Washington DC – According to an Associated Press survey of leading economists, the US economic recovery will remain slow deep into next year, held back by shoppers reluctant to spend and employers hesitant to hire.

“We feel it’s important to base news on surveys of people,” said an AP editor. “After all, who really reads the business section? It’s always bad news, so why not just pad it with half-baked fluff and get to the real news: the President is on the View. Oh, I hope Hasselback doesn’t say something stupid!”

“The American people have no confidence in their own economy,” said an economist. “But why? Who’s telling them that everything sucks? Where are they getting these horribly damaging economic ideas? Who are they talking to? And why are you frowning and pointing to me? Shouldn’t you be objective?”

Disgrace (Dudes Interested in Scientific and Grounded, Reasonable Acronyms for the Country and Everyone) called the news “pretty bad”, “we feel- what? Oh, I get it. Let’s interview the group with the weirdest name? Lemme tell you something, buddy. We give a lot back to the community, so why don’t you get off of our backs!” and “also, can you tell the OCWWS they suck? Thanks.”

“I don’t mean to derail this interview, but look at this bruise,” said a man with a pretty big bruise on his leg. “I mean, look at it! Big, right?” After ignoring our questions as to his opinion on when America would make a full economic recovery he added, “yeah, that sure is a big bruise.”