Miami, FL – Several states that won a slice of the US Department of Education’s four and a half billion dollar Race to the Top competition have had to delay plans to implement ambitious reforms and two could possibly lose money if they don’t get back on track.

“It’s important that the kids learn early in life that there are winners and there are losers,” said a Department of Education official. “And the following students are losers: Abraham Anderson, Brian Anderson, Bryce Anderson, Bryan Anderson… Yes, I’m going to read each name. Where was I? Oh, right, Bryan, with a ‘Y’ Anderson. Carl Anderson…”

“Now hold on,” said Principal Hyde to the Race to the Top board. “We didn’t make these kids study so they would have a fighting chance at a good job and a decent wage. We used them so we could get our hands on that free money to pad our pension. You’ve seen the markets in the past few years, right? So give us a break, for once. Really? We can keep it? Thanks!”

European school children call the reforms “silly”, “why wouldn’t you invest in your education?” and “and why are you so fat? And why don’t you know how to handle money? And why do you just know one language? What’s wrong with you things?”

“I’m sure schools are improving without the monetary incentive,” said a mother. “I don’t know where those schools are, but I’m sure one or two exist.” After a long sigh she added, “[expletive deleted]ing Florida.”