New York, NY – Wall Street bounded higher today after Google Inc. (GOOG) led a series of stronger earnings reports that propelled the Dow Jones industrials further into record terrain and toward the 13,000 mark.

“Bad, bad, bad things will happen once the Dow hits unlucky thirteen,” said local prognosticator Tarret Elsbogwife. “And if Tarret says it, it has to be true! From that look I take it you haven’t heard my radio ads.”

Industrialists rub their chubby hands together and roll their smoldering cigars in their mouths as they watch numbers scroll out of an old ticker machine. They had no comment besides mumbled chucking that sounded a little like the word, “money.”

“Civil war will begin, famine followed by pet eating will become common and we’ll be forced into huge machines made to crush humans for their sweet juices,” said a traveling knife salesman. “So buy some knives today! Yes, today! No, today! Today! Knives! Ah, forget it.”