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BlackBerry Makes A Great Business Phone, Evil Spy Device

Dubai, United Arab Emirates – Dubai’s police chief said national worries about spying by the US and Israel spurred plans to sharply limit BlackBerry services in the United Arab Emirates.

“We can’t afford to have foreigners reading our texts,” said a top UAE official. “Then they’ll know all the good lunch spots or how late we’re going to be to dinner. Think of what they could do with that information! Think of the destruction!”

“Everyone is a spy!” shouted an iPhone user. “I knew it! Why else would everyone be looking at me every time I use my iPhone? I mean, my iPhone and me are like me and me but with iPhone replacing the first me. What? Me? I? Me?” After checking his teeth in the reflection of his iPhone he whispered, “I love me.”

A spokesman for the Canadian Security Intelligence Service called the accusation “ridiculous”, “just because BlackBerry is hosted in another country doesn’t mean that country’s intelligence agency is using it as an undetectable global surveillance system” and “why is the SCIS commenting? Ummm, because we… the thing is, if… what? Oh, darn, I gotta go.”

“As paranoia spreads, more countries will impose a self-isolation, which will spread further paranoia,” said Dr. Hammond. “War will inevitably break out, which will lead to nuclear war, which will destroy a projected ninety eight percent of all life on Earth. In conclusion, the… damn it. Lost my train of thought.”

Proven: Adults Use Phones

Atlanta, GA – According to a new study, seventy two percent of them American adults now send and receive text messages. “In our continuing series on ‘proving the obvious’ we present our latest discovery: adults text!” said Dr. Reginald J. Tipperson. After the light applause died down he added, “next week we shall prove that a vast majority of people involuntarily do something hundreds of ...

FCC Pleas For Help

Washington DC – Federal regulators are seeking public input on what rules should apply to services that aren’t part of the Internet but are delivered over broadband connections. “We’re not sure how to do our job,” said a top FCC official. “So we’re asking the public to do it for us. No, that’s not absurd, they pay us so why shouldn’t they- wait, that is ...

The Internet To Kill All Books By 2028

London, UK – Publisher Oxford University Press reports the burgeoning demand for the dictionary’s online version has far outpaced demand for the printed versions and one day the dictionary may only be available online. “Students will no longer have to labor through a musty old book to find out how to spell perspicacity,” said a ...

Top Secret Satellite Tracked By Des Moines Amateur Astronomy Club

Sydney, Australia – According to astronomers, the US military’s top secret X-37B shuttle ‘disappeared’ and when it was found two weeks later it had changed its altitude and orbit. “They found it?” asked a top Pentagon official. “How did a bunch of amateurs find our top secret war machine? And how did the press get ...

Software Predicts Who Will Kill, Be Killed

Philadelphia, PA – New crime software is being rolled out in the nation’s capital to predict which individuals on probation or parole are most likely to murder and to be murdered. “It’s not murder if we kill the killer before he can kill,” said a cop as he wiped the blood off of his face. ...

Pentagon Denies WikiLeaks Affair

Stockholm, Sweeden – WikiLeaks founder said the Pentagon has expressed willingness to discuss the online whistleblower’s request for help in reviewing classified documents from the Afghan war and removing information that could harm civilians. The Pentagon denied any direct contacts with WikiLeaks. “Oh, we’ve had a ton of indirect contact with WikiLeaks,” said a top ...

Change Your Name To Escape Your Past

Seattle, WA – Google’s CEO has claims the private lives of young people are now so well documented on the internet that many will have to change their names on reaching adulthood. “That’s why I named my child ‘Cody Dakota Bryce,’” said a proud father. “Anyone with that kinda name is gonna do some pretty ...