Austin, TX – Scientists have surprisingly discovered that a mere trace of alcohol doubles the lifespan of a tiny worm that has become a workhorse in biochemistry laboratories around the world.

“Well, one night we were having cocktails- yes, in the lab. Anyway, we were drinking in the lab and Dr [Debra] Raughtill kicked over my old fashioned- because she was dancing on the table. If you keep interrupting me, this is going to take forever. Anyway, we were trying to dry the bras and- can you shut up, please?”

“Yeah!” said sophomore pledge Darren Yarburgh. “Now my non stop partying on the weekends isn’t a waste of time, but rather an extension of said time.” He pointed to a calendar and added, “the weekend starts on Wednesday, right? Because if I had to go to class from Monday to Tuesday, I’d die. Hold on, shots!”

The National Booze Association called the discovery “stupid”, “dude, booze has done nothing but ruin our lives” and “yeah, well, why don’t you stop being a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted] and then we can talk. Sorry. Sorry! See? This is what happens when we drink. [Expletive deleted]!”

“After a few days the worm does lose it’s pigment,” said a scientist. “It’s also ostracized by the other worms. Oh, and it’s sluggish, aggressive and lost all its money. Oh yeah, worms have a very intricate currency system. Sadly, they’re suffering from the economy as well.”