All Of America Will Leave America After Election

Washington DC – According to a new poll, more than one-quarter of Americans would consider moving to another country such as Canada if businessman Donald Trump wins the presidency.

“You can’t leave!” yelled a panicked IRS agent. “We need your money, we’re way over leveraged here! I mean, we never would have blown trillions on military and social programs if we knew… no, we never thought you’d go! We figured we’d keep tricking you until you were too old to do anything about it. Yes, that’s what social security was for! Damn it, don’t go! No, we won’t say please, but- wait!”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” said a Canadian border guard. “I mean, you’re welcome to come here, but we’d rather not have you. But, it’s okay. Sorry, but we’ll shoot you. I mean, I understand why you want to come here, but, again, I’m so sorry, but I have to shoot you.” As he drew his sidearm, he added, “sorry” a few more times, then emptied the clip.

The parties called the threats “lame”, “so if you don’t get your way, you’ll go?” and “come on, half of you are too poor to pay your cell phone bill, and the other half are barely holding on, looking up at a brass ring you’ll never get. We got you. We got all of you.”

“That’s it! I’m outraged!” yelled a voter. “I mean, at least that’s what I’m supposed to feel, right? Because…” After a long pause he shrugged, payed for his coffee, and went to work.