Portland, Maine – The federal government advises throwing most unused or expired medications into the trash instead of down the drain, but they can end up in the water anyway.

“Yes, accident,” said a top government official as he quickly looked left and right whilst backing away. “It’s those damn sick people throwing away their pills that’s putting the mind control drug into the water. Will you excuse me? I have to wash my hair.” We later found the official in a government health club, washing his hair, thus collaborating his story and making it all true.

“That’s why we’re all sissies,” said a Vietnam War vet. “Them women are throwin’ their pills in the dump and now we don’t like war. What’s there not to like about war, mother? What? No! Bravo company, we’re pulling out of here! Forget the hill, we’re all gonna die like Johnny!” After a breath he added, “oh, I don’t really have flashbacks. I just use that to scare away the Mormons.”

The Department of Water and Power released a statement noting “we know all about it”, “before you email us we’re going to state, again, that cleaning water isn’t our job” and “before you email us, we don’t know who’s job it is, but it’s not ours, so…”

“Hey guys,” said Gay Tremmel, who works in suite 250 down the hall from our corporate headquarters. “So, what’s going on? Really? Drugs in the water? Well, I have a meth lab. Yep, been feelin’ pretty bad about those kids that died last week and I’m just ready to be caught. Hey, could you publish this? Thanks.”