San Francisco, CA – Deep inside millions of computers is a digital Fort Knox, a special chip with the locks to highly guarded secrets, including classified government reports and confidential business plans. Now a former US Army computer-security specialist has devised a way to break those locks.

“We built the system so the Army could use it,” said Defense Department coder Terry Bjilk. “Which means it’s three lines in vbasic. All you have to do is hit control-L and it lets you in. Genius, right? Hey, what are the MPs doing here? Wait!”

“How did I figure it out? I just did what the Chinese posted on their website,” said the hacker via satellite phone from an undisclosed location. “But know that I just broke into Fort Knox to show that it could be done and not- hold on. No, I ordered the girls. Yeah, all three of em. And the lobster. And the coke. And the other lobster. Thank you. Oh, the phone’s still on. Silly me.”

The Navy issued a midday statement which read “we’re still secure”, “hey, guys. We’re still secure” and “check it out: the Navy is still secure. How bout that? Secure as-4tam4a0d00000. Please ignore this press wire as some crackpot broke in here and starting typing on the press wire. Thank you.”

“All I ask is that you don’t tell the American public our code can be broken,” said a top US Army General to the reporting pool. “So let’s just pretend that I called this very important meeting with the heads of all the major news outlets to talk about something mundane, okay? Can we trust you to keep being spineless [homosexual slur omitted]s and do what I say? Great.”