Iowa City, IA – An Iowa Senator suggested that AIG executives should accept responsibility for the collapse of the insurance giant by resigning or killing themselves.

“Heck, if I screwed anything up, I’d do it,” said the Senator. “I mean, if I found out that the wars I voted for, or the trillions in wasteful budgets that I approved cost America it’s place in the world, why I’d do it in a heartbeat. Thankfully, my conscience is clean.”

“When will we return to the golden age of industry?” mused a House sub-committee on morally reprehensible ideas. “Back when the President of a bank loved his employees like a family and would throw himself out of a building when his business went under. These days executives either try to keep the company together by restructuring or take a golden parachute. Disgusting.”

The National Suicide Hotline set up a hotline for bank and insurance executives which “would by back all their holdings at one hundred a fifty percent”, “pay for three trips anywhere in the world to scout for a private retirement island” and “kill a few poor people, just so they know they’re still better than everyone else.”

“Yes! The quote is from a Republican!” shouted an AP Editor. “Quick! Throw this out on the feed and bump it every ten minutes. Finally we have some news, people!” After dabbing his brow with a handkerchief he added, “finally, some news.”