Brain Eating Amoeba Infects Lakes, Thrives on Global Warming, Force To Be Reckoning With

Phoenix, AZ – A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until it kills the victim.

“Let me say this again, Your Honor,” said a Sheriff of a small town. “I shot my ex-wife and her new husband ‘Bill’ because they were zombies, from the brain parasite thing. Thank you for the dismissal, Your Honor. Why yes, I can definitely check if your mother-in-law is infected.”

“Well, as the globe heats, this amoeba will flourish,” said a scientist. “Have you ever seen the movie Akira? No? Well then, you non-nerds are in for quite a surprise.”

The Center for Disease Control warns people to “not go near water”, “even looking at a picture of a lake will kill you” and “we don’t mean to cause a panic, but this is the end! Flee to the frozen lands!”

“They’re so small, how could they do that much damage?” asked a White House spokeswoman at a makeshift ‘Annihilate the Amoeba’ bruncheon. “Ohhh, I see. Why don’t we dump some of this stuff in our ‘hot problem area’ overseas and be done with it? A toast! To something, errr, something. Which drink was mine and which one was the specimen?”

“Soon this amoeba will spread to the water table and infect our drinking water,” said a waterologist as he swirled around a test tube of liquid. “Then it’s only a matter of weeks before ninety seven percent of the population is wiped out.” After pouring the liquid down the drain he added, “Well, it’s five. Have a great weekend!”

Report filed by Editor at 3:00 pm