United Nations – The new Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon vowed to end mistrust of the United Nations (UN) and called for action to work on “daunting” problems from crises in the Middle East and Darfur to reducing extreme poverty by half by 2015.

“We’ve lost a lot of power since the end of the cold war,” said a top UN official. “Now it’s time to strike first and show these [expletive deleted] who’s the [expletive deleted]ing pimp of the world!”

Supporters stood outside UN headquarters early this morning and held up signs that read “UN Ban’s Poverty!” and “Ki-moon-ing the world!”

“Canada welcomes our new Asian overlords,” said the Canadian Prime Minister. “Hopefully the world will take a page from the South Koreans by increasing our efficiency and suicide rate.”

“A change in power is our time to attack,” said a mid-level terrorist. “Sure, I’m just a paper pusher for the jihad, but this February sneak attack has been a logistical nightmare. Whoops.”