Washington DC – New reports show the US has a large, untapped reserve of rare earth minerals that could safeguard future tech innovation.

“Yeah!” shouted a White House official. “Now our technology and mining industries can swing into operation, creating another golden age of development that will propel the US back into the black!” After consulting a clipboard he added, “wait a minute. Where are all the businesses? Seriously guys, where are they? Guys?”

“Finally, we have a resource that the rest of the world doesn’t have,” said an industry leader. After tapping his pen on his desk a few times he added, “ummm… So, how are you? How are you doing? No? Umm, why did this just get very awkward?”

Miners called the discovery “astounding”, “who would have thought there were rare earth materials under the Earth?” and “no, we’re not being sarcastic. There is very little oxygen down in the mines, so we all have a little bit of retard. Sorry, was that not PC? I mean, we’re all a little retard.”

“We’d like to get those resources, but it means harming the environment,” said a distressed Congressman. “So we either save the economy or save the Earth. It looks like those are our only two choices. Are our. That’s hard to say, isn’t it? Are our. Are ouuur. Weird.”