Sydney, Australia – Australian rescuers were on Friday trying to solve the “Mary Celeste” style mystery of a yacht found floating off the coast with its engine running, food on its table ready to eat, but no crew.

“We suspect foul play,” said a detective with no shirt but wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat and smoking a nice pipe. “It was either the first mate who was having an affair with the rich man’s wife, the rich man and his gay lover the engineer, or pirates. I suspect pirates.”

The Ultra Rich Association (URA) claim the ship’s occupants were so rich they “followed proper ultra-rich protocol and had the food made on the ship, then ate it on a bigger ship” and added “usually we burn the first ship so no poor people can get it” and ended with “excuse me, I have to have my servants wash me. You poor smell.”

“That was a test run,” said a demon from the underworld. “It went pretty much flawlessly. We’re gonna take all the souls in Australia this weekend and if that goes well we should be able to take the rest of the world by Tuesday. Eh, I don’t mind telling you, there’s nothing you can do to stop us. Cheers!”