archaeological controversy has been resurrected, thanks to a newly revealed analysis of scrapings from a first-century tomb in East Jerusalem and a bone box attributed to “James, son of Joseph, brother of Jesus.” “It’s…

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Catedral Santiago/De Riquer

Rebel Alliance Fights Pope

Santa Cruz, Brazil – In a secluded monastery in south-eastern Brazil, a breakaway group of ultra-conservative Catholics gathered to participate in an act of rebellion against the pope. “We don’t care how hip you think he is!” screamed a Brazilian…


Saint_Peter's_Basilica

Pope Really Wants To Steal Your Assets, 401k, Soul

Vatican, The Vatican – Pope Francis has once again spoken out about the global economic climate, decrying an economic system that “seems fatally destined to suffocate hope and increase risks and threats.” “You shouldn’t make fun of the Pope,” said…


Science

Cutting Of The Aragose Gel/Coen

Chinese Manipulate DNA, Americans Argue About Skin Color

Beijing, China – Chinese scientists claim a new DNA technique makes once-theoretical genetic manipulation seem possible. “We’re not held back by religious bureaucracy,” said a Chinese official. “Nor are we held back by poor schools, persistently choosing to be the…

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Flying Mallard Duck/Correns

Chinese Find New Dinosaur, Turn It Communist

Beijing, China – Chinese scientists say they have discovered a new dinosaur species, with bat-like wings, that sheds light on how dinosaurs may have evolved into birds. “Whatever,” said American paleontologists. “What? Like, are we supposed to go out and…


Mammut/FunkMonk

Mammoth To World: I’m Back, Bitches!

Seoul, South Korea – Russian and South Korean researchers are trying to recover genetic material from a frozen woolly mammoth carcass and repopulate a “Pleistocene Park” with cloned herds of the currently extinct species. “What could possibly go wrong?” asked…


Technology

Wifi/Male

Wifi Is Killing All Of Us

New York, NY – A woman in the city is claiming that exposure to wi-fi is making people sick, and some people don’t even know it. “You know how sometimes you wake up and you’re still tired?” asked a concerned…

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Anybots/Keyzer

Robots Report Robot Takeover By 2029

San Francisco, CA – The director of engineering at Google anticipates that by 2029 robots will have reached human levels of intelligence and will be doing a third of all of human jobs. “That’s incorrect,” said a prominent historian. “If…

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B-52/Horstman

EU Fights Google, Is Wiped Off The Map

London, UK – The European Commission’s main complaint with Google involves the way it favors its own search results above competitors’ and asserts the most relevant links are not always listed first on Google. “For example,” said a EU lawyer….


Travel

Booby Trap/Lawlor

Dynamite Left At LAX, Charged $21.95/Day To Park

Los Angeles, CA – A law enforcement official at Los Angeles International Airport says a live stick of dynamite was accidentally left on an old plane at an airport museum for four days. “What’s important is we didn’t lose it,”…

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Crash Test Dummy Heads/Westfall

Ford Recalls Every Car Ever Made

Detroit, MI – One million Ford Fusions have been recalled three different times in the past week. “We’re not happy to have the deadliest car on the market,” said a company spokesman. “But we are happy that absolutely none of…

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US

Merit Badges/Muth

Boy Scouts Finally Make A Good Decision For Boys

Denver, CO – In a new list of approved activities for scouts the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) make clear that water gun fights are not allowed because “pointing a firearm” at someone, even a “simulated” firearm, is not “kind.”…

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World

Power Lines/Murrell

Most Of Us Have Electricity, Study Finds

Barcelona, Spain – The World Bank announced around one in seven people across the globe still live without electricity, despite some progress in expanding access, and nearly three billion cook using polluting fuels. “We like to use technical terms like…

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Pablo Spencer/AFP - Getty Images

Volcano Criticized For Doing Its Job, Erupting

Santiago, Chile – Chile’s National Geology and Mining Service the Calbuco volcano erupted twice in twenty four hours. “We expect all life on Earth to end by the year three billion, seven hundred million,” said a scientist. “Of course, this…