Brasília, Brazil – Brazilian President Rousseff bowed out defiantly today, suspended from office after the Senate voted to put her on trial for breaking budget laws in a historic decision brought on by a deep recession and a corruption scandal.
“It’s time we get new leadership in here!” yelled a Brazilian representative. “So let’s oust this lady and put in some guy who’s tied to a lot of corruption things! I don’t have time to think or explain myself! To the ousting room! Yes, Romero, to oust. What else would we- ew, really? Why would you eat your lunch there? I know it’s a big table, but that’s for ousting. Jesus, dude, that’s messed up.”
“Now is our time to strike!” said a general of the Suriname army. “Come, men, let us take back our lands! Is that it? What, like, seven? And stop saying we’re the Rhode Island of South America! That’s not accurate! We have almost two percent more land mass and almost ten thousand more residents! Now, to arms! Guys? Yes, I’m still talking! What kind of- to arms!”
The Brazilian Senate called the coup “a bloodless coup”, “a very unsexy dance of death” and “the third worst Thursday of this year. Yeah, can you believe we’re in May already? Crazy, right?”
“So everything’s fixed,” said a local. “Now we can go back to killing Olympic tourists, ignoring the outbreak of a horrible virus, and enjoying soccer, a sport where ten guys chase a ball and one guy stands by a net and yells. Life is grand.”