Calamity’s End

It’s been ten years since we first posted the world is going to end and it hasn’t. In the past decade the same preventable tragedies bubble into our news feed, the same tired colloquialisms, the same well-worn fears, and it seems like we don’t do anything to deter or prevent. But here’s the magic we tried to capture with this site: these stories aren’t the norm. The world isn’t falling apart, and even if it was, there’s a very good chance you’re not going to kill and eat your neighbors. Most of us, given the chance to cool down, aren’t reactionary idiots tearing our clothes and screaming as we run down the streets. A vast majority of us are just people. Sure, we have different ideologies on politics, religion, and family, but when you boil all of that away and look at those magical proteins, we’re ninety nine point nine percent the same. As we close this grand experiment that was Calamity News we hope you recognized the extreme position we presented in a decade worth of news stories, and rolled your eyes.

Take risks, and be safe.

Delays To Cuba Could Start As Soon As This Fall

Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.

“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.

“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”

Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”

“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”

Iran To EMP US

Los Angeles, CA – A secret Iranian military document reveals a plan to attack the US electrical grid with an electromagnetic pulse.

“This way, we can take the city intact,” said an Iranian ‘diplomat.’ “You understand, yes? Your people will riot, yes, and many thousands will die, but once the executions begin, you will be helpless, yes? Gun laws in California say no guns, no? So then you’re done, yes? Yes.” He drew his weapon, adding, “you’re my prisoner now, yes? Good.”

“We gotta stop telling people we’re intercepting secret memos,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “Then again, I shouldn’t be giving the press interviews in one of our underground, secret jails.” He pointed to a few prisoners, adding, “and I shouldn’t let you see these guys or tell you their execution dates. Tomorrow, by the way. Turns out they really were tourists and not spies. Go figure, right?”

The Iranians also plan to “blow up a volcano and blacken the skies of America”, “destroy the San Andreas fault and drop California into the ocean” and “cut off Florida and float it out to sea.”

“Can I make an EMP?” asked a MIT student. “Yes. Should I? Probably not. Are the plans available on-line? You bet they are. So are we safe? No. Not at all.” He shook his head and whispered, “not at all.”

Cooling Temps Mean Things Will Inevitably Get Warmer

Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.

“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”

“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”

NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”

“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.

Brexit Leaves UK With Soars, Blisters, Burning Pee

London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.

“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”

“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.

The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”

“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.

Goats Make Great Pets, Horrible Accountants

London, UK – Researchers from Queen Mary University of London aim to prove that goats are much cleverer than previously thought and interact with people in a similar way to pets, having trodden a path of domestication for ten thousand years.

“Turns out, goats are the original dinosaur,” said a paleontologist. “Which is why I’m renouncing dinosaurs and going to Wales to study goats.” After a long pause he added, “I thought there’d be a bigger response. Nothing? So you’re telling me that sixteen paleontologists, at our weekly paleontologist meeting, are just going to sit there with no response? Nothing? This is why I’m leaving.”

“This is why we left,” said an Englishman. “The rest of Europe doesn’t respect goats like we respect goats.” He gave a heavy sigh, then added, “we would go to war for these gentle creatures. Why do you think we fought France for so long? No, no, nothing to do with any of that. Goats, I tell ye, goats!”

The researchers went on to imply “goats videos will be on the rise”, “goat related Instagram stock will double in the next six years” and “anything that goes ‘baaaaaaa’ will be forty to forty three percent more cuddly but eighty five percent more out of stock.”

“I’m so offended I could spit,” said a scientist working in a cancer laboratory. “But, as you can see, if I spit, I’ll be spitting into my containment suit, thusly, ruining what is already a pretty crappy day. Yea, I have the runs and couldn’t make it out of the suit in time so… yeah.”

North Korea Given The Okay To Nuke US

Sacramento, CA – If North Korea ever unleashed nuclear-armed missiles against America, the defense of US cities and towns would depend to no small degree on something called a divert thruster.

“For all of our bravado, we’re helpless babies,” said an Air Force Commander. “We only spend a few trillion on defense and it’s not enough. So yes, if any country, and yes, even Canada, wanted to invade, we’d all be dead. All of us. You children in the crowd take notice, because you’d die first. Dismissed!”

“We’re not going to nuke you,” said a North Korean diplomat. “You’re killing yourselves with horrible politics and reality television. Don’t get me wrong, I could binge The Bachelor until I die from vitamin E deficiency, but… where was I going with this? Oh, right, deliver the money by noon and no one gets hurt.”

