Chicago, IL – Cosmetic surgeons believe chewing gum not only freshens our breath, but gives us wrinkles.

“It’s important that people know the horrible side effects of their recreational food choices,” said a AMA member. “That’s why we’ve lobbied long and hard to get a label on the side of cigarette boxes. And we’ve saved almost twenty people’s lives! No need to thank us, we’re just doing our job.”

“So I could always have fresh breath, but I’d look like the grandma of the California Raisins?” asked a gum-chewing teen. “Sure, I’ll do it. I mean, the way this country is going I’m not going to live through the food riots!” After putting in another stick of gum she added, “the writing’s on the wall, people. Oh! Cherry!”

The National Gum Council called the assertions “all polyisobutylene, no isoglucose”, “maybe we should release a statement saying plastic surgery is stupid and causes more problems than it solves” and “I guess we just did. Anyway, check out the dates for our ‘Thumbin’ With Gum,’ our 2010 national school tour and remember: keep on chewin’!”

“How much gum would you have to chew to stretch your face?” asked an inquisitive boy to an owl at the zoo. Getting no immediate response he picked up a rock, threw it at the owl and added, “why isn’t life like TV?”