Nashville, TN – Pfizer said it was recalling about a million packets of birth control pills in the United States because they may not contain enough contraceptive to prevent pregnancy.

“We’re not saying they do not have enough contraceptive, we’re saying they may not,” said a lawyer for the company. “There’s a very clear difference. I, personally, don’t know how you could hold us responsible, but I guess that’s what people who have sex for recreation do. Disgusting pigs.”

“I’m what?” shouted high school Junior Alexandra [last name withheld]. “How the hell did that happen? No, I didn’t pay attention in health class, what am I, a pervert?” After lying on the floor and crying for a while she looked up and asked, “are you going to report this or be my father? Fine!”

Other contraceptive companies called the recall “shameful”, “if they find out that all contraceptive is fake, we’re all in trouble” and “well, maybe fake is a little misleading. U235 is very effective, it just has some pretty wonky side-effects.”

“Boy, you think you can trust a corporation,” said a regular guy. “I guess they’re really not looking out for me, but their bottom line. I don’t know where I got that idea that a corporation would do anything but make money, but… umm, well, somehow I did. Weird, right?”