Washington, DC – The American Heart Association has deemed chest-compression-only CPR as effective as rescue breathing/compression CPR. The Association hopes by implementing the new method, with its increased simplicity coupled with a decreased germ factor, that people would be more inclined to help save another human.

“It depends on what you mean by ‘more effective’,” explained one doctor. “It’s more effective in occupying loved ones while the paramedics arrive, but does it actually save lives? Probably not. We’re medical researchers, not pharmaceutical companies, so we’re woefully underfunded. Yes, those are socks we’re using as filters. Yes, that wall of spectrometers and test tubes is really just a painting. I’ve really mastered my oil on wood technique. We have a lot of time on our hands.”

“Like, gross,” squealed Bunny ‘Bunny’ Hopkins. “My dad’s a lawyer and he said never open mouth save someone, they’ll, like, sue you for saving them and some junk. What? Oh, well, I still wouldn’t touch another person either cause they’re just not, like, as awesome as me. Gross!”

The Association also asks that “people aren’t kept on life support, it wastes a lot of electricity”, “everyone stop using animal research to help cure diseases. Those animals have feeling too” and “never eat duck. Trust us, never eat duck.”

“It’s a sad, sad day when one human can’t find it in his heart to help out another human being in distress,” signed self-proclaimed humanitarian Bob Greenleaf. ”Honey, can you turn off that [expletive deleted]ing pledgedrive, I’m trying to give an interview here! No, I don’t care who’s being violently oppressed in Tibet!”