Austin, TX – A great ball of fire streaked across the Texas sky during the daytime last week, much to the surprise of thousands of people who witnessed it.
“We’ve never seen such a thing before,” said a Texas official. “Therefor, it’s the worst thing imaginable.” He cocked his shotgun and added, “and that means I can shoot whomever, whenever I feel like it.” After firing a few rounds he shouted, “Texas! We’re bigger and stupider than you!”
“Most of our crashes are from first time flyers,” said alien Neff Bak’a’ghth. “My [niece, once removed] Vray Jal’i’ibell’i didn’t watch the seventh dimension and here we landed.” As he shimmered away he added, “remember: you must kill Einstein or forever suffer!”
NASA called the ball of fire “definitely not one of the modules we installed on the International Space Station”, “we made sure we bolted everything down” and “sure, we could totally call them to confirm, but we don’t want to bother them, what with their massive oxygen leak. Ummm, no further comment.”
“Finally,” said a pastor. “Jesus has returned to kill people, just like the Bible teaches.” He looked down at his Bible before adding, “you know, for a religion of peace, we’re kinda [expletive deleted]s. Sorry, unbelievers, but you’re going to hell. Wait, was that [expletive deleted]ish? It was, wasn’t it?”