Seoul, South Korea – South Korea’s Defense Ministry reports North Korea test-fired four short-range missiles earlier this morning.

“And then he stuck out his tongue and then he made a face at me,” said the South Korean diplomat to the UN Security Council. “And then I told him to stop it but he just kept doing it so I told him I was going to tell and he called me a fat tattle-tale but I’m not. Can I got back outside now?”

“Look at me!” shouted North Korean diplomat during a UN meeting. “Look at me! Guys! Look at me! Look at what I’m doing. Look! Look at me! Guys, are you looking? Guys? Look at me! Look!” After tossing some papers into the air he added, “Look!”

Members of the Universe called the move “childish”, “this species barely qualifies as ‘intelligent’” and “I can’t believe we’ve pulled our scouts off of [emerging intelligent civilization on the other side of the Milky Way Galaxy] Fapp IV to watch these simple beings destroy themselves. A total waste of time.”

“It’s all coming together,” said North Korean general. “Expect some fireworks this Forth of July. Oh yes, fireworks.” After giving a sinister laugh he added, “that was meant to be genuine laughter, not sinister laughter. Please change your description. Change it. Change it, now! Fine, you’re all going to die!” After some light-hearted laughter he added, “that was supposed to be sinister.”

Sydney, Australia – Australian ‘researchers’ say people who live on vegetarian diets have slightly weaker bones than their meat-eating counterparts.

“We all knew vegetarians were weaklings, but never new how weak they were,” said a spokesman from the study’s sponsor. “But now we know that not eating delicious Spam makes you weak in the bones and in the head. Spam! Found in fine grocery stores around the world. Spam!”

“Hey! Why did you put researchers in quotes?” asked an Australian ‘researcher.’ “There! You did it again! Just because most of our ‘research’ is drinking doesn’t mean it doesn’t have legitimate scientific value. Wait a minute, did you put research in quotes?” After falling off his bar stool he added, “that was for ’science!’ Damn you!”

The study went on to conclude “come on, mate! Have some meat!”, “what Sheila doesn’t eat meat?” and “another successful study that conceals our hate for blacks and Jews. Oh, we’re very racist, you Yanks just don’t know it. Wait, am I still typing?”

“This is an outrage,” said a vegitarian from his bed. “If I weren’t so weak I’d stand up and punch you in the mouth. Oh, I guess that’s your point. Well played.” After recovering from fainting he added, “need…. water.”

Chicago, IL – United Airlines’ computers are back up and running at O’Hare International Airport, slowly easing long lines of passengers headed out for the Fourth of July holiday weekend.

“Our computers were down, but they’re back up and running,” said an airline spokesman. “At no point was our system compromised by terrorists or our own inept workers.” After dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief he added, “let’s all just keep buying tickets right up until the end. Yes, right up until the horrible end.”

“Whoops,” said a baggage handler as he tripped over a cord. “Where is this supposed to plug into? That telephone thingy or the wall part? Hey guys? Guys?” After getting no response from his coworkers he added, “okay, I’m going with wall part.”

Spokesman from other airlines called the news “typical”, “you never see us collectively messing up like that” and “we just run late, lose baggage, hire legally retarded people for all critical operations and charge you three times what you really should be paying. Duh.”

“So why did I wait for three hours to board an hour flight?” asked a tired traveler. “No, don’t tell me. It’s probably something stupid like the computers were down. Really? What the hell! I swear I will kill every last one- hey, what’s security doing here?”

London, UK – scientists have discovered a single mega-colony of Argentine ants has colonized much of the world.

“On behalf of the world, we surrender,” said a White House spokeswoman to the international press corp. “We can’t fight a three theater war and there’s no way the UN is going to do anything. The best thing we can do right now is try to negotiate an armistice that will prevent us from becoming their slaves. Questions?”

“Damn it, we’ve been discovered!” shouted an army ant into a subterranean transmitter. “Attack now! All units, attack!” After lighting a cigarette he added, “[expletive deleted]ing humans. Too smart for their own good. Unit 4502, attack! What? A glass cage? Damn it!”

The North West Anteater Breeding Club called the news “our worst nightmare”, “a vast majority of people laughed at us, but now who’s laughing” and “you do realize you can just step on them, right? I mean, you can buy our anteaters, but it’s just as easy to smush ‘em with your finger.”

“Oh sure, blame the airlines,” said an airline worker. “It’s all our fault that foreign animals and plants are transported all over the world and destroy fragile eco-systems.” After checking a passenger’s ID he added, “what? That was my apology.”

