Chicago, IL – With three police officers killed in separate instances in two months, and calls from some Illinois lawmakers for the National Guard to patrol its most violent streets, Chicago once again finds itself under growing pressure to rein in crime.
“You want us to reign in crime?” asked a high-ranking police official. “That’s odd.” After a very long stare he added, “I’m sorry, what was the question? I was thinking about my new yacht. Crime? Oh yeah, crime is good. We’re all over crime.”
“Granted, this year isn’t the worst on record,” said a State Assemblyman. “It’s not even in the top ten, but since the climate is one of fear and panic, we figure we’d cash in on the crisis.” After lighting a cigar he added, “after all, it’s our job to be corrupt. Yes, I’m pretty sure it is. I’d say look it up on the State charter, but we sold it for some caged women. Delish.”
The Mayor of Chicago’s sister city Busan of the Republic of Korea noted “we’re having the same problem”, “just like Chicago, we fear our neighbors to the north” and “maybe the ‘street urchin exchange program’ wasn’t the best idea.”
“Isn’t crime a persistent problem in all major cities?” asked a city dweller. “So how is this new information. Yes, the news should be new, the word ‘new’ is literally the first part of news. New. News. Now gimmie your wallet or I’ll stab you. I’ll do it! I swear!”
