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We Think We’re Not But We Are, And That’s Not Good

New York, NY – A new poll finds many Americans have skewed perceptions when it comes to their weight, often believing they are thinner than they really are, even when the scales are shouting otherwise.

“Don’t forget: it’s your job to be thin,” said a doctor. “If you’re not looking like the girls on TV, then you’re doing something wrong. Everyone must look at you and go ‘damn girl!’ This is the one and only thing you should concentrate on for your entire life, until you get old and too ugly to live. At least, that’s the AMA’s view.”

“Did someone just call me fat?” asked a very fat man. “Who just said I was fat? I can’t see them, but I know someone called me fat. Yes, my face might be a little chubby and some of that extra skin could be obscuring my eyes, but I’m not fat. What? Who said that?”

The National Skinny Association of America (NSAA) called the news “troubling”, “we used to look so good. What ever happened to that glorious emaciated 80s look?” and “hell, we’d even settle for ‘athletic’ right now. Skinny is the goal, but… well, we’re all making cutbacks.”

“Most Americans have skewed views on everything,” reasoned an American. “We think we’re the best even though we’re six-pack-drinking idiots who like reality TV, have a two party system and can’t exercise any financial restraint. We’re also self-obsessed, loud-mouthed, invaders. No? Fair enough.”

Research Proves Thing We Knew Years Ago

London, UK – British researchers recently discovered that physical activity can reduce the genetic tendency toward obesity by forty percent. “Oh my God!” shouted a scientist. “Guys! I’ve just discovered that exercise stops you from getting fat! Quickly, we must patent this before… why are you all looking at me like that? Is there something on my face? [Associate] Joe [Barley, PhD]? Is there something ...

Get Vaccinated Or Die, Die

Washington DC – Flu-shot season is upon us already, and for the first time health authorities are urging nearly everyone to get vaccinated. “Before we would just urge the people we liked to get vaccinated,” said a health official. “But now we’re urging everyone to get vaccinated. Yes, even the poor, blacks, people with bad teeth, single mothers, gays and people who don’t like monster ...

Don’t Drink And You’ll Die

Philadelphia, PA – A new paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that abstaining from alcohol does actually tend to increase one’s risk of dying even when you exclude former drinkers. “How is that possible?” asked a middle-aged non-drinker. “So I’ve essentially wasted my life by not drinking? All of those ...

Don’t Bother: All Food Is Poison

Buffalo, NY – The US Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced the recall of approximately four hundred thousand pounds of deli meat products that may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes. “No, we’re different than the FDA,” said a FSIS agent. “We inspect food and issue recalls where the FDA can inspect ...

Eggs Will Kill You

Washington DC – An outbreak of salmonella illnesses linked to shell eggs has prompted a nationwide recall of thirteen brands of eggs produced by an Iowa company and triggered a multi-state investigation that is expected to grow. “There’s no need to panic,” said a major egg provider. “Just know that the main ingredient in everything ...

Getting Hit In Head Is Bad

New York, NY – Scientists have found evidence connecting head injuries in athletes to Lou Gehrig’s disease. “We think that repeated knocks to the head might do some sort of damage,” said a doctor. “But we’re not sure. So, like all good scientists, we’re testing the effects on these college students. Oh, don’t worry, we’ve ...

New Pandemic Arrives Just In Time

London, UK – People getting cosmetic surgery in India have brought back to Britain a new gene that allows any bacteria to become a superbug, and scientists are warning this type of drug resistance could soon appear worldwide. “Just yesterday the World Health Organization declared the swine flu pandemic was over,” said a doctor. “We ...