Milwaukee, WI – Over five hundred people are asking for restitution for alleged sexual abuse by clergy in the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, more than in any of the other US dioceses that have filed for bankruptcy protection.
“Bankruptcy! You can’t touch us,” shouted a bishop. “I call bankruptcy!” He pointed to all of the golden, ornate items around his office, each time shouting, “bankruptcy!” After several minutes he slowed, caught his breath and then added, “damn, we should have killed those kids when we had the chance.”
“Good idea, but a little short sighted,” said a bank official to a Cardinal on a yacht. “I suggest getting so big that if you go under, millions of people would be hurt. Only then will you be above the law. Wait, what’s your membership? Really. Well then, friend, welcome to International Waters. Also, welcome to International Waters. We’re three miles out and- woah, is that gun?”
The Council of Protestant pastors called the cases “disgusting”, “they shouldn’t collect money” and “this way, they won’t have anything to pay out. Oh yes, we’re far smarter than them. Plus we’ve never been caught doing our horrible things.”
“This is why we can’t have religion,” screamed atheist Helen Dillon. “It does nothing but hurt people. No, I will concede nothing! It serves no purpose but to hurt. I don’t care how I sound, I have an opinion and nothing will change it. God bless America!”