NATO called the defense system “super shaky”, “shady as all [expletive deleted]” and “yeah, we’re the summer interns. Whaddya want from us? Also, please stop referring to Twitter as ‘social media.’ It’s embarrassing for all of us.”

“I’m confident that they won’t do it,” said an American. “Because, come on, they haven’t yet so…” After a long pause she began to run, yelling, “we’re all gonna die!” We tried to follow her to get a followup to her comments, but she was really fast. Like, really, really fast.

Brits Finally Make Up Their Minds About 2003 Invasion

London, UK – It’s been seven years and millions of dollars in the making, but the colossal report on Britain’s role in the Iraq war will finally be published tomorrow.

“Spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have gone,” said an English official. “Also, double spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have spent millions of dollars and seven years to determine we shouldn’t have gone. And, of course, triple spoiler alert: we’re going to need more money to investigate if this finding was a waste, spoiler alert: yes, spoiler alert: of course.”

“Our minds are made up,” said an Iraqi official. “You shouldn’t invade. Please use your time machine and fix this.” After a very long pause he added, “you don’t have a time machine, do you? Ah, then you were right to imply that you did have one so we would give up. Well played, Americans, well played.”

The Brits also intend to “figure out if Brexit was good by 2055”, “assess if having an empire was beneficial by 2299” and “discover if space is ‘real’ by the year 68,000. Yes, we should totally know by then. No, we’re not joking.”

“Does it matter?” asked a person. “We’ve already spent the money. We’ve already killed the people. The people have already rioted and destroyed their things. We’ve killed more of them and they’ve killed some of us. So why does it matter? No, future generations will have knee-jerk reactions to other things and not care about this reaction. Whatever.”

Candidates Can Break Laws, FBI Concludes

Washington DC – The FBI Director announced the agency is not recommending the Justice Department bring charges against Hillary Clinton, while also denouncing the former secretary of state and her colleagues for the way they handled classified information through private email servers.

“Look, it would upset the political process,” said an FBI agent. “And we can’t have that. Sure, we went after Nixon, but he broke the law! No, what she did was break a little law a few hundred thousand times. That doesn’t count. Also, we put a lot of money into her, so it’s happening. Also, it’s our party, so… yeah, shut up about it or get arrested, got it?”

“But… that’s not fair!” yelled a man in jail. “I’m in jail because I broke the law! Shouldn’t I deserve special treatment too? Oh, right, I’m poor.” After a long pause he turned to one of his many cellmates and began to brawl.

The FBI also declared “we will prosecute tax evaders, because those people are the scum of the earth”, “we will prosecute those who mishandle sensitive documents, because they put our nation’s security at risk” and “no, we don’t have to justify anything to you. Ummm, which one of us has secret prisons and which are loud mouth reporters with a lot to lose?”

“Does it matter?” asked a disenfranchised voter. “This is a total mess and no one’s gonna be happy with the outcome.” He whispered, “no one” a few more times whilst backing out of the room.

US Has More Oil But Still Needs Methadone-Style Oil Treatment To Kick Oil Habit

Houston, TX – According to a new study the US holds more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and Russia, the first time it has surpassed those held by the world’s biggest exporting nations.

“So we’ve won?” asked a car driver. “It doesn’t feel like we’ve won.” He looked at his hybrid car, adding, “is it because I’ve been robbed of my hunter instinct, the very thing that pushes me to want more and work harder, making myself and my country, great? Because that’s been long gone. Thanks a lot… umm, sorry, I shouldn’t blame. Shame on me.”

“But, you need us!” yelled a prince. “If you don’t buy our oil then you won’t turn a blind eye to our many, many, many, many, many, human rights violations and our many, many, many, many, many terrorist camps! Wait, that should be many to the fifth power, not five many’s.” He shrugged, adding, “what can I say?”

OPEC called the report “lies”, “you know what? We’re still in control of the market and we can crash the whole thing with a single sentence, so back the [expletive deleted] off” and “that’s right, it’s called mutually assured destruction and we’re that [expletive deleted]ing crazy! We’ll do it! Back off!”

“Fracking might have given us the edge, but all of our water is on fire,” said a local man. “Look!” After several hours of trying to light water on fire he added, “whatever. Like anyone follows up on anything.”