Des Moines, IA – A research lab performed extensive ‘first-ever’ testing to see whether everyday filters, like the ones in water pitchers and refrigerators, can remove some of these chemicals.

“We’ve had these filters for decades, but we never thought to test if they worked,” said a major water filter company. He shrugged and added, “sure, it sounds obvious now, but that’s because you heard us say it. I mean, who thinks to test things once they’re developed? That’s just crazy.”

“Your safety is not our concern,” said a local water department official. “We must meet the minimum requirements set by the regulatory commission, that’s all. If they haven’t passed ordinances regulating new toxic materials then it’s none of our business. We’re not your parents, we’re the government.”

The FDA called American water “great for lubing industrial machines or as elephant laxatives”, “slightly less damaging than spending a weekend at the Fukushima plant” and “too soon? Here, drink some water. It’ll erase your memory and give you an opiate-like high.”

“So what is safe?” asked a reader. “Because I had to read five paragraphs before I got to the research testing part and then three more to get to the results, which were inconclusive. In the end it all depends on where you live and what kind of water you are supplied with. So why write a two thousand word article telling us nothing?”