Boston, MA – The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority put out a memo to its staff that to many, would seem like common sense: don’t fall asleep on the job.

“We’re sick and tired of constant train crashes,” said a top Boston official to the press corp. “We just don’t have the funds to cover up these horrific crashes and compensate the next of kin.” After a long pause he added, “so… are we gonna beat Denver next weekend or what?!”

“Hold on, we didn’t agree to that,” said a union rep. “In fact, the last contract specifically requires, and I quote, quote, all employees shall receive a siesta, nap-time and three non-consecutive, and this is another quote, quote, nod-offs, double end quotes. So, we should…” He mumbled something, slumped into a chair and fell asleep.

Salt Lake City officials called the request “embarrassing”, “our people never sleep on the job. Come out and visit” and “seriously, please come out and visit. The only time we get the word out is with these stupid, little bloggers who have no lives and- wait, don’t go! We still need to baptize you!”

“They never said nothin’ about gettin’ high,” said an engineer as he pulled into Ballardvale station. As the train stopped he lit an odd looking cigarette, inhaled and then added, “watch this.” He rolled the train forward a foot, stopped, rolled it forward another foot, stopped and then laughed uncontrollably.