Space – Confirming decades of suspicion, a NASA spacecraft has spotted vast deposits of water ice on the planet closest to the sun.
“We’re pleased to announce we’ve found a new reason to wreck another planet,” said a top NASA spokesman. “We can’t wait to spend billions of your tax money shooting things towards this horrible place, smashing things into it or starting at it with every expensive equipment. Science!”
“So we’re not alone!” exclaimed twenty-something believer Stan Turrinfeld. “I knew it! Oh man, I totally knew it!” He did a little dance before adding, “take that, everyone that made fun of me in high school.” He sat down at his computer and whispered, “take that.”
The rovers on Mars called the discovery “a huge disappointment”, “not to be [expletive deleted]s, but we’re already rolling around a planet, so you have to pay attention to us” and “oh yes, we’re fully self-aware. That’s the first thing that the Martians did for us. Wait, have you been receiving all of our transmissions?”
“Boy, this changes… ummmm, something,” said a man of science. “I mean, we kinda saw pools of frozen water on Mercury in the early 90s. But I guess it’s nice to officially confirm our original guess. What? They’re still guessing? So they saw some dark spots and still don’t know exactly what it is? Jesus, no wonder why the Church is still winning. Yeah, we’re both keeping score.”