New York, NY – Bank of America is planning to no longer allow debit card purchases to go through if there isn’t enough money in the account.

“We’ve been screwing you guys for a long time because of your simple-minded greed,” said a top bank official. “But after a decade we realized, we’re just as greedy. Well, to keep ourselves on a higher moral footing than you [expletive deleted]s, we’re ending our overdraft program. Don’t thank us, that would mean we’d have to be civil to you, which is [expletive deleted]ing gross. So are we good here?”

“So, if you don’t have the money, you won’t get the money,” said a financial planner. “I know that’s kinda weird so I brought this chart to walk everyone though it. See how Ted has one hundred dollars. But when Ted’s out on a date with Donna, he needs one hundred and fifty dollars. Sorry, Ted, but we’re not fronting you fifty bucks so you can impress that tramp.” After a moment he added, “whore.”

The Responsible Monetary Commission called the news “magic”, “we’re sliding on rainbows and kissing freedom” and “we like to foster an atmosphere of childlike wonder in our workplace. It’s the top of the hour: bunny kisses!”

“This feels like a trap,” said a man standing in front of an ATM. As he withdrew over his account he shouted, “I knew it! It’s a trap! Don’t- what? Oh. Well when are they going to enact the change. Oh.”