Americans Spend A Lot Of Money On Sage, Acupuncture, Good Vibes

Washington DC – Federal researchers report Americans seem to believe in alternative medicine, shelling out more than thirty billion dollars in 2012 alone for treatments ranging from acupuncture to homeopathy.

“That’s garbage!” yelled Dr. Seidberg. “You need drugs, appointments, followups, consultations, drugs to adjust your body to other drugs, a different drug that does the same thing, X-rays, blood draws, lab fees, out-of-network specialists, and, of course, surgery with as many days as possible in the hospital. That’s what’s gonna keep you healthy, not eating right and exercising.” He jabbed a finger in our reporter’s chest, asking, “got it?”

“Well, look how much they spend at church,” said a researcher. “So it makes sense, right?” After what seemed like an eternity he added, “to clarify, we’ve done a lot of research and proved the whole god thing, so… yeah, 1968, look it up. No, I’m not going to argue with you, it’s been solved. Let’s all move on.”

The American Sage Council called the report “damaging”, “did you know that interest in the healthy aspects of sage and sage burning is up almost seventy nine percent?” and “you put it out there in the universe and it comes true. Here, have an ounce, on the house.”

“At the end of the day, you have to do whatever makes you happy,” said a woman. “Because you’re going to die, so why not be happy? What? Yeah, I guess antibiotics is the better route. Okay, you’ve convinced me, I’ll take twelve.” She dabbed at the blood from her ear, adding, “please hurry.”