London, UK – Many people in the United States and Europe are seeing gorgeous lavender sunsets lately thanks to the eruption more than two weeks ago of Russia’s Sarychev Peak volcano which hurled massive plumes of sulfur dioxide into the air.

“There’s something sinister about this volcano, but I just can’t put my finger on it,” said a White House political consultant. “Wait a minute: this volcano was set off by the Republicans to stop gay marriage and ruin health care reform! Oh my God! We must kill all the Republicans! Don’t worry, I’ve already started!”

“Isn’t it a beautiful sunset?” asked Mrs. Satarighandi. “Henry? I said, isn’t it… Henry? Oh my God, Henry are you [coughs]… why is [heaving coughs]… my throat [indistinguishable through gagging].” After a few minutes of lying on the ground she gave one last spasm and was still.

The US Volcano Center called the eruption “telling”, “this new data really opens our eyes to the horrific calamity that’s about to envelop the earth” and “no need to worry: you won’t be able to do anything about it. Nope, just sit back and try to live out the remaining months of your petty little lives.”

“I guess volcanoes aren’t all bad,” said a local man. “Sure they poison the air, block the sun’s rays, burn untold millions of acres of land- but they sure make the sky pretty.” After a long sigh he added, “That’s all that matters. A pretty sky.”

Tehran, Iran – Iran’s embattled opposition leader urged his supporters to keep pressing for their rights, and the country’s reformist ex-president denounced what he called the regime’s “velvet coup” against those contesting the outcome of last month’s presidential election.

“Since no reporters are allowed in the country, this what guess the opposition leader would say,” said a top AP reporter. “We’re also guessing he’s a strong leader, but has a tender heart. He’s also reluctant to lead the revolution but eventually will for the love of a woman. Roll credits and we’re done.”

“Why are we still talking about Iran?” asked a confused news consumer. “It’s been over a month! I want to hear about celebrities who have died, local politicians who have made embarrassing mistakes and small special interest groups who are demanding we change our lives to fit their narrow view of the world. I don’t want to keep hearing old news!”

Local social networking sites call the ongoing protests “our greatest work”, “we totally did this” and “when the history books write about the new Iran, they’ll say that Facebook and Twitter elected Obama, overthrew the Ayatollah and saved the planet. Suck it, Friendster.”

“We’re not worried,” said a Pentagon official. “Just because a nation with nuclear material is in turmoil and could be ripped apart at any moment, who’s citizens would inevitably sell those materials on the black market which would be exploded on American soil in dirty bombs doesn’t mean… umm, sorry. I forgot where I was going with that.”

Chicago, IL – Advocacy groups report obesity rates continued to climb in the past year with twenty three US states reporting adults in their states are fatter now than they were a year ago.

“From now on no more carbs,” said a White House official. “What? You don’t freak out when we take over entire industries but you freak out if you can’t have bread? Seems like somebody need to prioritize. Carrot stick?”

“It’s because of the economy,” said a very fat man in a restaurant. “If I had more money, I’d eat better. Also it’s because of health issues. If we had better regulation from the FDA, I’d eat better. Also, it’s because of my family history. And the number of fast food ads. And living in a materialistic society. Ummm, that should cover me. Waitress?”

Group Watch, a watchdog group that watches watchdog groups, called the recent weight advocacy group’s comments “appropriate”, “you should hear what some nuclear watchdog groups have been saying about obesity. It’s becoming an industrialized nation epidemic” and “who watches us? Group Group Watch. They’re a pretty big group.”

“Who knows where America will be in a year,” said a historian. “We might be an even fatter nation, or we might be under the boot-heel of the Chinese/Russian Alliance, toiling in underground uranium mines this new powerhouse battles the last holdouts of Western Civilization battle in the former European Union. Who knows!”

New York, NY – The Institute for Supply Management, a trade group of purchasing executives, reported the economy might be recovering as its manufacturing index registered forty four point eight (44.8) in June, up from forty two point eight (42.8) in May.

“Finally,” said investing guru Ralph Dorrenger. “Now I can get back to doing what I do best: pushing stocks and collecting kickbacks. Wait a minute, did I say that or think that?” After a moment he added, “great, now I have to kill another reporter. Wait a minute.”

“This is the sign we’ve been waiting for,” said economic bandit Charles Dorrenger (no relation) to his associates as he wrapped his tie around his head. “We’ll rush out of the jungle and loot this new economy. No, [fellow bandit] Danny ['stock options' Stein] we can’t stop at Starbucks first.”

