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Former Congressman Claims Economic Collapse

Washington DC – Despite record highs in the market, former Representative Ron Paul says the Fed’s easy money policies have left stocks and bonds are on the verge of a massive collapse. “I’m sure it’s not that bad,” said an…

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Oil Platform/Abbildung

Shut Up, Everyone, The US Is Back On Top!

Washington DC – The US has taken Russia’s crown as the biggest oil and natural-gas producer in a demonstration of the seismic shifts in the world energy landscape emanating from America’s shale fields. “Yes!” said an oil lobbyist as he…


Ann Taylor/Ingfbruno

The Sale Price Is A Lie

New York, NY – According to a new study by the non-profit Center for the Study of Services concluded that some well-known stores seemed to have perpetual sales on certain items, so the “discounted” price is really the regular price….


Crime

Impressive Pirate Ship/Olmstead

Piracy Up, Internet Piracy Up

Bangkok, Thailand – A rambling report claims piracy incidents are up seven hundred percent in just five years in Indonesian waters. “Aye,” admitted a pirate. “We’ve become more brazen. Why? Because of the popularity of the Pirates of the Caribbean…

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AT&T Building/Bradford

FCC Fines AT&T For OMD, AKA One Million Dollars

Washington DC – The Federal Communications Commission said it plans to fine AT&T, the nation’s second-largest wireless carrier, one hundred million dollars for misleading customers about “unlimited” data plans. “When we said ‘unlimited’ of course we meant ‘limited’, just ‘un’ed,”…


Slam Poet/The Moose

Rant Away, America, Rant Away

Washington DC – The US Supreme Court said the government cannot base a prosecution for sending an Internet threat solely on how the message was perceived. “It’s perfectly fine to write a threat to the President as long as it…


Entertainment

Stripes on the Field/AdamKR

Baseball Even More Corrupt Than Soccer

Houston, TX – A federal official confirmed to NBC News that the FBI is looking into allegations that officials of the St. Louis Cardinals illegally hacked into a computer database of the Houston Astros. “We just wanted to know if…

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Satellite Dishes/findeciclo

Media Landscape Changes Forever As Mogul Steps Down

London, UK – Rupert Murdoch, the eighty-four-year old CEO and controlling shareholder of 21st Century Fox, is preparing to step down as CEO of the media giant and hand that title to his son. “Now everyone can watch whatever they…

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Ghosts/Pezibear

Dead Queen’s Evil Book Published

London, UK – A children’s book penned by Britain’s Queen Victoria when she was just ten years old has finally been published almost two centuries after it was written. “This’ll get kids reading again!” said a teacher. “It’s inspiring and-…


Remote/espensorvik

Evil Men Run The Media World And Must Be Stopped

New York, NY – A new study says men are behind more news stories than women by a nearly two-to-one margin across print and television platforms, though there was a slight increase in bylines and credits for women last year….


Health

Salt/no attribution required

You’re Eating Too Much Salt, Stupid

Atlanta, GA – Consuming too much sodium can be a risk factor for heart problems, and new federal data shows more than ninety percent of Americans eat too much. “We have to stop this epidemic!” said a Congressman. “People have…

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Vitamin Supplement Tablets/Ross

[Expletive Deleted] You, Vitamin D

Atlanta, GA – Scientists have challenged the belief that vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunshine can cause increased heart disease and deaths in winter. “Come to think of it,” said a scientist. “We really just kinda assumed not having…

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NS-2000/Twy2008

Loud Noises: Bad

New York, NY – Earlier this year the World Health Organization warned that over one billion young people are at risk of hearing loss because of personal audio devices, such as smartphones, and damaging levels of sound at entertainment venues…


Legal

Internet Money/uncredited

Failed Business Ventures Now Illegal

Washington DC – Federal regulators are going after people who raise money online through crowdfunding sites like Kickstarter and GoFundMe but don’t follow through on their promises. “All these sick bastards who dared to dream and then ask for money…

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Cell Phone/kev-shine

NSA’s Massive Domestic Spying Operation Might Be Illegal

New York, NY – A federal appeals court ruled against the National Security Agency’s bulk collection of telephone call information, completely rejecting the government’s legal justification for the program. “It’s our job to make these sorts of judgements,” said an…


Stocks/Poike

Trading Stocks Crashed Stock Market

London, UK – According to unsealed court documents, a high-frequency futures trader has been charged with illegally manipulating the stock market, contributing to the May 2010 “flash crash.” “You can’t click faster than this,” said a stock market expert in…


Military

F-15 Escort/Moorer

Russian Fighter Jet Almost Hugs US Fighter Jet

Washington DC – A Russian fighter jet, flying at high speed, came within ten feet of a US Air Force reconnaissance aircraft in international airspace over the Baltic Sea late last month. “First of all, no one likes a tattle…

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M-84/Sgt. Cumper

Army Invades Flint, Immediately Leaves In Disgust

Flint, MI – Homes shook in the sleepy town of Flint as the Army exploded ordinances down at the shuttered Lowell Junior High on the city’s east side. “We’re practicing because one day we’re going to have to kill a…


Money


Ghosts/Osmenda

Fed Bank Fights Ghosts

New York, NY – In trying to steer the economy of 2015, the Federal Reserve is fighting the foreboding spirit of 1937. “Oh no, we won’t try to explain what that means,” said a Federal Reserve officer. “Just know it…


Politics

Sissinghurst Castle/GraceKelly

Queen Evicted

London, UK – Britain’s Queen Elizabeth might have to move out of Buckingham Palace for an extended period under plans being considered to allow builders to carry out millions of pounds of repairs to the crumbling building. “Oy!” said a…

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Radio Station/M0TCX

Racist Word Used By President!

