Harrisburg, PA – The search by the booming North American population of Amish for affordable, fertile farmland has produced settlements in twenty eight states and Ontario: and has even led parties to scout recently for suitable properties in Alaska and Mexico.

“They’ve made inroads in more than half of the US,” said one of the Pentagon’s top brass as he pushed a miniature bearded man with a horse into the Pacific Northwest. “They’re poised to strike at our infrastructure including our power and water supplies. Gentlemen, I know we never say surrender, but we should consider the possibility.”

“Why is it, that when America is falling apart, the Amish thrive?” asked a non-Amish at Claire’s Diner. “Well, I say, we destroy them and their folksy ways! Who’s with me?” A hush fell over the diner, one that seemed to last forever. We also strongly recommend the razzleberry pie.

The Hutterites called the spread of the Amish “an embarrassment to God”, “those liberal Amish are worse than disco. Well, we’ll stomp them out just like we killed those bastards who wrote ‘the Hustle’” and “oh, you can’t leave. Once you talk to us, you are one of us. Welcome, brother.”

“Why would the Amish scout for property?” asked a man who normally doesn’t like conspiracy theories, but in a few seconds will come up with what the Guinness World Book of Records called, ‘the greatest conspiracy theory of all time.’ “Wait a minute, I just had a crazy idea.”