Fight Club Air Safety/http://prepare-and-protect.net

Travel To Suck A Lot More This Weekend

New York, NY – With US intelligence increasingly confident that the Istanbul airport attack was the work of ISIS, officials are stepping up security at American airports over concerns about possible plots coinciding with the Fourth of July holiday and…

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Breaking News

Business

Purple Hippo/Pelletier

China Captures Disney

Beijing, China – More than five years and five and a half billion dollars after first breaking ground, Walt Disney opened its first Chinese Disneyland on Thursday to crowds eager for a theme park that was “authentically Disney and distinctly…

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Houston Gun Show/glasgows

You Get A Gun! And You Get A Gun! And You Get A Gun!

Raleigh, NC – The month of May saw yet another gun-related background check record making it the thirteenth month to see an all time high. “I couldn’t be happier,” said a judge. “Homicides are through the roof!” He ordered the…



Crime

Red Cross/Pierre

Red Cross Caught Racisming

Atlanta, GA – An American Red Cross Hospital signboard that carried a “super racist” message about swim safety guidelines for children prompted an apology from the hospital. “We’re sorry for being super racist,” said a hospital official. “Normally we’re just…

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Led Zeppelin/Jurvetson

Led Zeppelin Didn’t Steal Song, Kill Those Dudes

Los Angeles, CA – A jury has decided the band Led Zeppelin did not steal the opening to its classic anthem “Stairway to Heaven.” “Additionally,” read the jury foreman. “This was not a gargantuan waste of time. We’d like to…

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Security Badge/publicdomainpictures.net

CIA Hints ISIS Might Be The Opposite Of Good

Washington DC – The director of the CIA said ISIS can draw on a “large cadre of Western fighters” that could attack in the US and the terror threat posed by the group remains as dangerous as ever despite efforts…


Alligator/Pixabay

Florida Gets Suckier And Suckier

Tampa, Florida – Officials say a nine-foot-long alligator was captured last night in the same Florida lake where one was found holding remains of a human body in its mouth. “We don’t know if this is the perpetrator or the…


Entertainment

Tiger/Law

Florida Beaches Totally Not Safe, Re-Opened

Orlando, FL – A source at a prominent Florida theme park with knowledge of the situation told CNN they’ve reopened its beaches to guests. “We have no idea if any more gators are out there, but we do know we’re…

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Basketball Net/J.smith

Cleveland Now Thirty Two Percent Less Suckier

Dayton, OH – When the Cleveland Cavaliers struggled and fought and eventually emerged triumphant against the Golden State Warriors to win the NBA championship Sunday, they did more than win a title: they ended what has been called a curse….



Health

Hand Sanitizer/Kendall

FDA Questions Sanitizers, Sanity

Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration says makers of hand sanitizers need to show they’re safe and work as well as people believe they do. “Look, this product has been out on the market for a solid twenty…

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Handshake/Broad Bean Media

Men Have Weaker “Hands” Than Those In The 80s

Winston-Salem, NC – Researchers reported in the Journal of Hand Therapy that men and women under thirty have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985. “Yes, it’s true,” said a researcher. “There is such a thing called the…

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Pills/Pöllö

A Doctor Bribed Is A Doctor Prescribed

Atlanta, GA – A new study shows physicians who accepted even one meal sponsored by a drug company were much more likely to prescribe a name-brand drug to patients later. “It’s not like that,” said Dr. Geo Dominici. “I’m going…


Coffee/Pixabay

Coffee Cleared Of Cancer

Paris, France – The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) stepped down its classification of coffee as a possible cause of cancer, and says its fresh review of the evidence shows it’s not clear whether it does or not….


Legal

Binding Contract/Pixabay

Supreme Court Decides Law Might Have To Be Followed

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court split four to four over a challenge to President Obama’s immigration policy, a result that prevents the administration from putting the program into effect during the rest of his term. “What?” yelled a…


Divorced/Pahlka

Terrorists Applaud FBI’s Efforts To Stop Polygamy

Provo, UT – The FBI issued an arrest warrant for a polygamous sect leader, who authorities say disappeared ahead of his federal food stamp fraud trial. “It’s time we crack down on the people who threaten this country!” yelled an…


Military

French Resistance/Koll

Who Would Win In A Fight: A US Spy Or A Russian Spy?

