Vatican City, Vaticanland – A Vatican spokesman said any abuse in the church is “especially deplorable” given its educational and moral responsibilities, but the problem of child abuse is wider than cases that have surfaced within the church and that focusing on the church alone would not truly depict the problem.

“We’re not the only ones doing it,” said another Vatican official. “If we were, then we’d be the bad guys. But since we’re not, then… you know. It’s all good. Do the kids still say that? ‘It’s all good?’ No? Wow, you’re still gonna be a [expletive deleted] about this? Okay, be a [expletive deleted], you [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted].”

“Oh,” said an abuse survivor. “Well, since other people are doing it I guess I have no right to complain.” As he went back to tying a noose he added, “my bad.”

The Creepy Men Guild called the evasion “mostly true”, “we only go to the Church because they have a policy of protecting creepy men like us” and “if we didn’t have the Church we’d be stuck driving ice cream trucks or teaching health, so…”

“Wait a minute, [expletive deleted]face,” said the same Vatican official. “I’m not done with you. You can’t just throw this abuse thing in my face and then run away. The problem is a lot more nuanced than you can fit into a two hundred and fifty word story, and my guess is all you included was my swearing. Well, I apologize for the- hey! Come back. You [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]-loving [expletive deleted]!”