{ Sep }
2

Another Rig Explodes

Grand Isle, LA – The Coast Guard is responding to another oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Truth be told we usually lose one a week,” said a top oil executive. “You won’t believe how delicate these rigs are. If you stomp on the stairs, it’ll blow up. Light a match? It’ll blow up. Cough? Nah, that won’t set it off, unless you cough twice. Then it’ll- why that’s right, blow up. Say, have you worked in oil before?”

“Another one? Or did we just go backwards in time that that show Flash-Backwards?” asked an avid television viewer. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s called Flash-Backwards. Wait, or is that real life and this is television? Oh my God! Not again!”

The Gulf Survivors, a group of people who were around for both Katrina and the first rig explosion, called the new explosion “the worst thing that could ever happen to us”, “where’s our government money?” and “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie! No? Racist!”

“I’ll tell you something that will never blow up: the sun,” said an environmentalist. “Well, it will eventually blow up, but right now it’s blow-up-proof. But yes, technically, the sun is scheduled to blow up in a few billion years, but right now- yes, I admit, it will blow up, but right now- okay, it will blow up, but- okay, but-”

Hurricane’s Name Is Earl

San Juan, Puerto Rico – Hurricane Earl lashed the northeastern Caribbean as a still-growing Category Tres storm on a course that could threaten the eastern United States later this week. “It’s been five years since Katrina and the suffering grows every year,” said a weather reporter. “We’re all hoping that this one will be the one, but we have to be realistic. One day ...

Flooding The Gulf With Oil Is The Best Option

New Orleans, LA – The federal government said it will start work to remove the temporary cap that stopped oil from gushing out of BP’s blown-out Gulf well so that engineers can raise a key piece of equipment from the seabed. “We didn’t think the well would be capped so soon,” said a top White House official. “And, if I could be perfectly honest, elections ...

America Stops Having Kids

New York, NY – The US birth rate has dropped for the second year in a row, and experts think the recession led many people to put off having children. The 2009 birth rate also set a record: lowest in a century. “We need you to have more children,” said a top White House official. ...

The Grand Canyon May Lose ‘Grand’ Status

Denver, CO – In an eighty-page “State of the Parks” report, the National Parks Conservation Association analyzed the most serious threats to the Grand Canyon which include air pollution and future mining operations. “We have to protect the Grand Canyon,” said Grand Canyon tour guide Teddy ‘Grand Canyon’ Canton. “Because if we lose it, then ...

Zombies Get Big Payout

St. Paul, MN – The Minneapolis city attorney’s office has decided to pay seven zombies and their attorney one hundred sixty five thousand dollars. “It’s time the city of Minneapolis recognizes zombie’s rights,” said the attorney. “It’s time they stop treating zombies like second-class citizens. It’s time they recognize that zombies are more than just ...

FDA Poisoned By Power Grab, Sicken By Own Ambition

Washington DC – The Food and Drug Administration chief said her agency is limited by law to a mostly reactive stance on food safety and argued that it needs a more “preventive approach.” “We need more power!” said a FDA official as he thumped his desk with his fists. “If we were allowed to execute ...

People Don’t Like War

Lawrence, MA – According to a new AP poll, a majority of Americans see no end in sight in Afghanistan, and nearly six in ten oppose the nine-year-old war as President Barack Obama sends tens of thousands more troops to the fight. “Who else would know exactly how to conduct a war than the American ...