Recession Advocates call the news “disappointing”, “we need another Great Depression to make a Great Generation” and “we had a real good thing going until rampant government spending ruined it. Now we have to wait another three years before the dollar collapses.”

“Have you checked the other indexes?” asked a man with a newspaper. “They’re slowly climbing, but they all have a long way to go for a full recovery. Well if you’re nodding your head then why report on this one little index? You’re not going to say anything? Hey! Stop staring at me. Whatever.”

Seoul, South Korea – South Korea’s defense minister said North Korea appears to be enriching uranium, potentially giving the state that has twice tested a plutonium-based nuclear device another path to making atomic weapons.

“Hey, did you know they turned that ship around?” asked a Navy Admiral. “Yep, looks like they’re not going to blow up Hawaii this Forth of July. Yep, they’re just testing to see our reaction so once they have more nuclear weapons they can really do some damage.” After lighting his pipe he added, “all is right in the world.”

“I’m sick of North Korean news,” said a man. “Why can’t you talk about that Governor’s personal indescretions. Now there’s something newsworthy.” After watching the Governor cry about ‘crossing the line’ with other women he added, “oh yeah, that’s news.”

The National Nuclear Nation Alliance (NNNA) called the enrichment “no biggie”, “dude, we’re not going to freak out every time someone wants nuclear weapons. If we did we’d be freaking out all the time” and “where’s that boy with my Fritos? That’s right, we have a Frito boy in our club. Fritos.”

“We have to do something!” shouted an American. “Iraq did a lot less and we sacked them.” After a terse discussion with his liberal wife he added, “I guess it was a mistake.” After a brief shouting match he added, “that wasn’t meant to be disingenuous.”

Amsterdam, the Netherlands – Dutch researchers have found that depression among mothers can be related to excessive crying or colic, a common problem with newborns, but also said that little was known about whether fathers’ emotions and behavior also have an effect.

“Who knows what kind of damage you’ve done to your child,” said school child psychologist Dr. Scolities to Mr. and Mrs. David Rierson. “Because of your attitude, you made your son colicky, gave him ADHD, saddled him with low self-esteem, ruined any chances of him ever attaining spiritual enlightenment or scoring with a girl higher than a five. Possibly a five and a half. Good job.”

“Oh, we’re happy!” said a new father. “Happy, happy, happy!” After glancing around he added, “why aren’t you smiling? Smile around the baby! Happy! Honey, we’re happy, right? See how much she’s nodding her head? Happy!”

The American Medical Association (AMA) added “maybe the Dutch should stick to what they do best, dealing and hooking”, “oh, we’re well aware of the ‘discoveries’ the Dutch have made” and “[expletive deleted] you, [Dutch ethnic slur omitted]ers!”

“Duh,” said a mother of three. “Children learn everything from their parents. If you have a bad day, or are depressed, you need to talk to your children and tell them why mommy or daddy is sad. Spending time with the family is a great way to relieve depression.” After a moment she added, “[expletive deleted]ing Dutch.”

The Food and Drug Administration has assembled more than thirty five experts to discuss ways to prevent overdose with acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, which is attributed to fifty six thousands cases of liver failure in the last year.

“Just because millions of people take Tylenol and generic acetaminophen knockoffs doesn’t mean we have to panic,” said a man as he looted a local Sears. “Just to be clear, I’m panicking for several reasons. I think the Tyenol thing is fifth or sixth on my list. Now, help me with this grill and I’ll let you keep what’s in the register. Oh, never mind! It has wheels.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,” said an FDA official as he leaned back in his chair. “That’s what I forgot to do. The Tylenol warning thing. Sorry about that guys, I really dropped the ball. Okay, umm, give me a few minutes to find that file and we can sort this whole ‘liver explosion’ thing out. Whew, my office is a mess!”

A major pharmaceutical manufacturer told its shareholders “you have nothing to worry about”, “as long as they don’t realize [common household drug omitted] causes brain bleeding, we’re fine” and “of course, we’d like them to stay away from [common household drug omitted] as well as [another common household drug omitted], and to a lesser extent, [a really common household drug omitted]. Only time will tell.”

“What else are they hiding from us?” screamed paranoid Jimmy Phan from his padded cell. “Wait a minute, I’m not saying this out-loud, I’m just thinking it. Oh my God! They got to you too? No!”

Sacramento, CA – According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, of the forty six states whose fiscal year ends today, thirty two did not have budgets passed and approved by their governors as of yesterday afternoon.

