New York, NY – Researchers at a public policy institute argue the tantalizing gadgets are the main reason US violent crime rose in 2005 and 2006 after declining every year since 1991 – although a close look at the findings suggests the hypothesis has holes.

“Sure, violent crime decreased since the 90s, but domestic violence increased,” said a Police Sergeant as he booked a man wearing a mask. “Turns out them flying toaster screen-savers were making folks beat their spouses. That’s why we don’t have screen-savers anymore. Hey, for twenty bucks I’l let you punch this guy. Thanks.”

“Well, it’s not true, but it could be,” said a researcher. “That’s enough to claim the grant money and secure a lifetime of running bull[expletive deleted] studies. And to think, my mother wanted me to be a grave digger.”

Violent Criminals For Hire, a not-for-profit job placement organization, called the study “egregious tomfoolery”, “filled with libel and slanderous conclusions” and “if we weren’t out kidnapping children and selling them for drugs which we feed to old people and steal their stuff when the die, we’d kick you in the neck.”

“We’ve decided to implant the technology right into people’s brains,” said a spokeswoman for a very powerful computer manufacturing firm. “This way the thief would have to crack open the victims head, and who wants to do that? Yep, problem solved. And let’s never discuss the matter ever again. Ever.”