London, UK – Retailers are targeting individual shoppers with digital billboards which identify the age and sex of passers-by then display relevant products.

“We’re this close to implanting a chip into your head and making you buy our stuff,” said one top marketing executive as he held his fingers approximately one and a quarter inches apart. “Once we’re about this far apart, we’ll be able to read your thoughts. This far apart, we’ll be already shipping you stuff before you even buy it, and, of course, this far apart we’ll have the chip. Cool, huh?”

“Hmm, this could be used for other applications,” said a top CIA agent. “Think about it! We could be able to spy on people and they would never know it! We could put cameras all over the place and finally be able to backup our threat of ‘we’re always watching.’ Man, that’d be great.”

The Chotchky Vendor Alliance called the billboards “devastating”, “once people can shop within eighty to eighty five percent accuracy, we’ll all be out of jobs!” and “well, we just have to make the best with the time we have. Hey, you want to try this hand cream? It has rosemary in it! Come on!”

“It’s kinda creepy,” said one woman at the mall. “I don’t want to be told what I’d like. I’d rather walk aimlessly around several stores that I rarely visit on the off chance that one item out of millions displayed will catch my eye. Now that’s shopping, right kids? Just ignore them. They’re faking death so they can go home.”