Washington, DC – The graduation rate for US high school students has hit pandemic low levels with seventeen of the fifty largest cities graduating less than fifty percent of their students. Baltimore, Cleveland and Indianapolis graduated less than thirty five percent of their students whilst Detroit graduated an abysmal twenty five percent.

“What do I need educating for?” questioned fifteen year old ‘Tweakie’ from LA’s Unified School District. “Ain’t schooling just to get a job and make money? I got that covered. I just needed to learn one skill: hacking. I just emptied your bank account! Go ahead, stop by the ATM on your way home. Pwnd!”

Other areas where the US is lacking include “art: its last contribution to the world being a Kelly Clarkson”, “science: ‘in ’69, we went to the moon, and we’re going back again soon!’ quips NASA”, and “clog dancing.”

“We’ve waited a long time for this men. It’s only a matter of time before they devolved so far that they simply throw feces at each other as a crude form of communication,” said a Canadian General to his troops. “Then we move in to take Miami, El Paso and San Diego. Ah, to be rid of this damn cold! Yes, Admiral [Milton], and to have women who don’t have to shave.”