San Francisco, CA – Some scientists have speculated that effects of humans, from hunting to climate change, are fueling another great mass extinction.
“No one’s hitting the reset button,” said a top Pentagon official. “First of all, there is no reset button. Secondly, we’d do it with several waves of nuclear strikes. And thirdly, we would never do it on a holiday weekend. So you can party hard on Sunday, people, for it shall be the last Sunday you party on.”
“The changing climate, the hunting of animals, the constant building, the release of Cats: the Musical- it all points to one thing,” said Dr. Barney P. Roupper. “I don’t have to finish that sentence, look where I’m pointing.” Much to our chagrin, he was pointing to the words ‘Mass Extinction’ written on the chalkboard behind him.
The creator of the Doomsday Clock called the speculation “troubling”, “this whole thing started because we couldn’t find a big battery to power the clock and now we’re all caught in this ‘five before midnight’ scenario” and “why yes, the clock was designed to signal the end of the world. Why else would I have built it?”
“What can we do to stop this mass extinction?” asked a human. “You don’t know? Then who does?” After we did a lot of internet research it turns out there really is no one who does know, to which the guy asked, “why would the press make up these scientists who are predicting a mass extinction?”
