Atlanta, GA – Federal health officials won’t go so far as to say the swine flu is over, but they report no states had widespread flu activity for the fourth week in a row.

“Now that things have calmed down, we’re officially lifting our health recommendations,” said a high ranking CDC official. “We encourage people to go back to coughing and sneezing without covering your mouths, not using protection during sex and using dirt instead of soap. Thank you for your time.”

“Looks like we’re free and clear,” said a top health official. “Yep, nothing could possibly go wrong now. It should be smooth sailing from here on out. Nothing to worry about. Easy as pie. Umm, not a care in the world.” After tapping on his desk with a pen he added, “what do I have to do to temp the fates? Kill me, already! God, if I have to go home to my family I swear I’ll die. Hmmm.”

A phone operator at the Swine Flu Call Center noted “been kinda dead around here”, “that means one of two things: either everyone’s dead or the flu is contained” and “for a minute there, we thought we were the only hope for mankind’s survival. Which I hope explains why I came onto Debby.”

“Umm, what about next flu season?” asked Julius Kaprabos. “And the flu season after that? Won’t we always have to deal with swine flu until it mutates into the new strain of flu? Shouldn’t we be ever vigilant? Well, if you keep saying ‘yes’ to my questions then why are you printing a story encouraging people to become lax on flu prevention? What was that ‘yes’ for?”