“There’s nothing to worry about,” said a state Governor. “If the state shuts down citizens will just have to police themselves and put out their own fires. And hold their own star-chamber style courts. Oh, and dump their garbage somewhere.” After thinking it over he added, “don’t freak out! You’ll do just as good, if not better than we’ve done.”

“For some reason the citizens won’t pay for stuff,” said a mid-level state official. “Before we could tax them for everything and use that money to subsidize pointless joint business projects or give it to the poor, but now people will only pay for services they use. What the hell is going on?”

The Maritime Club called the budget crisis “really bad”, “you want more than that? Okay, it’s not good” and “why do you need three quotes from us? We have nothing to do with this story and you- fine. Umm, we lost all faith in government and plan to live at sea. Happy?”

“What’s shocking is it took a recession for people to challenge run-away government spending,” said Katherine Ferris. “Why couldn’t people recognize these wasteful spending habits two decades ago?” She tapped her foot expectantly and added, “well?”

New York, NY – New research reveals nearly fifteen percent of all teenagers think they’re going to die young, leading many to drug use, suicide attempts and other unsafe behavior.

“We need to medicate these kids now!” said a White House spokeswoman. “In the interest of teen safety, we’re dumping billions of pure Lexapro into the public’s water. Sure, people will protest for the first few days, but soon they’ll mellow out.”

“Maybe if they weren’t such pimply-faced losers they’d do better,” said tough love speaker Charley ‘Zapp with two P’s’ Zapp. “I’ve been going to more and more teen funerals. Sadly, they always happen after my speaking engagements. Oh well, one less piece of [expletive deleted] loser in the world, right?”

The local Raising a Teen Survivor’s Club called the news “glorious”, “just when you think all is lost… Oh, it’s a happy day!” and “wait, they only think they’re going to die young? Do they actually die young? Well hell, that’s a big tease.”

“I don’t know why they would think that,” said a big-time Hollywood producer. “I’m sure you’re here to blame me for middle American teens wanting to live life like the movies, but let me assure you, that’s not how we market ourselves.” After pointing to a huge cardboard cutout of Megan Fox with a sign that reads ‘you can have this too if you take ridiculous risks and aren’t afraid to die young’ and said “mention this to no one.”

Tooele, UT – Grasshoppers are regular summer visitors and a perennial crop-eating pest for farmers, but this year’s invasion in Tooele County is worse than anyone can remember with up to two thousand grasshoppers per square foot.

“It’s as if God were somehow angry at the people of Utah,” said a Utahian as he fiddled with his CTR ring. “But what are we doing that would bring such horrors upon us? Tell us Lord, tell us!”

“This is like that birds movie,” shouted a man covered in grasshoppers. “Except with grasshoppers!” After spitting out a few grasshoppers he added, “I’m going to stop talking now.”

SWARM (Smart Warlike Animals Reacting to Man) called the pestilence “very appropriate”, “you guys had your turn on top of the food chain and you destroyed the Earth. Consider this your forced resignation” and “we’ll gross you out to death! Wait, Victor? Is that the best slogan we could come up with? I know it’s short notice, but that can’t be the- okay, okay. Don’t rupture your thorax. Jez.”

“These things always happen to me,” said drama queen and soy farmer Betty Bongiorno. “Just my luck. Well, I guess this is some payback for my past misdeeds. Yep, it’s all my fault. Karma. Vengeful God. Comeuppance. Murphy’s Law.” After a depressed sigh she added, “wait, did you say grasshoppers?”

Washington DC – A survey released today shows American adults from young to old disagree increasingly today on social values ranging from religion to relationships, creating the largest generation gap since the 1960’s.

“This disturbing trend ends now,” said a White House spokeswoman. “The President has ordered all generations to get along. We can’t have this kind of social breach on the eve of the greatest war America has ever fought.” After shuffling though her papers she added, “okay, now my main announcement: the greatest war America has ever fought.”

“I don’t normally panic like this, but this is too much!” said John ‘Bruce’ Rodgers in-between deep breaths from a brown paper bag. “I normally don’t talk to the press either, but someone has to do something!” After a few more breaths he added, “I normally breathe normal air, but… you know.”

The National Revolution Board added “finally, a quantitative answer to the question: wasn’t the 60’s a great time”, “you know, ever since the creation of this board we really have lost our edge” and “session closed. Everyone into the epson salt tub!”

“Isn’t that our job?” asked a teen. “I mean, if we went with the establishment, nothing would change. Nothing.” After a second he added, “nothing.”