South America – A crisis between three Latin American nations worsened today when Venezuela said it was closing its border with Colombia, even as frantic diplomatic talks to stave off war were about to begin.

“Oh, we don’t want to tip our hand, but trust me, only good can come out of this,” said a White House spokesman. “We’ve ran the simulation a few times and are confident that we’ll win World War Three, or as it will be known in the future, the Last War. Sure, things might get a little worse before they get better, but trust me, it’ll all work out. I hope.”

“This is horrible,” said a mother of seven. “Now I have to go to [local warlord] Sanchez for my cocaine instead of from my dealer across the border. When will this nightmare end?”

The UN called the closing “huh?”, “who is this?” and “I don’t care what paper you’re with, it’s five in the morning! And how did you get my home number. No, honey, it’s fine, Bobby’s not in the hospital. Never call here again!”

“Oh, that’s what a closed border looks like,” said a Senator at a US border crossing. “Well, it seems cruel to keep people out even though they’re mostly drug runner or the ridiculously uneducated poor. Let us open our borders and forgo all laws! Welcome to the US, my brothers, welcome to- ow! Why would you stab me?”