Wright City, MO – A local man who went to the post office to pick up a novelty phone he ordered over the Internet was alarmed that the package was ticking. The bomb squad opened the package to reveal it was the ticking Winnie the Pooh phone he ordered last week on Ebay, like we said in the first sentence.

“Yeah, normally we blow the package up and then say it was a bomb, but this time we opened it,” said a member of the bomb squad. “Now I have to take the next dare. Sucks.”

Winnie the Pooh collectors across the world call the incident “isolated” and “we’ve never blown stuff up before, why would we start now?” They added “unless someone talks [expletive deleted] about Winnie, then we’ll blow your [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted] up.”

“Once a nation gives up its rights and allows its police force to blow up its stuff, said nation falls apart,” said a woman who chronicles the fall of great Empires. “If this keeps up, America will die in a few more weeks. Hold on, that math is wrong. A few days. Wait. A few days. Sorry, I’m more of a historian than a math person.”