Raleigh, NC – A new study claims obese participants who ate a breakfast high in protein and carbohydrates that included a dessert were better able to stick to their diet and keep the pounds off longer than participants who ate a low-carb, low-calorie breakfast that did not include sweets.

“We’ve decided that since America is in the crapper, we might as well go with it,” said Dr. Reginald Finch. “Our next study will prove meth is the perfect cure for ADHD in children and then we’ll publish definitive proof that NASCAR is a sport. Take that, world.”

“Finally,” said an obese man. “A diet I can stick to!” He put down a stick of butter and added, “that was a joke. I don’t eat butter for breakfast. Well, not in it’s holy form.” He opened a bag of flower, took a pinch and snorted it, then added, “yeah, that’s the stuff. So, why are you here?”

The American Medical Association called the study “literally the most negligent thing we’ve ever seen”, “what? There’s money to be made?” and “we whole-heartedly approve this study. We insist you eat crap all day and then see a health professional to help with the unintended side-effects.”

“Something about this doesn’t sound right,” said an American. “We’ve been told our whole lives to eat healthy and then they release a study saying it’s okay to eat cake for breakfast? Who do I believe?” He grabbed our reporter by the lapels and shouted, “who?!”