Another Super Earth Found

Houston, TX – Astronomers announced after a year and a half of a pointing failure threatened to derail its epochal search for worlds beyond our solar system, NASA’s Kepler spacecraft has bagged another planet.

“I don’t know why we’d open with our failure, but we are,” said a scientist. “We really have been screwing up for the past year and a half, but we’re hoping that this one discovery will make it all worth while.” After a long pause he added, “or this is just another screw up.”

“This super Earth is far superior to the other super Earths we’ve found,” said a nerd. “Because it’s bigger, yet closer to it’s sun, so…” He took a hit from his asthma inhaler, adding, “interesting, right? Okay, then can you give me data on what is an appropriate conversation starter, because I’m batting a thousand. That’s good? How is getting a one good?”

The Intergalactic Consortium of Planets called the discovery “an open act of war”, “if these things try to settle Bre’thal we must destroy them” and “the only thing fourth dimensional beings respond to is strength. Savages.”

“So, in conclusion, the thing we paid a ton of money to make is telling us what we want to hear,” said a White House official. “Is that… are we cool? Great.” He checked his phone, adding, “I got a thing. Excuse me.”

Floating Venus City Ruined By Homeless Pan-Handlers

Space – NASA is proposing the High Altitude Venus Operational Concept (HAVOC), a conceptual spacecraft which will act as a floating city above Venus. “What better way to blow a few billion?” asked a top NASA official. “Yes, a moon base would be pretty cool, but that’s actually doable. You see, the beauty of dealing with idiots is you just tell them you can do ...

An Emboldened North Korea Talks Romanian-Level Smack

Seoul, South Korea – North Korea claims President Barack Obama is “recklessly” spreading rumors of a Pyongyang-orchestrated cyberattack of Sony Pictures and warns of strikes against the White House, Pentagon and “the whole US mainland, that cesspool of terrorism.” “We will crush the US!” screamed a North Korean diplomat. “We will overrun them with our morals and- what? No, you’re not that big. We’ve seen ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News! If you don’t get it, just click around until you do. The season is upon us! Time to put aside our mindless panic about some Senator’s comments about something and focus our collective worry on buying things that’ll meet other people’s unspoken expectations! Best of luck, ya’ll! Have a safe weekend.

Live Forever With Drugs!

London, UK – A new study finds regular doses of ibuprofen could allow people to live up to twelve years longer. “Who knows how it works, but it works,” said a man with a clipboard. “That’s the beauty of science, you don’t have to understand it for it to work.” He marked something off on ...

Any Cell Phone Is Hackable, Listenable, Spyable

Berlin, Germany – German researchers have discovered security flaws that could let hackers, spies and criminals listen to private phone calls and intercept text messages on a potentially massive scale, even when cellular networks are using the most advanced encryption now available. “All you do is hit the pound button,” said a German researcher. After ...

Less Nukes Leaves US Open To Attacks

Washington DC – The State Department under secretary for arms control and international security, spoke at the Brookings Institution yesterday where she reaffirmed the United States’ “unassailable” commitment to putting the nuclear weapons genie back in the bottle. “So is this good or bad?” asked an American. “Are we winning the war or losing? Should ...

Good News Goes Unreported As Ireland Repays Debt Years Early

Dublin, Ireland – Ireland has repaid nine billion euros to the International Monetary Fund several years early, a move that saves heavy interest costs and illustrates the strong Irish rebound after its bailout. “You all were so quick to chastise us when we were failing!” yelled an angry Irishman. “But when we restructured, drew in ...