Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome back to Calamity News, where the end is always a news story away!

The news has always been made up of what we call the ‘no way out’ narrative, which includes the run-of-the-mill weather disasters, slaying, shootings, fires, arsons, kidnappings and accidents (private and industrial), most of which have nothing to do with you.

In the past two decades the news outlets have amped up the ‘no way out’ stories by placing you, the reader/viewer, in to the story. Could the shooter in this story be living next to you? Will this foreign country attack us? Are terrorists living among us? Is that seemingly benign household object really deadly? Will you or your loved ones die in the same manner as the people in this story? Etc.

We poke fun at these stories, taking them to their logical extreme, placing you in the center of a world run by incompetent bureaucrats, hawkish military leaders and cut-throat middle-managers. In fact, the only ‘normal’ person can usually be found in the last paragraph: an ordinary man with fairly reasonable/logical views on the story. Yes, we base that character on you, the reader. You’re welcome.

Have a safe Labor Day weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for choosing Calamity News. Sit back and enjoy the show. Don’t let the news get you down, life doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. A wise man once said “don’t worry, be happy” and then some other guy made a song about it. Have a safe weekend.

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, where calamity meets news! Sure, you could worry about the economy, about the war, about smoking in mass media, about bull attacks or killer eggs. You could bite your fingernails down thinking about a Muslim president or if older women really do like younger men. Hell, the very thought of the CIA’s failures to keep secrets, China’s military ambitions or the idea that your cell phone could blow up a plane could keep you up for days at a time, but why sweat it? No, we’re asking you: why? Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, the only weekday, satirical, online website that isn’t seventy five percent ads (we’ve been subtly plugging sponsors in our stories). An unemployed person asked us a few days ago, ‘so what’s the deal was with that flight attendant? Everyone keeps talking about it.’ She didn’t have immediate access to a computer, ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome to Calamity News, the safest place on the web (we’re in an underground reinforced bunker). The world is out to get you. It’s trying to kill you with terrorism, gay marriage, heat, lemonade, WWII ufos, fat Americans, thieves, bombs, smart phones, dust, cold cuts, China, expensive theme parks and status updates. Trust us, the world specifically targeting you. Good thing the news lets you know every second of every day. Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

Thank you for reading Calamity News, or at least reading our Twitter headlines. We’ve learned a lot this week: college is a total waste of money, trying to help your body only hurts it, China is going to crush us all, people freak out if you compile a lot of free information together, the Amish ...

Thoughts For The Weekend

Welcome back to Calamity News, the best only place on the planet where we drank the Kool-Aid, died, came back to life, started our own religion based on our experiences and then gave up when our members refused to kill themselves. Don’t judge us. According to our news outlets, death is always at our door, yet massive sinkholes, North Korea, rabid airline passengers, out of control Congressional spending, druid archeologists, drugged children, a death star, foreign and domestic oil spills, racist farmers, military lasers and people with accents haven’t killed us. We wonder why… Have a safe weekend!

Thoughts For The Weekend

We’d like to take a moment and congratulate ourselves, for four years of Calamity News! Monday marked the four year anniversary of Calamity News (and the one year anniversary of our fancy new format)! In the past four years we’ve created almost forty seven hundred posts, over a million words and a lot of memories. ...