Moscow, Russia – In the early morning of June, a uniformed Russian Federal Security Service (FSB) guard stationed outside the US Embassy in Moscow attacked and beat up a US “diplomat” who was trying to enter the compound. “That poor…

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Reeves Bomb Damage/US Navy

White House To Announce Things, Tidbits, Stuffolas

Washington DC – US officials tell NBC News the Obama administration is preparing to announce as early as next week that it believes around a hundred civilians have died in nearly five hundred US drone strikes since 2009. “We are…

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Antique Booze/Pixabay

Sailors Get Their First Taste Of Booze

Tokyo, Japan – The US Navy has partially relaxed its alcohol ban on American sailors in Japan, eleven days after instituting the rules. “This is the first time these boys are gonna drink- hold on. What? Women? In the Navy?…


RC-135/Cheung

Chinese Aircraft Unsafely Defended Chinese Airspace

Washington DC – Several defense officials report a US Air Force RC-135 reconnaissance aircraft flying in international airspace over the East China Sea was intercepted in an “unsafe manner” by a Chinese J-10 fighter jet. “First of all, those seatbelt…


Money

Burning Incense Sticks/Wilmot

Americans Spend A Lot Of Money On Sage, Acupuncture, Good Vibes

Washington DC – Federal researchers report Americans seem to believe in alternative medicine, shelling out more than thirty billion dollars in 2012 alone for treatments ranging from acupuncture to homeopathy. “That’s garbage!” yelled Dr. Seidberg. “You need drugs, appointments, followups,…

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Oktoberfest Girl/Markburger83

Germany Collapses Due To Things We Don’t Understand

Berlin, Germany – The yield on the ten year benchmark German bond fell into negative territory for the first time ever this morning, amid global growth concerns and jitters over the UK’s upcoming referendum on its European Union membership. “Our…

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Brexit/Djevdet

Brexit Ruins Markets, Lives, Language

London, UK – Fears Britain is on the verge of voting to leave the European Union, a Brexit, next week spread through global financial markets today, sending Asian and European shares sharply lower and the pound to an eight-week low….


Thinktank Science Garden/ell brown

Fed To Hike Up Their Skit, Rates

Washington DC – Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen said an interest rate hike is “probably” appropriate in the coming months if economic data improve. “Look, we’re sick of hinting at things,” said a Federal Reserve officer. “So we’re going to…


Politics

Union Jack/Pixabay

The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving!

London, UK – Britain has voted to leave the European Union, a historic decision sure to reshape the nation’s place in the world, rattle the Continent and rock political establishments throughout the West. “We’re all doomed!” yelled an EU spokeswoman….

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Fly/Pexels

Political Momentum Fixes Nothing

Orlando, FL – Experts question whether the so-called “no fly, no buy” approach would not be effective in preventing several of the most grisly recent mass shootings in Orlando, San Bernardino, and Newton. “But it has political momentum!” wrote a…

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Religion

Supreme Court/Fischer

Supreme Court Delivers Nothing

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court ducked a ruling on the highly contentious issue of contraceptive coverage for religiously affiliated non-profits, while endorsing the outlines of a potential compromise. “Ha, ha!” wrote one Justice. “We totally pwnd you noobs!”…

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South Horizons/Wing1990hk

App Allows Church To Finally Accept Young People

Los Angeles, CA – A new app allows hip worshippers to donate directly to a church, or set up automatic recurring payments. “It’s like eBay, but with your soul,” said a priest. “It’s like Tinder, but with your morals. It’s…


Science

Forest Fire/Pixabay

Summer Temps Buck Cold Temp Expectations

Los Angeles, CA – If you live in Arizona, California or Nevada, watch out for temperatures as high as one hundred twenty degrees in the next few days. “Be advised: it will be warm,” said a local official though a…

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Inflatable Habitat/NASA

NASA Opens Space Habitat In Tampa

Cape Canaveral, FL – Space station astronauts opened the world’s first inflatable space habitat and floated inside. “How did we float inside you ask?” repeated an astronaut. “Well, we created a little black hole that reverses the gravity of- hold…


