America’s Birthday Present Is More Poor Economic Data

Washington DC – This month’s economic data shows the US job machine is sputtering along at a pace that isn’t putting American back to work fast enough.

“Thinks aren’t good?” asked an out of work man. “Ugh, well now that you’ve told me, I guess they aren’t. What? No, I don’t need no grammar for no real job, why you ask such sillyness?” He picked at his nose before adding, “I American good, no?”

“We’ve been watching you, and you’re not working,” said an economist. “Sure, we could try to fix the problem, but then we’d have no one to observe, which would mean we’d be out of a job. So…” He picked up his binoculars, looked out the window and whispered, “back to work.”

The Center For Ignorance called the report “a total bummer”, “we were perfectly happy not knowing how bad things were. Thanks for ruining it” and “next you’re going to tell us that leasing a car is stupid. What? Come on, man, don’t… just go.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t be constantly telling people that things suck,” said a teen. “What’s the point in working hard and staying in school if I can’t get a job? See? So selling weed is a valid career choice. So we gonna do this or what? Thanks, old man.”