Chicago, IL – A new study suggests teens who read articles about diet and weight loss could have unhealthy consequences later in life.

“The term ‘ticking time-bomb’ is used so frequently today it loses all meaning,” said pornagraphist Steven Barrett. “But letting a teen read these filthy magazine articles really sets a ticking time-bomb. Why can’t they just look at the pictures of skinny women like normal girls?”

Fat Killers, a not-for-profit group who offer a non-intrusive suicidal alternative to ‘living large,’ have stepped up their ‘Die Fatty Die’ ad campaign by purchasing advertising on the cardboard bottoms of Twinkies and the sides of pill bottles with the slogan ‘go ahead-take the whole bottle.’

“People who read magazines should have to deal with the consequences,” said local bookworm Theo Smits. “The death gap between book readers and magazine readers widens every year. Why? Everyone knows magazines are dipped in cyanide. Just touch one and you’ve lost those golden years. Suckers.”

No teenage girls were available for comment, as they collectively sat at home and cried at the realization of the hopeless expectations America has placed on them.