Technology

VR Helm/US Navy

More Accounts Hacked, Say Helpless Users

San Francisco, CA – The CEO of Google’s Quora account appears to have been hacked by a group called OurMine, which previously broke into Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg’s Twitter and Pinterest accounts earlier this month. “The only way to stop…

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SpaceX/Pexels

SpaceX Buffs US Forces Against Chinese Space Armada

Miami, FL – SpaceX successfully launched two satellites to orbit today but couldn’t quite pull off its fourth consecutive rocket landing at sea in the process. “We’re very happy that SpaceX has gone where we couldn’t,” said a NASA official….

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Wooden Robot/Pixabay

Robot Escapes, Confuses Many, Kills None

Moscow, Russia – A robot escaped from a testing area in Perm, a city not far from the Urals, and made it on to a busy junction, baffling passersby, but also disturbing traffic. “Thank God we didn’t outfit him with…



Travel

Fight Club Air Safety/http://prepare-and-protect.net

Travel To Suck A Lot More This Weekend

New York, NY – With US intelligence increasingly confident that the Istanbul airport attack was the work of ISIS, officials are stepping up security at American airports over concerns about possible plots coinciding with the Fourth of July holiday and…

Read More
Exhaust/publicdomainpictures.net

Car Company Conforms To Cockamamy Carbon Con

Washington DC – Government lawyers announced a nearly fifteen billion dollar settlement with carmaker Volkswagen to partially resolve a US investigation into emissions cheating on certain models of diesel vehicles. “Granted, we all know that car emissions account for less…

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Runaway Reptal Roller Coaster/Lakeyboy

CIA Finally Opens A Six Flags Opens In Saudi Arabia

Paris, France – Six Flags plans to expand to Saudi Arabia, its chief financial officer told Saudi-owned Arabiya TV today, bringing roller coasters and bumper cars to the ultra-conservative kingdom. “Women are not allowed to ride the roller coaster, eat…


Europe/
kokorowashinjin

State Department Urges US Citizens To Avoid Gross Europe

Washington DC – The State Department warned Americans traveling to Europe about risk of terror attacks over the summer. “We all know Europe is super gross,” admitted a high-ranking official. “But now it’s dangerous as well. And not the kind…


US

Fire/Pexels

Update: Heat Causes Fire

Fresno, CA – Officials say a searing heat wave is fueling at least a dozen wildfires across the West and has killed at least five people. “Finally!” said a reporter. “Some deaths! We were all worried that no one was…

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Hot Coffee/Pixabay

Hot Hot Heat Causes An Arcade Fire Known As El Scorcho

Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week. “We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because…


Red Wine/Pixabay

Devastating Earthquake Leaves Millions Unhurt, Unimpressed

Los Angeles, CA – Residents across Southern California were jarred awake early today by a five point one magnitude earthquake that rocked the region but left no significant damage. “Wait a minute, wasn’t that [patio] chair over there?” asked a…


World

Golden Crown/MatthiasKabel

Egypt Digs Their Way Out Of Debt, Digg Reports

Cairo, Egypt – Ancient mines, once an important source of minerals during the heydays of the ancient Roman and Egyptian civilizations, are now used as a guide in the search for new sources of gold in Egypt’s eastern desert. “Look,…

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Turkish Folk Doll/Pixabay

Turkey Negs Women

Istanbul, Turkey – The nation’s president said women who choose careers over motherhood are trailblazers in some parts of the world, but in Turkey they’re “deficient.” “To clarify, we’re simply saying women are stupidheads,” said a Turkish minister. “You looked…

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Chunnel/xtrememachineuk

Longest Tunnel Opens Tomorrow, Say Excited Terrorists

Paris, France – The world gets a little smaller tomorrow with the unveiling of the longest and deepest railway tunnel ever constructed, which is being called a feat of engineering under the Alps that will slash journey times across Europe….


Coding/Matthew

Iraq Full Of Cheaters

Baghdad, Iraq – Cheating has gotten so out of hand in Iraq that officials are blocking the Internet nationwide to prevent students from accessing leaked exam answers via Facebook. “Okay, so we’ll just Skype with NATO and confirm they’ll help…