Washington DC – According to a federal report only six of seventy five US cities could communicate during a disaster.

“Unless you live in Minneapolis or Laramie County, you’re [expletive deleted]ed,” said the former President of Homeland Security. “The study shows, with remarkable accuracy, if a storm hits Chicago the city will shut down and household pets will be used as currency. I don’t know what that means. Jerry, what does that mean? Oh, from Jerry’s gestures it seems Chicago is not particularly safe right now.”

The Sioux Falls Tourism Agency has already switched its current “Hey, we’re not as bad as herpes” campaign to “You’ll survive if you come here” which shows a the probability of nuclear survival in New York (.01%), Los Angeles (.04%) and Sioux Falls (7.8%).

The report also speculates on “low probability events” and their impact on American cities such as: discovering life on other planets which would lead to the burning of Atlanta, the prospect of a secret Chinese clone army invasion which all cities but Boston would drown in twenty feet of blood, or the local deli running out of tortilla soup which brings Hitler back from the dead.

“Anywhere but ‘under your bed’ is not safe,” said a top White House official. “Why are you all standing here? Flee!”