After several years of hard work and thoughtful preparation the Calamity News Writer’s Test was issued to fifty three thousand hopeful writers across the contiguous United States. The test was composed of a hundred humor multiple choice questions, a spacial puzzle revealing how much they hate Canada, and finally a low ROPES course. The top one hundred were offered jobs writing for Calamity News: six of them accepted.

The Editor

It was at an indy theater meeting that the Editor sketched the first idea that would become Calamity News. From crude chalk drawings in a urine stained alleyway in Santa Monica to several thousand internet readers a day, Calamity News is living proof that the Editor is not only a genius, but a god among men. Literally a god among men. It took several days for the Editor to recruit his graduate thesis writing partner, Yatesy, and then published a weeks worth of articles using a crude internet publishing system called ‘Blogger.’ After removing all extraneous graphics and formatting the site, the Editor assembled a crackpot team of the best of the best to bring Calamity News to underground fame. He never learned grammar, spelling or how to write a story and sometimes just ends bios with superfluous information.

Yatesy

Emotionally stable and humorously evolved beyond any normal human, Yatsey not only finds the best Calamity stories, he makes them. After failed attempts at farming, working as UN Representative for a very small island country and hoboing around the US, Yatsey settled down to write his memoirs in a book entitled “I used to be someone kinda important.” He now works for very little pay at the Calamity Corporate Office and runs a high-stakes underground Risk tournament in the warehouse district of Los Angeles.

Joeromino

Ronimo, as he’s casually known around the office, was originally hired on as a day-shift janitor, but after he corrected most of our spelling and grammar errors, we took him on as a full-time janitor. Joe has to take pills for his temper, his high-blood pressure, his hives caused by the combination of the other two pills and finally a lot of whiskey to keep him from having another ‘incident.’

Bradlands

Bradlands, or ‘Lands,’ is one of those guys who can get the job done. Unfortunately, most of the time the job is something that won’t help you at all like ‘saving children buried in an earthquake’ or ‘donating money to a charity.’ Damn it, why can’t you help us out for once! Sorry, where was I? Oh, he’s smart and has really nice hair. A lot of people think that’s weird, but once you see his hair you’ll be all like ‘that’s some nice hair.’

Lola Brown

Lola is our token woman and brings the necessary feminine touch that Calamity News so desperately needs. She is often found baking in our kitchen, vacuuming our cubicles and defending us against monsters that hide in the janitor closet. A true poet, Lola cares deeply for all living things with the following exceptions: people who mix words together for marketing purposes, people who leave their left blinker on and people who tell her to smile. Please don’t mess with her, she’ll hurt you. We’re serious.

Brock Johnson

Brock is our tragically suave and good looking writer who lives like a king in Minnesota. All you have to do to get a good table or a place at the bar is just drop Brock’s name and it’ll happen. We’re not really sure what he does during the daytime and suspect he has some other job so we’ve bugged his phone and put a few cameras in his house. Brock is also a very fun name to say. Brock.

Chrisasian

After searching the internets for new writers, we looked in our own backyard and found Chrisasian. Yes, he’s Asian and no, we don’t just make him write about Asia. Chris is an accomplished singer/songwriter, actor and published writer. He offers Calamity News a legitimacy that we’ve never had and for that, we’re grateful.

All emails are [name] at CalamityNews.com