Banks Will Still Fail, So Please, Please Do Not Take Out Your Money

Washington DC – Federal regulators say five of the biggest banks in the US haven’t worked out strong plans for how they might reshape themselves in case of failure, which could leave them unable to survive without another taxpayer bailout.

“Hey, you guys bailed us out before, so why not do it again,” said a banker as he burned a barrel of money. “This? Oh, this is how we… I’m not sure how this policy started, but it’s a requirement now.” He pointed to a car crusher, adding, “that’s how we deal with precious metals and the like. There should be a vat of acid around here for our mutual funds.”

“It’s like they’re not listening to us,” said a federal regulator. “We tell them they have to run their business like this, because that’s how we’d do it, but they’re not! A private business, not listening to the government? It’s ridiculous! Oh, I get that they’re their own entity, but we rely too heavily on them, so they have to… well, yeah, I guess we are screwed. Well, not really, because we have our own army. Attack!”

Regulators also complain “they banks don’t bribe us enough”, “there aren’t enough corporate retreats” and “why don’t they give away things for opening accounts. Remember when they used to do that? Remember?”

“I’m sure the next economic collapse will be from something entirely different,” said a politician. “Oh, I couldn’t tell you what, I’m not really sure how anything works. But I appreciate your support.”