Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, the only satirical, weekday, black and white news site on the internet.

Instead of ranting and raving that the news has become more entertainment than informative, citing examples, pointing fingers and raising our blood pressure, we’re just going to roll our eyes and make a face that asks, ‘seriously?’ Are we cool? Cool.

Have a safe weekend!

Ancient Alien Spacecraft Found At Bottom Of Ocean

Stockholm, Sweden – A team of salvage divers has discovered an unexplained object resting at the bottom of the Baltic Sea near Sweden. “We’re positive it’s the spaceship from the ancient aliens who founded our great race,” said a top EU official to the international press corp. “Everyone knows it, but we’re not afraid to say it.” After the laughter subsided he added, “oh, I ...

New Study Suggests If Your Conservative, Your Stupid

Washington DC – According to a new study that is bound to stir public controversy, people who give in to racism and prejudice may simply be dumb. “If you’re a conservative, you’re dumb,” said a researcher. “The proof? Umm, how about that conservatives are dumb? I mean, if you don’t believe in exactly what I believe in, you’re dumb. I mean, you’re so anti everything, ...

Study Finds Enough People Have Fake Disease To Make It Real

Sacramento, CA – A new study on Morgellons, a disease where patients feel that tiny bugs are crawling on them, have oozing sores and mysterious fibers sprouting from their skin, revealed nothing, suggesting the disease is psychosomatic. “Turns out people freak out a lot more these days,” said a researcher. “We never had this problem ...

Computer Viruses Hook Up, Destroy Virtual World

San Francisco, CA – A computer security firm announced a computer virus and a computer virus had what amounts to virtual intercourse, resulting in a new computer virus. “If you’ve used a computer in the past fifty years, chances are this new virus has all of your information and is currently on a spending spree ...

Wear Heels And Die

Trenton, NJ – A first-of-its-kind study published last week in the The Journal of Applied Physiology found that wearing high heels could lead to permanent damage of the calf muscles by increasing the mechanical strain on the muscles and shortening the muscles’ fibers. “We were staring at [assistant] Tammy’s legs one day and [Doctor] Jerry ...

Religious People Are Happier, Better Than You

Columbus, OH – A new study finds that religious people tend to feel better about themselves and their lives, but this may only hold in places where everyone else is religious. “We thought it was odd too,” said a researcher. “Applying science to religion. But it turns out, these two have nothing in common.” He ...

Iran Comes To The Table With Open Arms, Nukes

Tehran, Iran – The President of Iran says he is ready to revive talks with the world powers, as toughening sanctions aim at forcing Tehran to sharply scale back its nuclear program. “They’re on the ropes!” said a top Pentagon official. “Let’s invade!” He looked around the restaurant before slowly sitting down and whispering, “sorry, ...