London, UK – British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking argues God did not create the universe and the “Big Bang” was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics.
“We’re not saying there is no God,” said a nervous scientist. “We’re just saying that He might not have put this universe into existence. We’re also not ruling out the strong possibility that He is a vengeful god. Hence the fearful reverence and the capitalization of He.”
“What?” sputtered an angel. “But that means we’re all just made up? The whole thing was fabricated in some child-like attempt to live forever?” As he faded away he screamed, “noooooooo!”
The Physics Law Department called the assertion “true, for the most part”, “most of the laws you know come from Newton v. Physics, which really set the precedence for what everyone today calls ‘the laws of phyiscs.’ There are some nuanced technicalities, but for the most part, that’s how things work” and “no, you can’t take classes online. We’re not UC Irvine for christ’s sake!”
“We all kinda knew this was coming,” said a man who casually follows science. “I mean, we’ve known about planets and other stars for centuries, so why is this so startling? Can we all just be adults and realize that we’re just one tiny planet in the middle of nowhere and we need to work together to survive? No? Fair enough.”
