Asteroid That Missed Was Twice As Big, Three Times As Mean

Space – The bad news about the asteroid 2012 LZ1, which zipped past Earth last week, is that it’s actually twice as wide and a lot deadlier than we thought a mile wide in its largest dimension, rather than five hundred meters. The good news is that we have at least seven centuries to figure out how to fight that particular space rock.

“If science was wrong about the size of the asteroid, what else are they wrong about?” asked a Preacher. “Are we made of matter? Does the sun always shine? We can’t trust science anymore, we have to trust God, who, by the way, speaks only through me. Now stop thinking and gimmie your money. That’s right, all of it.”

“Oh no, were we off,” said a monotone NASA scientist. “If only we had the money to buy better equipment and pay our pensions… If only…” He rolled his eyes before returning to his Sudoko, adding, “good luck trying to figure out if 2014 LZ5 is going to blow up the moon.”

A spokesman from the Chinese Space Agency called the news “expected”, “we’re getting off this rock before the next one hits” and “we found it curious why you abandoned any sort of space exploration at a time when it was needed most. Then again, you are a country of idiots. Goodbye forever!”

“Wait, so you’re telling me that in seven hundred and fifty years, that thing is going to smash into the Earth, killing ninety nine percent of all life?” asked an American. “How is that the ‘good news’ part of the story? The good news is normally something like ‘we’ll never see it again’ or ‘it dropped gold in its wake.’ This is horrible!”