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Today Is The Only Day You’re Going To Make Money On The Stock Market

New York, NY – Stocks jumped today after surprisingly strong growth in US and Chinese manufacturing allayed some of the worries that had been building over the global economy in recent weeks.

“Yes, one indicator is up!” shouted a day trader. “I’m going to base the entire month on this one number! Honey! Buy that boat, we’re in back in the black!” After popping a champagne bottle he shouted, “hookers for everyone!”

“This is good news,” said a businessman. “This means my portfolio is up for at least a day which means no suicide plans for today.” After tucking a long piece of rope back into his briefcase he added, “good day!”

The NASDAQ called the news “troubling”, “when they’re up, we’re down. And we’ve been getting used to being up” and “looks like our agents on the inside are getting lazy. Maybe a few family killings will up the ante. Are you still recording?”

“Does this mean we’re out of the recession?” asked an unemployed welder. “Okay, so does this mean we’re recovering? Okay, then what does it mean? Nothing? Then why the hell are you making such a big stink about it? Well, maybe you should think before you talk. Ass.”

Feds Investigate Why People Are Trying To Avoid Debt

New York, NY – The amount consumers owed on their credit cards dropped to its lowest level in eight years, as cardholders continued to pay off balances in the uncertain economy. “Why are they doing this?” asked a credit card company spokesman. “Don’t they know it’s their job as Americans to buy stuff they can’t afford? Hey, it’s not like you have to pay for ...

Crap Economic News Makes Economy Crappier

Washington DC – The latest economic data out this week confirmed a gloomier forecast issued by the Federal Reserve after its regular rate-setting meeting. “Told you so,” said a Fed officer. “Granted, we set the economic climate and by saying we’re going to have a double-dip recession makes companies hold off on hiring and banks hold off on lending, which ensures a double-dip recession, but ...

Online Grade Gambling Finally Available

Washington DC – A website called Ultrinsic is taking wagers on grades from students at thirty six colleges nationwide starting this month. “This is great! I put fifty bucks on [Stanton] Scollard to place in psych 101, show in calculus and win in both of his major introduction classes,” said gambler “Maybe I should ...

Feds Save Money They Never Had

Washington DC – The government is expected to announce the 2010 Census will cost one point six billion less than had been budgeted, partly because no natural or manmade disaster disrupted the population count. “We will use this money to help the American people,” said a Congressman. “A billion will be used to form a ...

Rich To Give Away Riches, Poor To Squander It On Golden Trash Bins

Chicago, IL – More than three dozen of America’s wealthiest individuals and families have joined Bill Gates and Warren Buffett in agreeing to give away at least half their fortunes to charity. “After taxes, loan repayments, estate bills and various fees, we should have about fifty grand left,” said a billionaire. “And yes, you guys ...

China Becomes Second Best

Shanghai, China – China has overtaken Japan to become the world’s second-largest economy, the fruit of three decades of rapid growth that has lifted hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. “It’s time the world recognizes China as an economic power,” said a China man. “Soon the world will rise and fall on our ...

No One Believes Things Will Get Better, Why Should You?

Washington DC – According to an Associated Press survey of leading economists, the US economic recovery will remain slow deep into next year, held back by shoppers reluctant to spend and employers hesitant to hire. “We feel it’s important to base news on surveys of people,” said an AP editor. “After all, who really reads ...