Washington DC – The World Health Organization claims alcohol kills more than two and a half million people annually, more than AIDS, malaria or tuberculosis.

“We should ban this deadly poison,” said a top Congressman. “We should make sure that no one touches the stuff.” He then fluttered his lips derisively, rolled his eyes and shouted, “yeah right. Who wants to live forever? Let’s [expletive deleted]ing drink!”

“Oh, thank you, World Health people,” said a drunk guy at the bar. “Thanks for making the party so lame!” He held up his hand for a high-five, which never came. After downing his drink he added, “forget you guys, I’m going home. Where are my keys? Oh, right, in my hand.”

The American Recreation and Partying Council (ARPC) called the claims “ridiculous”, “a strong buzz is the only thing keeping America from literally ripping apart at the seams” and “we’ve done extensive studies. Trust us. Ripping apart. Seams. Now are you going to limbo or what?”

“Umm, if alcohol is do deadly, why can I buy it in any food store?” asked a minor. “Why are there TV commercials showing people drinking alcohol and enjoying themselves? Why does everyone cool drink? If alcohol really lead to problems, why don’t I see it? I’ll tell you why; because it’s awesome. America!”