Bird Flu Formula Released Onto The Public

Denver, CO – The US journal Science published research on how a mutant bird flu may spread among mammals and possibly humans, following months of controversy over the risks of bioterrorism.

“It’s not our problem,” said a top Homeland Security agent. “Look, we have to protect you from one very specific threat: terrorism in the air. Everything else is not a threat because we’ve never been attacked by it. I mean, a duh.”

“Okay, now we add the culture,” said a bio-terrorist as he read the instructions from the paper. “Let that cool for forty five minutes and then stir in the activator.” He tapped his iPad and added, “it’s so much easier doing this from the iPad than from printed paper. I can go back to playing Pocket Planes!”

The CIA called the publication “harmless”, “look, if our swine flu didn’t kill you off, then this thing won’t either” and “oh, both were designed to take out all of Asia, but all it did was make a few people in South Carolina sick. And yes, South Carolina is always on our radar. Those bastards.”

“Only a handful of people actually read our journal,” said a publisher. “Our of those people, only a handful understand what they read. Out of those people only a handful have the means to replicate what they read. Out of those people, only a handful are angry enough to release it into the public. So, yeah, we’re safe.”

Report filed by Editor at 11:01 am