Washington DC – President Obama said the United States has not overcome its history of racism and is using the n-word to make his case. “Quick!” said a Republican. “Let’s use this for the next fifty years! Hurry, everyone, let’s…


Snow On Road/Jsayre64

Iowa Finally Shuts Its Mouth Hole

Davenport, IA – The Iowa Straw Poll, which receives massive amounts of attention and press coverage in presidential nominating years but usually has no impact on the outcome of the nominating process, will not take place this year. “Well, we…


Religion

Purple Drank/Stickpen

Americans More Confident In Something Than Religion

New York, NY – A new Gallup survey finds the church could be “losing its footing as a pillar of moral leadership in the nation’s culture” as Americans have less confidence in organized religion today than ever measured before. “We…

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Holy Cross/Duncan

Pope Leak 2015!

Rome, Italy – Italian magazine L’Espresso leaked Pope Francis’ hotly anticipated encyclical on climate change on its website yesterday, breaking an embargo on the document set for Thursday. “The Pope believes we should all live in caves and give up…

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Science

Golden People love Gold Jewelry Robots/epSos

Miss Universe Moved To Kraxo Tra’ll IV

Mexico City, Mexico – Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, an event partially owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s offensive remarks about Mexicans. “We’re offended!” said a sponsor. “I’m not sure what he said, but…

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Soviet Graves/Wilson

Scientist Claims We’re All Going To Die

Sydney, Australia – The Australian scientist who helped to wipe out smallpox predicts humans will probably be extinct within one hundred years because of overpopulation, environmental destruction and climate change. “Come on, dude,” said Donald ‘Donnie’ Glickman to his wingman…


Technology

GPS_Satellite_NASA_art-iif

Satellites To Provide The Future: The ‘Internet’

Space – The OneWeb satellite venture says it has raised a half billion dollars in funding for its plan to put more than six hundred satellites in orbit to provide low-cost global Internet access. “We’re happy to introduce… the internet!”…

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Woman and iPhone/jeshoots.com

iPhone Super Into Your Sex Life

London, UK – Apple’s iPhone will now let people track exactly how often, when and how they have sex. “It’s time we get all up in your business,” said a programmer. “Technically, you’ve waived that right after purchasing your 1985…



Travel

I-80/Minesweeper

Commuting Just Got Suckier

New York, NY – In a recent survey commissioned by Citi, sixty six percent of Americans have noticed an increase in their commuting costs with that number cresting twenty six hundred dollars annually. “It’s always a great day when we…

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Mountain Jungfrau/Adler

Naked Photos Trigger Massive Earthquake

Montreal, Canada – Malaysian tribal leaders blame a group of Western tourists, including two Canadians, for triggering a deadly earthquake by taking naked photos of themselves on a sacred mountain. “It’s important to respect all the religions of the world,”…



US

Portuguese Man O' War/Yuksel

Something Horrible Showed Up At The Jersey Shore

The Shore, New Jersey – The potentially deadly Portuguese man-of-war washed up at a Jersey Shore beach yesterday. “We’re stepping up patrols,” said a Coast Guard. “Oh, no, we’re not stopping illegals, drugs, gun smugglers, waste dumpers, or foreign ships…

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Oil Spill/Krüg

Investigators Baffled By Oil Spill

Santa Barbara, CA – The operator of an oil pipeline that broke and spilled thousands of gallons of crude across a scenic California shoreline says it could take weeks or even months before investigators find what caused the disaster. “My…


World

Taxi/Di Falco

French Drivers Sober Up, Revolt

Paris, France – Angry French taxi drivers disrupted traffic and slowed access to airports near Paris to protest the US online ride service UberPOP. “For us, this is a career!” exclaimed an animated Frenchman. “We know better than to aspire…

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Butcher In Morocco/Reiskoffer

Forty Year Old Chinese Smuggled Meat Found, Tasty

Beijing, China – According to officials and local media nearly half a billion dollars worth of smuggled frozen meat, including some which was more than forty years old, has been seized in China. “Look at all this meat!” exclaimed an…

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Kiyomizu-dera Buddhist Temple/Gillespie

Japan Trusts Teens To Run Country

Tokyo, Japan – The Land of the Rising Sun lowered the voting age to eighteen from twenty today, adding some two and a half million people to the country’s rapidly graying electorate. “We’re dying off, so the best thing to…


Laghi di Ubari/Galuzzi

Libya Bombs Someone A Few Times

Cairo, Egypt – The military spokesman of the internationally-recognized Libyan government says three foreigners were among seventeen killed in US airstrikes in eastern Libya, adding that it is too early to determine if an al-Qaida-linked militant leader was among them….