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Shop As Fast As You Can

Washington DC – The owners of the Gallery Place commercial strip have installed a ‘Mosquito,’ an anti-loitering unit that emits high-frequency noise to irritate passerby who linger.

“For some reason, business is way down,” said a shop owner. “But I don’t know why. It’s almost as if window shoppers are being forced to move. But what can trump impulse buying?” When we explained the Mosquito he added, “ah, no, I wasn’t being sarcastic. Thank you for that info. I’m going to write the owners right now. Excuse me.”

“I’m going as fast as I can,” shouted a man on crutches. “Stop that noise! Oh my God, I can’t move any faster, I’m cripple! Please, stop that horrible noise!” As he fell to the ground, clutching his ears he shouted, “something about this doesn’t seem right!”

The Better Business Bureau called the noise device “ingenious”, “it’s much safer than our recommendation on how to deal with the public. What is it? Ah, you really don’t want to know” and “ethnic jokes and spitting. Yep, that’s what we recommend. America was different in our charter year.”

“They’re not just targeting teens, they’re targeting everyone,” said a consumer. “That’s kinda stupid. Right? That’s stupid? Hey, is that stupid? I’m stupid? How about you’re stupid. Stupid.” This went on for some time until our reporter spat, made a Polish joke and ran away.

Most Americans Given Free Money With No Ramifications

Washington DC – Government anti-poverty programs that have grown to meet the needs of recession victims now serve a record one in six Americans and are continuing to expand. “It’s our job to provide for Americans,” said a White House official. “And it’s their job to keep voting us in. No, we really don’t have a long-term solution to the economic crisis. We’re hoping for ...

Recession Double Double Dips

Washington DC – The latest wave of downbeat economic data, including today’s report on gross domestic product, have renewed fears that we could be headed for the second half of a “double dip” recession. “There are four recessions,” argued a Federal Reserve official. “The dip, the first half of the double dip, the second half of the double dip and the last dip. There are ...

Stocks Fall Because Stocks Are Falling

New York, NY – Stocks fell moderately today as investors continued a sell-off that began a day earlier over worries about the pace of the recovery. “Just because we’re not recovering as fast as we should be, doesn’t mean we’re falling apart,” said a Federal Bank employee. “We are just slowly deteriorating into a permanent ...

Youths Have No Jobs, Idea About The Value Of A Dollar

New York, NY – The International Labor Organization (ILO) reports global youth unemployment has hit a record high following the financial crisis and is likely to get worse later this year. “Oh, you think it’s bad now, just wait until next year,” said a member of the organization. “I mean, it’s gonna be worse. How ...

Feds Bust Up Small Business, Lemonade Stand

Portland, OR – A county official in Oregon has apologized after health inspectors soured a seven-year-old’s business venture by shutting down her lemonade stand. “She didn’t have a small business permit and she was operating out of a residential zone,” said a inspector as he kicked the ashes of what was the lemonade stand. “She’s ...

News Worth About A Dollar

New York, NY – The failing ‘news’ magazine Newsweek was purchased over the weekend for one dollar. “The magazine is stronger than ever,” claimed the buyer. “Millions of people read the news everyday and- what? Inter-what? What-net?” After scratching his head he added, “I understand both of those words separately, but together they make no ...

Your Job Will Kill You, Yes, You

Washington DC – According to new research a person’s occupation could play in role in how they die. “Everyone hates their job, right?” said a researcher. “So it must be bad to work, and bad things hurt you, therefor, your job is killing you.” After sticking his thumbs in his suspenders and nodding he added, ...